The summer before I first got pregnant there was an enormous, unavoidable desire that swept over me, it was heavy in my chest and clear as day that I wanted to have a baby. I had expected this moment would come, thought there had been a little flittering between whether I was going to have kids, mostly I was sure it would happen. What I had not anticipated was the sudden foreboding sense of doubt and desperation for someone, somehow to give me permission to have a baby.
Being in any way involved with the Music Industry is a struggle, and even though I was only involved in a low level- I didn’t make my full income by being a musician and I didn’t have a big following. Regardless I didn’t know how to both at once, I felt like I hadn’t seen others do it either. Social media is the beating heart of our reference for the experience of other people, and I couldn’t find musicians who were openly parents. It felt hidden, but not out of respect and privacy, rather for fear or shame or judgement. This paralysing feeling soon turned to anger at the expectation of us as women in society to somehow leave behind the things we are when we have children.
As ever in moments of sadness, anger, struggle and confusion; I sat at the piano.
My next single Mother or Muse is out on May 10th. You can follow me on Spotify here
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