Welcome back to The Messy Middle! Where the team from Belay Guidance grapples with real questions and all the messy moments where real parenting happens.
This post: A rare moment between strangers prompted me to share this proactive parenting handbook
It’s a balmy July evening. Me and 40,000 of my closest friends have packed an outdoor stadium to listen to Noah Kahan. Next to me is a lovely family of five — Mom, Dad, and three girls. By the looks of it, they’re 13, 10, and 7.
Smiles are exchanged. Awkward adjustments to the tight space. But we quickly bond over the lyrics and the ease of the night.
At some point, Dad turns to me. “Do you have any children?”
Yes, actually. I have three girls too.
His eyes go wide, and somehow the questions just tumble out.
“Do you have any advice?”
“Will I make it through?”
“It feels so hard right now.”
(I promise, all I said was, “Yes, I have three girls too.”)
But I’ve been there. Anyone with young children has been there.
The newborn-to-two years are a constant stream of fatigue and uncertainty — the never ending cycle of feed, sleep, potty train, repeat.
The early school years are filled with the endearing: fresh faces, new backpacks, transition tears, sweet snuggles. You’re in the zone.
Then somewhere around 8 years old they start to become more independent — maybe listen less, argue more, take on new identities, navigate friend friction and school challenges.
My concert-going friend’s question was raw, vulnerable, and shared by every parent who’s ever asked it under their breath: Will we make it through?
And underneath it, the real questions — how do I get this right? Is there anything I can do besides just get through it?
All the emotion in his voice resonated with my own experience. I too bumped along with my three girls and sought out advice wherever I could find it. The best advice came in two forms: wise counsel from an older parent and guidance from trained professionals.
Let’s start with the wizened parent.
When my daughters were 5, 2, and 1 (that’s not a typo), I was having breakfast with my godparents — two lovely, older people who have been in my life since the day I was born, and who get to be perfect in my mind, because they never had to be my parents.
Partway through breakfast, my godfather leaned over and quietly counseled:
“There comes a time in every young girl’s life when she must define herself against the strongest woman in her life. It’s going to feel like it’s about you, but it’s not.”
Whether or not you have girls, I strongly encourage any parent to read that one again and let it settle a little. Because it may be the best advice I’ve ever received.
It flipped the script on the purpose of pre-teen moody moments, the casual harshness, the brisk responses, the cold shoulder. It’s not about you.
It’s all about them finding their own space, defining their own sense of self. You — the strong, capable, fabulous parent — take up your own space, and they are bumping up against it in their quest to find their own, unique, own-able place.
It’s a perspective I return to over and over, to this day.
Then there’s the advice of the deeply educated, clinically trained professionals.
Because there’s actual research and clinical practice that confirms — there are things we can do, as parents, that ease our way through the rougher patches and that don’t just make today more manageable, but definitively change outcomes down the road.
Think less anxiety and depression for our kids,
Better communication,
A long-term relationship we both actually enjoy.
We’ve pulled together a collection of that research backed guidance. We think of it as the handbook for proactive parenting. These are the game changers.
So this week, I’m sharing that handbook straight out of The Belay Library. Each link takes you deeper, and gives you a chance to hear directly from the experts.
It starts with the fundamentals — active listening:
Why Active Listening Matters The “why” before the “how.” This is the case for treating listening as a skill, not a given.
Practicing Active Listening: Building Trust & Connection The specifics of what active listening actually sounds like in the moment, and why trust is the payoff.
Then there’s the crucial element — validation. Hopefully you’ll take a minute to hear Dr. Pak and Dr. Patton get into the specifics of what validation is, and what it isn’t.
Here’s how I explained validation on the fly, in between songs, when the concert dad told me, “My 13-year-old came home crying uncontrollably today because she found out none of her friends are going to be in any of her classes. I’m looking at her, thinking, well, that’s life — you’re going to walk into a million rooms and not know a soul, get used to it. But I just froze. Was that bad?”
She came to her dad with her heartbreak. That’s really good news…that’s what I told him.
And here’s a truth I’ve learned: when someone is in pain, they can’t hear even your best advice. You have to help hold the pain for a minute first.
That’s my shorthand for the power of validation. Acknowledging what someone is experiencing, so they don’t feel quite so alone.
But the psychologists have all sorts of better ways of explaining why this matters in every relationship and especially with our kids.
In The Belay Library posts below, experts dig into the specifics on what, how, and why:
How Validation Improves Relationships -The bigger case for validation as a life skill, not just a parenting technique.
From Drama to Calm: How Validation Changes Everything - For the moments that feel bigger than they probably need to be and how validation gets you out of them faster.
When Validating Backfires - For the parents who’ve tried this and had it blow up in their face. There’s a fix, and it’s smaller than you’d think.
Validating in an Angry Moment - Because validation is easiest to talk about and hardest to do when you’re the one who’s mad.
Now, for any parent whose immediate reaction is
“give me a break,
sometimes life is just hard.”
I see you, I agree, and I’ll up you one.
There’s incredible science around why offering support (like active listening and validation) paired with structure (limits and guardrails) leads to the very best outcomes.
It’s about practicing a balance of both. Not always easy…there’s that whole “being human” thing.
But here’s Dr. Matheson breaking it down, and Dr. Pak coming in with the case for why limits matter more than they feel like they do.
Support & Structure: Putting it into Practice — What it looks like when warmth and boundaries work together instead of against each other.
Why Your “No” Is Doing More Good Work Than You Think — The reframe that makes enforcing rules feel less like the bad guy and more like the point.
The Difference Between Reaction and Response — The pause that changes how every hard moment plays out.
The concert ended with “Stick Season,” and I’m still humming it. But the image I’m holding on to is those three girls, dancing carefree, enjoying the moment, basking in the kindness of two parents who made it all happen for them. It was a magic moment to witness. And I was grateful.
What’s a piece of parenting advice that’s stuck with you longer than you expected it to? Drop it in the comments. I’d love to hear it.
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