Scientist in laboratories across the globe have, for centuries, chased the impossible: the creation of life. Though results have been limited, their progress has nevertheless been admirable. Using only a handful of common elements and powerful electrical shocks, they’ve been able to coax complex amino acids, the “building blocks of life”, into existence. But scientists have yet to manifest the spark, the breath of life, as it were, that turns inanimate matter into animate. So imagine my surprise when I totally figured it out.
It was discovered in conjunction with beloved author Drew Daywalt, during the creation of a book about paper fortune tellers1. Through countless hours of experimentation with simple drawing tools, we realized this miracle could be achieved using a very specific arrangement of circles and dots. Observe:
Once alive, our test subject was able to move, talk, and solve complex moral equations like “Should I, or should I not, help keep children from getting maimed?”
We ran this experiment several more times, on several more items.
Here it is with a potato chip:
A basketball:
Even a storm front2:
But alas, in our hubris, we went too far. Our fortune teller was responsible for several atrocities, including the ruination of a basketball court, the disappearance of a minivan, and… whatever this thing is:
So, take it from Drew and I—don’t monkey with science. There are genuine, real-world repercussions to creating life. But, truth be told, terrifying Cronenberg-esque atrocities might be the price we must pay for secure playground equipment and rain-free recess yards.
If you’re a scientist interested in recreating our findings, I highly recommend purchasing our picture book Forty The Fortune Teller, which documents the creation and subsequent escape of our test subject. We hear rumors she’s made it into the northern territories, and we believe them to be true. Several Canadian contacts have confirmed seeing paper, as well as potato chips, at local stores.
Thank you for your interest, and stay safe.
—Kevin Cornell, Recent Scientist.
Also known on my childhood playground as a “cootie catcher”. For those unfamiliar with this origamical creation, here’s some instructions:
By which I mean a rain cloud, not the 1989 Billy Joel album that created the genre of music known as “Homework Rock”.
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