photo: Wendy Ford
Blessings brethren.
I love staying as raw as I can to the ‘mood of the globe/nation’, local hood, vibe of a sports tournament, a reality TV show, whether the budgie’s on edge. Chatting to randoms features big, and I’m full of gratitude for the chance to play music in pubs, connecting with people through tone lyric and beat. Often the choice or execution of the songs is neither here nor there, the music’s just a tool to reach out and include.
It was with this in mind that I ran a gig as the Very irReverend Bazza Caitcheon. All about breaking the shackles of enslavement. Thursday nights I would take the pulpit in Parnell Auckland, and sing about love, deception and redemption. Handed out the hymn books I’m a believer styles, and drank a lot of Guinness.
The Irish music scene still had some steam, pubs were fit outs of churches. There was hands on healing for the sinners, confessions between songs, a pop-up shop of blessings and salvation. The reverend could also do some merciless Highway to Hell, damnation only a pint away. Punters knew to watch for when the reverend turned.
All went south when I did a gig out west on a sunday afternoon - Bar full of bogans, bikers and V8 boys. Went a bit far on the theatrics gaffa taping sinners hands to the bar, and they did Not take well to the reverends hands-on healing. Ungrateful heathens.
Had to put him on gardening leave after that shocker. Jesus back in the wardrobe. I asked him the other night if he fancied a return to the vestry - was a second coming out of the question. It’s a big job, to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable. Told me he’s visioning a shopping mall celebrity tour with Krishna, Buddha, Mohammed, a couple of norse gods, Justin Bieber impersonator and Bob Geldof. Told him it was a bit bloke heavy, and couldn’t he include at least a hologram of Olivia Newton John. Said he’d talk to his people, no promises.
Most soul influencers sing from the same songbook, elevator pitch being ‘do your best not to be an arsehole’. For those that need the fine print, this can need breaking down into specifics, so we get some general rules. The Inca’s for example had 3 - Don’t steal, be honest and don’t be lazy. No slouching when there’s an irrigation ditch to be dug, potato beds to prepare. Gotta be a hardy jesus, the Andean version.
God knows in our world at the mo, we could do with a flock of saviours.
So where would he/she/they start, this Jesus … The financial sector would cop a right kicking, break some toes on the money-lenders tables, private equity managers on the Rack, some smiting of the political ponzi’s and those greedy lobby lads, hands on for those in the military machine, and maybe if time allows, smoke some weed with the meek, they’ll at least know where to get good ganja.
Would today’s Jesus be all over social ? Maybe she’s already a tiktok star with a burrito stand in Mexico City, or peddling soft drugs on the canal banks in Amsterdam. Maybe he’s retired and volunteering in a Hanoi hospice, ground control to major Tom, or offering fruit at a shinto shrine, a buddhist temple. Doing time in an american prison, or a bouncer at the Taumaranui Cossie Club getting plenty of hands-on.
If you were Jesus what would you do ? Me, I’ve got a ten pointer good to go.
coffee first
learn the accordion
get some superpowers
second coffee
work the house, talk to strangers
dance on the sunny side of the street (make time for this one)
use superpowers to smelt military gear into spades
create viral tiktok vids, Dances with Spades
bugger off to play accordion and smoke more weed with the meek, while the world goes crazy working their SpadeDance™ moves in the brassica’s.
Job done, capitalism and wars back in the box, a crucifixion free global redemption. Oh yeah and,
give the superpowers back.
Imagine that, a world where our military mission is to grow and share food, not reign hell from the skies. Surely every make, model and flavour of saviour would want that. To regenerate soil and celebrate local resilience. Honour the insects, the flora, fauna, critters both land and sea. Imagine giving them voice for checks and balances on commercial interest. That’s what my Jesus would do.
And dudes, we’re all Jesus - those trippers back in the day, Galilee, the Haight-Ashbury of it’s time, populous bonced on mushrooms, and then the power plays of preferred interpretations coming in cold - second, third, fourth hand, I mean really. Do we absolve our responsibilities to some higher friend or foe ? What if We were that friend/foe, the higher power ? I think we are, we all have our third eye, our dream state, that subconscious cardigan missing a button but still a dependable friend.
We’re mostly not wearing white robes and sleeping under bushes, and true, seems there’s sweet fck all we can control given the big stuff. However when we make a move in the right direction however small, the instinct button goes Yes, right move. As it does No, on a wrong move. Anthropologist Margaret Mead stated "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." You’re onto something there Mags.
When we got the covid lockdowns, my Pacific rim Jesus (I’ve got a few), pricked up her ears. A chink in the armour of the machine. Where’s this heading she thought. Change needs a window, are we looking at a peep hole here, or a ranchslider ? We were hardly blinded by the light, but for a short while it did get the rosaries moving, the joss sticks burning.
My jesus has come up with a new phrase, BounceBack. It’s what happens when we venture into new territory, a voluntary move or taken by force, only to scurry back to square one, first chance. Square one might not be fully functional, but it’s familiar. I have to get on my adventure jesus to avoid BounceBack. There should be an adventure jesus Barbie, crampons, ice axe, climbing to the heavens. Adventure is never comfortable or it wouldn’t be called adventure, and jesus Barbie could take the hits, make Mordor by dusk no probs.
It’s so much easier to take the bounce, and sometimes I do. I’ve some quotes sprinkled round the wall of my office shed, my escape pod. Such as ‘courage is not a lack of fear, courage is fear walking’. Am going to conscript some of these whakatauki into a 2027 manual for self.
The manual, working title Book of Bazzarus, is already full of helpful lists like the one earlier in this blog. Kind of like a selection of observations and take-outs for the curious wanderer. All straight up, free tickets to heaven.
The pulpit’s always waiting, tea and scones for afters, apples aplenty in the garden of Eden. Blessing be upon us brethren, we are each of us mind benders, heart givers and truth tellers. Here’s to keeping our kumara dry and a sharp eye out for BounceBack.
Keep the faith brothers and sister 🫶🏼🫶🏼🙏🏽.
Till next time :)
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