Not resolutions but other, secret things

Things I dwelt on over the holiday period

1) I had heartburn for six months that went away over Christmas. There were a few days before that where it would dissipate, but mainly it made itself known almost hourly. My brain did what it always does and zoned in on the sensations: scanning, checking and questioning why. You have GERD, said the stomach doctor after looking down my throat with a teeny tiny camera, take PPIs. An expert in stomachs he may be, but he can be no match for the power of my mind. My mind can override drugs and teeny tiny cameras. My mind will create symptoms for as long as they are frightening. So on and on it went, until the chest pain was so bad I had a panic attack at a service station. I used to roll my eyes at anxious people who had chest pain. Wasn’t that just the most basic entry-level symptom one could have? If you’re going to be mental, be more interesting. Have aura migraines where you see elephants dance across your lids. Have hives which leave your skin with ridges like the outline of the alps. Freak yourself out with spasms or tics or temporary paralysis. And yet there I was, wondering why it felt as if someone had stuck a knife into my sternum. Humbling.