You Should Date Your Friends

My husband still slides into my DMs.

He sends me memes and reels from down the hall, from his office, while he’s running errands or out with the kids, and often while lying right beside me in bed. Typical best friend behavior.

However, unlike my feed of colorful outfits and things that are “kinda chic,” his algorithm seems to be filled with real estate updates and latte dads. I approach each direct message tentatively, like I’m approaching an overtired toddler, hoping for a laugh without throwing off my “For You” page.

But sometimes, well…one time, he sent something that made me watch it twice.

Last Saturday night, he sent me a reel from wellness influencer and author of The Confidence Ritual, Jules Von Hep.

In the video, Jules is “mid-glimmer” when a friend messages him to make plans. The friend suggests they go out to a nice restaurant and then see a show, telling him she’s just “really into dating her friends” right now. He loved the concept so much that he starts filming right there in the middle of a busy restaurant.

At one point in the 44-second video, he says:

“Making time for your friends when you’re in your late 30s, early 40s, 50s… like it’s so easy to not do anything special, but creating dates, creating moments, creating these like major glimmers between you and your friends. Living!”

But wait, what exactly is a glimmer?

If you follow Jules (and now I do), you’ll learn his definition after a quick scroll.

His carousels often document a variety of highs, I mean glimmers, throughout the week: a long lunch with a friend, herbal tea at sunrise, booking a job outside of his comfort zone. But what really stuck with me was what he said about dating your friends. My husband noted in his DM that I’m doing a good job of this, and to give myself a little credit, he wasn’t wrong.

I feel pretty good about the friendships I’ve cultivated, and I think becoming a mom had a lot to do with it.

Motherhood brought (and continues to bring) new friends into my orbit because, aside from being easy to spot, we share a language that simply can’t be taught. We can gab about sleep (or the lack thereof) for at least 45 minutes. We can give each other that knowing look, you know the one. Need an extra wipe? She’s got ‘em. Suddenly the cool mom in chartreuse taffeta pants is approachable because your toddlers are sharing a truck in the sandbox. It’s never been easier to break the ice.

I’ve found deeper connections with my friends without kids, too. Maybe this is just part of getting older. We’re finally realizing this whole community thing is what matters.

But the irony of finding new friends as we climb into our late 30s and beyond is that finding time to actually get together (or let alone text anyone back) gets harder.

Friends may come easily, but real friendship doesn’t happen by accident. Between nap schedules, nonstop colds, and calendars that are 87% full by default, you can’t just wait for plans to magically appear. Someone has to send the text. Both parties have to decide that staying up late on Wednesday is worth being tired on Thursday. And don’t forget to communicate with your partner! Who’s going to watch the kids?

To be clear, I definitely haven’t mastered this. I can think of at least three people who deserve a text back from me as I write this. I’ve had to reschedule three times with a close friend this summer, and it looks like we might not see each other for another month. This season is busy. But I’m trying!

Creating the kind of glimmer that comes from intentionally spending time with a friend isn’t something that finds you. It’s something you plan in advance. And in my experience, it’s always worth the extra effort.

The older and busier I get, the more I’ve realized friendship is something we choose over and over again. We won’t always get it right, but gd is it rewarding to try. So if you’ve been waiting for a sign to text the friend you’ve been meaning to see, consider this it. Friendship is the occasion. Plan accordingly!

Pt. 1: How to Actually Make Time for Friends

The hardest part isn’t planning the date, it’s getting one on your calendar in the first place.

1. Be the friend who sends the text.

Someone’s gotta do it, and why not you? Ideally, the initiating should ebb and flow. No one wants to feel like they’re carrying the friendship alone (ouch). But I can almost guarantee they’ve been thinking about you, too. If you really want to see them, don’t wait around.

If you’re not sure what to say, keep it simple: “Hi! Thinking about you. Any chance you’re free next Sunday to get coffee?”

2. Suggest a real plan.

“Drinks next Thursday at X” beats “We should hang out sometime.”

Decision fatigue (in this economy) is so real. Instead of asking what the other person wants to do, come up with an idea or two yourself. Maybe it’s a bookstore bop, a concert in the park, or a personal favorite: walking literally anywhere with matchas in hand. Half the work of making plans is eliminating the back-and-forth.

3. Work around your actual life.

Fancy nights out that start at 8 p.m.? I’d prefer to be in bed by 9, thank you very much. If you’re in a similar season with young kids, a realistic friend date might look like coffee and croissants before your kid’s swim class or a stroller walk through a street with the best window shopping.

If you wait for your ideal schedule to exist, you’ll be waiting…forever. Might as well plan for reality.

4. Put the next date on the calendar before you say goodbye.

Otherwise you won’t see her again for six months. Kidding, but also not kidding. Booking the next hang while you’re still together gives you both something to look forward to. Better yet, it saves you from the inevitable “we should totally do this again!” that takes a century to happen.

5. Accept that someone might have to cancel last-minute.

That’s just parenthood, baby. Kids get sick, us parents get sicker, work meetings shift, life happens. No one likes to cancel, so try not to take it personally or let it be the end of the story. Move on and reschedule instead of letting the friendship fade.

Pt. 2: How to Date Your Friends

Once you’ve made the time, make it an occasion.

1. Dress like the date matters.

We all agree it’s more fun to dress for women than men, right? Wear the anklet. Take the fun bag. Mix the patterns. And don’t forget leopard is a neutral. Nobody appreciates a good outfit like your girlfriends.

2. Celebrate things that aren’t technically milestones.

Like I said last week, one of my personal beliefs is that anything can be an anniversary if you just believe. Kids slept through the night? Celebrate. Sent the pitch? Celebrate. Made it through a hard week? Celebrate. At the very least, it’s an excuse to get gelato.

3. Pretend you’re on vacation.

The thing that makes a getaway feel luxurious isn’t just that you’re in a new place, it’s that you’ve decided to treat an ordinary day like a special one: ordering the extra appetizer, wearing the sparkly outfit, staying out late, etc.

Last night I sat by the ocean with a friend I’ve known for more than 20 years. We stayed until sunset. The beach was full of people on vacation, so why couldn’t we pretend to be on holiday, too? So we did. And we know we’ll see each other again next weekend, too. (Pt. 2, #4!)

4. Try something new together.

There’s a class for everything and maybe even a pop-up down the street. Or what about a new coffee shop you’ve been wanting to try? I’m at one right now and currently witnessing two friends learning how to play Mahjong. New experiences have a way of bonding us, with the added benefit of teaching us a thing or two along the way. Win-win.

5. Put your phone away.

Pretty sure the best sign of a good date is no pics. And there’s nothing better than feeling like someone has your full attention. But the second you get back to your car? Do the millennial thing and pull out your phone to text the obligatory, “That was SO much fun. I LOVE you.” We’ll wonder if we did something wrong if you don’t.

Pt. 3: Your Favorite Friend Date Formulas

According to the Bang Voyage group chat.

Catch a concert

“I recently had a girls night with my husband’s stepsister who is now my close friend! We went to see The Beths in concert and got dinner at a cute sushi spot beforehand. It was fun to share our favorite songs and talk about life between sets. She doesn’t have kids so that was also easy. It’s sometimes difficult to coordinate time with friends that also have kids due to schedules and childcare.” -

Plan the staycation

“Me and my friends are staying in a hotel this weekend so we can spend two days exploring a new city together. I love doing this, just wandering around is such a good way to discover a place, and to relax into hanging out. We’ve had a lot of fun planning this, though one friend wants us up at 7am to go to a yoga class, which I... Might skip.” -

Start a club

“Mahjong is a big one now, book club, wine club.” -

“Ditch bedtime once a month for early book club. 5-6pm start. It’s so refreshing and fun, and sometimes we stay out too late but I love it.” -

Chase endorphin highs together

“My friend and I have been doing cardio tennis this summer and it’s so fun and different. I find this easy to stick to because its a low time commitment, usually gone from home less than two hours, and can make it back for bedtime (we both have two young kids each). We’ve also met new moms in the neighborhood so that is a plus.” -

Nothing beats a Walk & Talk™

“I have a standing beach walk with a friend every Saturday morning. We walk the beach while our sons surf. We all have lunch together afterwards. Another friend and I have a Wednesday afternoon neighborhood walk we do together. The consistency is key for me and my schedule. I find it so much easier to be a good friend when I am in regular in-person contact.” -

“I love planning a walk and talk with friends, but I always pick a neighborhood neither one of us lives in. In New York, I pick somewhere neither one of us gets to go to often like the west village and I plot out our stop for coffee and a separate stop for pastries. It feels like a little scavenger hunt while we get to revisit places we likely haven’t been to since before we had babies. These plans are not easy to make but it also feels like low hanging fruit and it’s easy enough to be flexible in this season of life while babies are under two. We also make sure to detour to a playground with a view.” -

“Try to do a hike after work on Wednesdays (mostly in summer when it’s light out later, but occasionally on a full moon when it gets dark early, if it isn’t cold). It’s a great way to break up a work week! I have a go-to set of 3-4 mile hikes within a 20 min drive (based in Denver) which is how this works on a weeknight.” -

“Walk and talks all the way. One of my best friends since high school and I collectively have multiple kids under 8 years old. Before kids, we would meet for drinks or dinner. Since kids, we plan lunchtime walks where we talk about anything and everything. Sometimes a baby joins in their strollers. Sometimes we are sans kids, sneaking in 30 minutes of sunshine between work meetings. Maybe someday we will have time for dinners or classes together, but walks are what work for this stage of life.” -

“So simple but a simple walk is always great! It lets you both get some movement in, and it’s free!” -

Or, the Walk & Talk’s close cousin: Shop & Talk

“My bestie and I love a 90-minute vintage shopping date. We take 60 minutes and hit up our favorite secondhand shops, then we spend the last 30 minutes grabbing a coffee or glass of wine. Why only 90 minutes? Well, that’s when the kids are taking a nap and the fathers are home.” -

Just add snacks

“Several of my college friends live near the ocean (or a lake) and I love when we pack snacks and just spend the day gabbing by the water. It feels low stakes enough that whoever can show up does, and it’s not a huge deal if you can’t make it. I live about an hour from a lot of my close friends and that does make it tough to get together without a good deal of planning ahead.” -

When I told my husband his DM inspired my next newsletter, he had more to share.

Pt. 1: This NY Times article.

Pt. 2: Sleuth-y photos

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