the morning after 🌧️

you wake up

and for a split second

everything is okay

and then the guilt hits

it happened again.

why did you do it?

you were doing so good

these past two years.

you had it under control,

what happened?

i can’t even remember

the thought that went behind it

but i needed it to hurt.

i should’ve outgrown this by now.

the first time, i was 11,

and i wanted someone to see,

i wanted them to tell me,

it’ll be okay.

but it’s changed,

now i don’t wear my scars on my sleeves,

i hide them in places no one will see.

i feel like i need to be in pain,

i need to be hurting,

i need an excuse to feel this way.

and it sounds sick,

that i want to feel this way,

but i can’t explain it to you.

it’s comfortable for me.

it gives me a second to be in the moment,

it gives me a sense of relief,

it gives me something to focus on,

other than the thoughts in my head,

it gives me a feeling,

contrary to being numb.

and life’s been good,

i have no complaints,

i have no reason to feel this way,

but the pain is comforting,

it’s familiar,

it’s what i default to,

so what do i do?

two years down the drain,

just like that.

i’m a grown woman,

i shouldn’t be doing this,

but i’d rather have this,

than throw it all away.

i wrote this the morning after i self-harmed. i’d been clean for about 2.5 years. for those of you reading, i hope you know that you aren’t alone. i understand how you feel. but you have a lot to live for, and you still have a lot to see. i sincerely hope you get the help you need. recovery isn’t a straight line, and having a difficult day today doesn’t erase any of the progress you’ve made or the strength you’ve shown.

remember that there’s always help available, if you need to talk, feel free to dm me, or call/text 988 (Crisis Hotline).

Crisis Hotline 📞