Recent content on Autistic As Fxxk
Content Warning: lots of ableism (both systemic and internalised) These are just some snapshots of my life growing up in a society with a poor understanding of neurodivergence (particularly during the 90s), with no access to the support I truly needed . I didn’t see myself as “disabled” for a long time I was diagnosed with selective mutism at the age of four. It was a label that defined me and…
This is probably the kind of post I should’ve done at the beginning of the year or end of last year, but if you’ve read some of my recent posts , you’ll know I haven’t been in the right headspace since late last year . I had to take a break from blogging after I wrote my last post , to process a lot of anger and grief, and to reevaluate my whole life. During that period, I did a lot of…
Content Warning: childhood trauma, domestic abuse, gaslighting After much self-reflection, I think I figured out what specifically traumatised me about my grandparents, to the point I became mute around them and started speaking in a soft whisper to everyone else . My grandparents took care of me in my early childhood while my parents were at work. When my parents weren’t around, I witnessed my…
2026 has been really overwhelming for me so far. (As I’m sure it has been for many of you as well!) Aside from everything that’s going on in the world, I’m still feeling destabilised over possibly being misdiagnosed with selective mutism for 30 years. And how that resulted in inadequate support and people having completely wrong ideas about me for most of my life. My workplace uses Google…
Every now and then, whenever I share my experiences with selective mutism online, I’d get DMs on Instagram like “Just a gentle reminder that ‘situational mutism’ is the preferred term in our community.” I know they mean well, but I can’t deny how invalidating it feels to receive those messages. I’m part of the community too and the word “situational” doesn’t reflect my experience at all! I did try…
Content Warning: childhood trauma I was diagnosed with selective mutism at the age of four. It’s a label that defined me and explained my differences for most of my life (I only got an autism diagnosis when I was 20). Recently, a few things happened that are making me question that foundational diagnosis. My sister was with her psychologist friend, who was talking about selective mutism. My sister…
For a long time, whenever I was failed by a system in supporting my needs, I internalised it as proof that something was wrong with me. These weren’t isolated incidents but a pattern that reinforced itself over decades. Here’s how that happened. Primary school Before I entered primary school, my mother tried to inform the principal about my selective mutism , and printed out information on…
Since starting Autistic As Fxxk , I’ve received messages from younger Autistic Singaporeans saying they look up to me and see me as a role model. I’m incredibly flattered and honoured that people see me that way, but part of me wonders: Do I really deserve this? Surely there are other Singaporean Autistic advocates who are much more intelligent, qualified, eloquent, and respectable than I am. I’m…
For a very long time after getting my autism diagnosis at age 20, I assumed I had low support needs . I was originally diagnosed with Asperger’s when that was still a thing and thought that meant I had low support needs. People who don’t know me well tend to assume I’m “very Autistic” because of the way I speak , while people close to me think I’m only “mildly Autistic” because they see me as…
Content Warning: childhood trauma, domestic abuse, sexual misconduct In a previous post about the connection between my selective mutism and childhood trauma , I wrote: I used to love singing at a very young age. My mom always claims I began to sing long before I could talk; not sure if she meant it literally or just quoting an ABBA song! After becoming selectively mute, I desperately wanted a…
Content Warning: childhood trauma, bullying As part of my trauma healing journey , I’ve been exploring Internal Family Systems (IFS) , mostly through reading the book “Self-Therapy” by Jay Earley. For those unfamiliar, IFS is a non-pathologising therapeutic approach that views the mind as naturally consisting of multiple “parts.” You know how people sometimes say stuff like “a part of me feels…
After sharing about my horrific experience with a job training programme for Autistic people in Singapore , I’ve been thinking a lot about what a truly supportive programme would look like. Here are some of my ideas. Disclaimer: These are my personal thoughts based on my lived experience. What works for me might not work for everyone, and I’d love to hear other Autistic people’s ideas about what…
After writing about the childhood trauma that caused my selective mutism and my horrific experience with a job training programme for Autistic people , I’m left with this deep rage about everything I went through. Writing those posts made it crystal clear to me how much BS I had to endure from an early age without adequate support from the adults around me . One thing that’s helping me heal?…
Content Warning: ableism, infantilisation, inspiration porn I’ve mentioned a few times before that I had an awful experience with a job training programme for Autistic people in Singapore. I talked a bit about it in my “Autistic As Fxxk manifesto” post, but after speaking with other Singaporean Autistic friends who had similar experiences, I now feel ready to share my story in more detail. Just…
I know generative AI is a controversial topic now and I’ll probably get some pushback on this post. I’m not asking you to agree with me, but please read this whole post before forming any judgment . If you’re Autistic/Disabled and use generative AI as a support and accessibility tool, you’re not alone. This post is for you. To be clear, I absolutely agree that there are very valid reasons to be…
This Autism Acceptance/Awareness Month, please remember our neurokin who lost their lives to systemic racism and ableism . Rest in peace Victor Perez . And I still haven’t forgotten Ryan Gainer , who we lost last year. 💔 To learn more about the pervasive and systemic problem of police violence against Black and Brown neurodivergent and disabled people, check out Stimpunks’ excellent trove of…
Content Warning: childhood trauma, religious trauma After sharing my last post about the connection between my selective mutism and childhood trauma, more memories and realisations have continued to surface. Perhaps they finally feel safe enough to resurface now that both my grandparents are gone. I think I finally figured out why I started whispering. Since my grandparents lived with us and I was…
Content Warning: childhood trauma, domestic abuse Hey everyone, I know I haven’t posted anything new for some time. I’ve been doing a lot of inner work to understand myself better and try to heal from trauma. Here’s what I’ve learnt so far. I’ve come to believe that much of my difficulties with speaking stem from early childhood trauma. Ever since both my grandparents have died, I felt a strong…
Chinese New Year is my most dreaded time of the year as a Chinese Autistic person. The holiday is my ultimate Autistic nightmare. I’d usually visit my aunt’s place, where all my relatives would gather for CNY. Their voices are so damn loud; I always feel like I’m drowning in sensory overload when I see them. I’d usually end up retreating to a quiet room or corner until it’s time to leave. Since my…
Hey y’all… I know I haven’t written any new post in a while. My grandma was hospitalised in late October (around one week after my birthday) and passed away in December, so I’ve been very preoccupied. I also really wanted to publish this post on 31 December, but I fell sick during the last week of 2024. 🫠 I finally feel well enough to put together a post, so here it is! Finally found a role model…
Here’s a letter I wrote to try to show myself some self-compassion. Dear Rachel, It’s not your fault that you whisper instead of speaking at a normal volume. It doesn’t mean that you’re stupid or defective. It’s a rational response to the things you experienced in your childhood. Your brain is just trying to protect you. It’s not your fault that you feel unloved. It’s not your fault that you feel…
In a previous post , I infodumped about my special interest in Rage Against the Machine. Since then, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my teen years, as I first got into RATM when I was 13. It all started in 2004 when my family flew to Australia to visit our relatives. We slept in my older cousin’s bedroom, and he had this massive RATM poster on his wall. I remember being mesmerised by it, often…
“Just as intentionally liberating oneself from the culturally ingrained and enforced performance of heteronormativity is sometimes referred to as queering, intentionally liberating oneself from the culturally ingrained and enforced performance of neuronormativity can be thought of as neuroqueering .” Nick Walker, Neuroqueer Heresies Here are just some ways I’ve been neuroqueering my life. It’s an…
Here are some ableist beliefs I’ve internalised from a very young age . (Gotta admit, I still believe many of these on my bad days.) I’m less human than everyone else. Other people know what’s best for me better than I do. Everyone else’s opinions are more valid than mine. I must be unintelligent because I can’t speak “normally” . I don’t deserve to have romantic relationships. My sensory…
I was recently interviewed by Autism Dialogues . I really loved the questions they asked me on how my experiences as a Singaporean Autistic differs from Autistics in other cultural contexts, how my workplace accommodates me, what punk and alternative music means to me, and more. Punk and alternative music naturally appealed to me as a misfit and isolated teenager. I felt alienated and had a lot of…
This post is inspired by @_elaurian_ on Instagram who created an amazing Rage Against the Machine wellbeing package for me! It got me thinking of all the ways I use my special interests as self-care. Daily bass practice I practice my bass for at least 5 minutes daily . It’s my favourite way to unwind after a long day. Mike Patton stimmy playlist I have a playlist of stimmy songs by my favourite…
Content Warning: ableism, inspiration porn, murder of Autistic children Consuming content about autism in most Singaporean media can be triggering for me. The narrative is often either “Look how brave and inspiring these parents are for having to care for this poor tragic Autistic kid!” (Source: “Hugs and heartaches: Ageing parents stay strong despite challenges raising children with autism”, CNA,…
Content Warning: problematic creators, sexual assault allegations Post by @autisticasfxxk View on Threads So, some fucked up shit came out about your special interest. It happened to me , and it fucking broke my heart. Here are some tips to help navigate this nightmare: Take your time It’s okay and perfectly understandable to have a grieving period. Your special interest was a big part of your…
Growing up as a young girl who didn’t speak , people tended to make a lot of assumptions about me: that I had no opinions, that I couldn’t understand what was happening around me, that I was just a meek and innocent girl, that I couldn’t hang out with my peers (because they’d just be a bad influence or take advantage of me) and should just be with my parents, that I couldn’t be independent, that I…
I’m currently really struggling. My house is undergoing renovation so I have to stay at my aunt’s place for about a month. I’ve been staying here for 2 weeks already and I’m still not used to it. I miss having my own room. My relatives’ voices can be very loud so it’s easy to get overstimulated. I’ve resorted to sleeping during the day and staying up late at night because that’s the only way I can…
Why stand on a silent platform? Fight the war, fuck the norm Rage Against the Machine, “Township Rebellion” As an Autistic person, my special interests are a way for me to relate to and make sense of things in the world. Lately, my current special interest, Rage Against the Machine , has really been helping me understand and make sense of what’s happening in Gaza. I’ve been sharing information,…
Can you believe it’s been a year since I launched Autistic As Fxxk?? 🤯 Here’s the origin story of the website to celebrate the one-year anniversary! The idea for this website began way back in my childhood . Even though I only got diagnosed with autism at the age of 20, I had a selective mutism diagnosis at the age of four, and loved coding and designing websites as a child (this was during the…
Here’s a new free printable I created: It’s a customisable mini-zine containing these pages: Things I Can’t Leave Home Without My Support System My Comfort Items My Safe Foods Self-Care Reminders Write down your own self-care reminders, tips and affirmations here. Draw or paste a picture of your special interest (or anything that makes you happy) here! Download My Autistic Survival Kit here and…
In my previous post , I talked about my love for the note-taking app Obsidian and why it’s perfect for my AuDHD brain. Obsidian can be a little overwhelming to use at first, so here’s a guide on how to get started! Create a vault After downloading and installing the app , the first thing to do is to create a vault. A vault is a folder where all your notes will be saved. You can either create a new…
I’m obsessed with taking notes on my phone and computer. It helps me keep my shit together. I’ve tried many note-taking apps over the years, and landed on the perfect app for my AuDHD brain: Obsidian . Why I love Obsidian Obsidian is made for bottom-up thinkers . You can link notes to each other, forming a non-linear and associative map of your mind’s labyrinth. Perfect for Autistic and ADHD…
As an isolated and misfit teenager, I was naturally drawn to alternative subcultures like punk and goth . The music captured the alienation I felt and was a cathartic outlet for my angst. I often looked up to badass alternative musicians , who gave me the strength and resilience to always get back up after facing major setbacks in life. Alternative music was pretty much the only thing I could…
Ever since I picked up a bass and plucked my very first note, I knew that this was THE instrument for me. Here are some reasons why. Stimmy low-end frequencies The deep, rumbling vibrations of the bass are stimmy AF. It’s like a massage for my brain! Patterns everywhere The strings and fretboard of a bass are typically tuned and laid out in a geometric pattern . Once you learn the shape of a…
Here are some life hacks I learnt from a young age from my mom, who I highly suspect is an undiagnosed ADHDer: She taught me to set all my clocks 5 minutes fast so that I’m less likely to be late. Whenever she has something important to remember, she writes it down on her hand with a pen. (This was before smartphones existed.) She drinks her coffee from a flask so that it doesn’t get cold. (She…
I’ve been seeing many posts on Instagram on Autistic support needs , and it got me wondering if the culture/environment you live in could have an impact on your level of support needs. I’ve always assumed that I have low support needs , even though I… Live with my parents Don’t drive Am unable to speak “normally” (I’m semi-speaking and speak in a barely audible, whispering voice) It’s super common…
Here are some awesome free resources I found online that I think would be very useful to Autistics! You feel like shit: An Interactive Self-Care Guide A self-care guide in the form of a “choose your own adventure” game. Goblin.tools Collection of AI tools designed to help Neurodivergents tackle challenging and overwhelming tasks. Read my blog post about Goblin.tools. Manual of Me Self-advocacy…
There’s no shame in doing things a little differently when you don’t have the energy to do them like you usually do. Here are some things I do when I’m low on spoons : I sit down while I shower. I use disposable wet wipes instead of towels to clean stuff. I eat food that is easy to prepare . (e.g. leftovers, frozen food, instant noodles) I communicate through typing instead of talking. One of my…
Content Warning: mention of suicide It’s just about being true to yourself and knowing what your limits are. And I knew that if I kept pushing, it could have been some sort of disastrous result. It was just like, “Goddamn it. Maybe I don’t need to do this. Even though I agreed to do it, and it’s gonna bum a lot of people out. I gotta take care of myself. ” Mike Patton This quote from Mike Patton (…
Just wanted to share some practical and no-BS tips that have worked for me. The tips here are inspired by my strategies from “How I get shit done (or at least get started) while having executive functioning challenges” . Find your why Why is achieving this goal important to you? Write down your reasons (they don’t have to be grandiose, they can be as simple as “because it makes me feel good!”) and…
Going to a new and unfamiliar place can be anxiety-inducing for Autistics. Here’s what I do to reduce that anxiety. Directions I use Google Maps to figure out how to get there. Visuals I search for YouTube videos of the place and watch them to familiarise myself with what the place looks like. If there are no videos available, I search for images or use Street View in Google Maps. Food If I’m…
This is a raw post written while I was in the midst of a mini Autistic burnout. (Don’t worry, I’m feeling much better now!) While I’m proud to be Autistic and would never dream of curing it, there are undoubtedly things that I can’t change in my environment and circumstances, that make my life difficult because I’m Autistic. Sharing this because I thought that other people might relate to the…
Shadow work is the process of getting to know the hidden parts of yourself—thoughts, emotions, behaviours and parts of your personality that you’ve repressed because you were taught that they were undesirable or because of trauma. By bringing these hidden aspects to light, you get to understand yourself better and work towards self-acceptance . “Meeting Myself in the Dark” is a guided shadow work…
If you can’t fix it, feature it. Came across this phrase and it made me think. Is it possible to reframe my “deficits” (or negative labels people have given me) as assets? (And not in an “autism is a superpower!” way, more like a “fuck you if you think I’m broken” way.) Here’s what I came up with so far: Sensitive → Perceptive, compassionate Blunt → Honest, straightforward, doesn’t beat around the…
A little post inspired by Keri Smith’s “How to Feel Miserable as an Artist” . Unfortunately, not everything on this list can be avoided, especially if you’re multiply marginalised. Believe that there’s something wrong with you. Compare yourself to neurotypicals. Have no access to resources and supports that you need. (Unfortunately a reality for many Autistics.) Never indulge in or talk about your…
I have a Spotify playlist that I listen to whenever I really need to focus on a task. It’s a playlist of songs I find stimmy by my favourite artist, Mike Patton . Check out the videos below to get an idea of some of the interesting sounds he makes with his voice! (You might want to lower your volume first!) ( WARNING: Video below has some flashing ) His music definitely isn’t for everyone! But I…
My mom always said that I began to sing long before I could talk. Not sure if she meant it literally or just quoting an ABBA song. But I do remember singing a lot at a very young age. Music was my first love. I could effortlessly memorise lyrics and loved sharing trivia about bands and artists with my mom. I stopped talking at the age of four. To be more precise, I still talked to my parents and…