NovemBirds

November was a long month with short days and a body that isn’t quite playing along at the moment. Am I just reacting to stress? Am I still recovering from thyroid surgery? I’ve struggled with these questions, but decided to accept that: 1. it’s most likely a combination of both, and 2. it doesn’t really matter anyway.

I’m cautiously dancing with my fear of a ME/CFS relapse instead of fighting it – but if I’m really honest, I don’t think that’s what this is.

For the privacy of those involved, I still don’t feel comfortable talking about the major external stressor in my life right now. All I can say is that I don’t wish this situation on anyone, and all I can do right now is live each moment as it comes.

Planning is hard. The only thing we can predict right now is unpredictability.

The upside (I always seem to find an upside, probably to a fault) is that living moment by moment wrenches me into the present. It forces me to look around and whisper “this is good” when something is good. To take deep breaths, love harder, laugh at absurdity, and hug people like I mean it.

Then, when the wave crashes, I cry. I let myself become enveloped by despair, reminding myself: it’s not permanent. Another sweet moment is always waiting in the wings.

Through good and bad, I hold on to Jesse for dear life, and he holds on to me. He’s not without his own stressors, but we make a pretty good team.

I’ve probably said this before, but our little world feels like the calm, safe, quiet eye of life’s storm. A place where we can both retreat whenever we need to, and know exactly what we’ll get when we arrive.

In November, our home suddenly and spectacularly became surrounded by birds: friendly king parrots, rainbow lorikeets, currawongs, bronzewing pigeons, cockatoos, crows, magpies, and galahs.

All it took was two king parrots taking shelter from the rain, some seed from Jesse, and word spread like wildfire amongst the local avian population.

They’ve quickly become part of our daily life. Along with Rigby and the cats, they keep us grounded in reality and connected to the world around us.

I try and hold back on feeding them too often. I worry about them becoming reliant and unable to fend for themselves. Jesse’s heart is too big. He’s at their beck and call.

Of course, this only makes me love him even more.

If it’s not already obvious, November was a bit of… everything. Life has simplified, but somehow also become more complicated. Balancing stress, rest, and productivity is taking a bit more effort than usual.

In October, I felt emotionally ready to be social. I assumed I’d be operating at 100% a few weeks after surgery.

I organized to see more people in November, got terribly excited, then watched with existential unease as my body forced me to cancel many of my plans; including my birthday celebrations.

By mid-November it felt like my recovery had plateaued. I was still dealing with fatigue, dizziness, and lower moods than usual. I got bloodwork and met with my doctor, which resulted in a certificate for a month of medical leave from work.

Our shared theory was that whether my issues are physical, mental, or a combination of both, temporarily removing the stress of work might help.

Slowing down physically makes it tempting to lie on the couch and doomscroll, but for most of the month, I’ve managed to avoid it. Overall, I spent more time making things instead of consuming things, which feels good for my brain. My movement routine has been stripped back to maintenance mode (walking, and a couple of training sessions per week), but that’s okay: I’m still moving, and that’s all that matters.

I feel like I’m on a boat being tossed around by a wild storm – but I’m out on the deck, white-knuckling the railing, laughing hysterically into the wind, getting pelted by rain.

Storms will come and go.

I’m inundated with gratitude every day, which tells me that – despite the wild weather – life is good.

Other nice things that happened in November:

• I turned 41

• I bought a pair of fancy pocketable binoculars which I carry on walks but use mostly at home to look at birds

• I saw red-rumped parrots for the first time

• We met the currawongs’ chicks, who are now part of the bird squad we have hanging around the house

• I ate a gigantic box of cherries in under 48 hours and did not die

• I took a lot of film photos, none of which have been developed yet

• I didn’t drink any alcohol

• I used my new iPad to doodle in Procreate and write journal entries

• I enjoyed the smell of dry gum leaves on a hot day

• I watched Jesse whip our car around a racetrack

• We danced in a milking shed to a friend’s DJ set

• We drank (probably too much) bubble tea 😬

A few more photos of November vibes: