How The Navigators Normalized Marital Rape

Let’s look at how specific discipleship materials actually enable marital rape.

But first, a bit of background. Last week I wrote about the two kinds of marital rape.

I originally published this on my blog a few years ago as part of a longer series I was writing about sexual recovery in marriage when the dynamics have become toxic. I started that series thinking it would be six posts; it ended up being much longer because the comments section was filled with women describing marital rape situations. Marital rape is, tragically, rampant in evangelicalism.

Well, it’s rampant everywhere, but within evangelicalism it’s often normalized, and that’s the problem.

My thesis about the 2 kinds of rapists is quite simple:

One the one had are abusers who would abuse regardless. They were always going to be abusive, entitled, narcissistic people.

But on the other hand we have men who wouldn’t have otherwise raped their wives, but ended up doing so precisely because of evangelical teaching that normalized it.

When evangelical teaching says:

• Men have an insatiable need for sex that women will never understand

• God made women to help men defeat lust and porn

• The worst thing you can do is to lust after other women or watch porn

• Wives are men’s lawful sexual outlets

• God’s will is that you have lots of intercourse with your wife

• Women don’t tend to want sex

• Women aren’t to deprive you

Then you’ve created a culture where everyone thinks it’s normal for men to pressure or force their wives to have sex with them. Men assume it’s normal for women to have sex against their will, because women never want it anyway but God wants us to have lots of sex. And since it’s wrong to watch porn/lust, and wives are the ones that are supposed to reduce that temptation, then it’s more righteous to use your wife than to do the other things.

Rape becomes normalized among immature men who may not otherwise have done so, because in some twisted way they think they’re honoring God. We spent two chapters on this in The Great Sex Rescue, and these were the most important chapters we wrote. And every single day I get so many emails from women telling me story after story of rape happening in their marriage.

Often they aren’t able to identify it as such, but as I explain, any time you have to have sex to prevent something bad from happening, there is a lack of consent and that is coercion.

When we were discussing this on social media, so many people denied there was a problem.

They said this wasn’t prevalent in evangelical materials; they said that I was just attacking the church for no reason.

And so today, I thought I’d share just one particular book. It wasn’t a huge seller, but a huge discipleship organization used it as a men’s study. Navigators still advertises it.

(UPDATE: Since originally posting that link earlier this week, the Navigators appear to have taken it down! That’s progress! Yay!)

It’s the Every Man a Warrior series, and it was written by Lonnie Berger who worked at Navigators.

After my article on marital rape, a woman sent me a screenshot of several pages, and I want to include them here because this is absolutely typical of the way that marital rape is normalized in evangelical materials. I’ve talked about the best-sellers that call women methadone before. Here’s a book that went moderately big, and is representative of the general approach that evangelical material took towards sex in marriage:

I know that can be hard to read, so let me highlight some of it:

But Kevin’s anticipation of their honeymoon was shattered on their wedding night when Carol rolled up into the fetal position, pulled the covers over her head, and quietly sobbed. She later revealed that her older brother had sexually abused her during high school.

In the first decade of their marriage, sex was never good. Carol had performed her wifely duty even though Kevin knew she hated it and resented his physical needs. Now twenty years into their marriage, with four children, Kevin was losing hope. As they got into their late forties Carol became increasingly angry toward him. Her bursts of rage and stares of hate were driving Kevin into depression and despair.

Now, they hardly ever had sex. Kevin’s frustration kept mounting and once a month or so he would demand to have sex. Afterward Carol would go sleep on the couch and seethe at him for days. Sex made her feel the horrors of her brother’s abuse and caused her to explode at her husband.

Kevin was a gifted entrepreneur…He worked 60 to 70 hours a week. At least at the office he felt successful, valued, and appreciated. Plus, it was an escape from the torture at home.

…Kevin had never had an affair, although the temptation was high.

Can you see the marital rape implicit in that story?

Here is a traumatized woman, and what does Kevin do? He has sex with her that she hates repeatedly throughout their marriage, and when she shuts down, he “demands” it once a month, after which she feels so horrible she sleeps on the couch and seethes at him.

Can you see what is happening?

Nowhere is it acknowledged that HER sexuality has been stolen too. Nowhere is it acknowledged that he was compounding her hurt. Nowhere is it acknowledged that she had very good reason to say no, and he should have been part of her healing, not the cause of her suffering. Nowhere is it acknowledged that women don’t shut down like this and seethe at their husbands for no reason.

And how does the author describe the dynamics of the situation? Kevin is experiencing “torture” at home.

Here’s a man who is leaving a traumatized woman at home for up to 70 hours a week to care for 4 children, and he’s then upset that she’s angry at him after he rapes her.

It’s unclear why the author puts in the stuff about what a good businessman Kevin is. If someone is good at business, does that mean they can rape with impunity?

Here’s the next part of the story:

Again, I know this is hard to read, but it talks about how Kevin sought help from a mentor and from counselors. The counselor told him to divorce Carol basically because she was withholding sex, but Kevin didn’t want to do that. And the solution to all of this? Kevin had to realize that it is godly to do right when you are suffering. And he was the one suffering.

“So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator [go to God] and continue to do good [what’s right].”

In recent years this verse has become my definition of being a “real man of God.” A real man of God responds to hurt, suffering or trials by “going to God and doing what is right.”

After telling this story, the resolution is that Kevin decides that, despite his suffering, he will do what is right and stay with Carol.

Kevin is the one who is suffering! This is Aunt Matilda all over again (hello to those of you who get the reference).

This is beyond disgusting.

Where does Every Man a Warrior fit in to evangelicalism?

Here’s how the Every Man a Warrior organization describes it:

Every Man A Warrior

DISCIPLESHIP / LEADERSHIP / MULTIPLICATION

EMAW is a discipleship Bible study that “Helps Men Succeed in Life” and win the battles they fight every day.

Since 2011, 100,000 men in 65 countries and in 27 languages have been impacted by the EMAW curriculum.

So they have trained 100,000 men all over the world to believe that men are the victims when they are forced to rape their wives, and then when their wives are upset about that they are doubly victimized.

And all of this is being done in the name of discipleship. It is being done as they are trying to win converts to Christ and teach them what it is to be a Christian.

This book was widely used by Navigators, and the author once worked with Navigators (he has since gone out on his own).

This is what I mean when I say that evangelical materials normalize marital rape.

It is not that they explicitly say “raping your wife is okay or understandable.” It is not that they explicitly say “sure, this is coercion, but God gave you needs.”

No, instead it is that they describe dynamics that are coercive in nature without ever naming them as such, and then they do a major DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) by painting the husband as the victim here.

And, honestly, I think this is worse.

By obscuring what rape actually is, they make it so that people have difficulty identifying coercion. And then when men participate in this, they think this is normal, and even of God. They don’t even realize what they are doing because books and resources have told the same story as their marriage and clearly said that this was normal.

And that’s why marital rape is so high in evangelical circles. We’re taught not to name it or even see it, and to judge the real victim as the man who isn’t getting all the sex he wants.

Even when the woman is experiencing classic signs of PTSD and coercion, we’re taught that this is just her being unjustifiably angry rather than her being traumatized and wanting to get as far away from her abuser as possible.

There simply is no excuse. This has to end.

And the thought that this is being taught in the name of Christian discipleship right now, on the mission field, should be a huge wake up call to what we are supporting with our own tithes and offerings.

You May Also Enjoy:

• The Great Sex Rescue, which clearly shows how these ideas are rampant in evangelicalism, and how we should think about things instead. We also have a free book video study that you can use with The Great Sex Rescue!

• How two pastors responded to my social media posts this week on marital rape—examples of the problems that are out there!

• Our Great Sex Rescue toolkit with attractive downloads and info that you can share with people in your circles about why these teachings are so toxic

• How pastors and authors use euphemisms to disguise sexual assault (video)