Know Thyself

Note 29/07/2026: When I first wrote this, I didn’t think I’d ever publish it anywhere. It’s personal, and a little embarrassing. But I wanted to share it anyway.

I’m writing this in an attempt to know myself better. I have no idea, as I start writing, where this will lead. It’s 8:02am on a Monday morning, 8th June 2026. I’ve just arrived at work and booted up my computer, and I’m typing this into Notepad. Before I start, I’m going to grab a coffee.

Okay, I have coffee.

Now - why am I writing this?

I’m thinking as I type. These thoughts will be jumbled. I’ll edit them afterwards.

Partly, I’m writing this because my life is changing a bit. For 20 years I’ve written fiction without anyone reading it, and now I’ve written a book that strangers are reading, and many of them seem to be enjoying it. I have a few podcasts and interviews coming up, and I feel like I have nothing to say.

And this led me to the bigger idea that I have nothing to say in general.

And this led me to the even bigger idea that I know nothing about anything, and I don’t truly enjoy anything the way other people do, and I don’t know myself.

In many ways, I feel like a blank slate.

So let’s unpack that.

Lots of people who have read my book said they loved it. They said it made them feel intense emotions. Which is no easy feat. So even if I feel like I have nothing to say, clearly I do. Or, to put it another way, my words have some value.

Part of the problem, maybe, is that I did have things to say. But I wrote novels about these things to get them clear in my mind. I explored them, and I sorted them, and what’s left is a kind of fundamental understanding. When you reach that fundamental understanding, there’s really not much to say down there. Everything I know is in the books. If I had more to say, I’d have put it in a book. My mind is quiet because I extracted the words. I’d only be repeating myself.

Which isn’t ideal, especially as a writer, but also in conversations. Because when people talk to you, they want you to say something.

Okay, next.

Sometimes I’ll watch an interview with a writer, or a film maker, or another kind of artist, and they have so much to say. Such insights, such knowledge. I can’t imagine answering questions with that kind of eloquence.

The truth is, I know a little bit about lots of things. Everything from story theory, to coding, to music, to science, to art, and so on. As someone who constantly thinks about their own mortality, I crave variety. As such, I’ve sampled as many areas of knowledge as I can. I’ve cast my net wide, and caught many fish, but I don’t have many to share.

This is a strange one. I do enjoy things. I enjoy a simple life of routine, with the occasional burst of excitement. I enjoy my family and friends, and nature, and making things.

When I say I don’t truly enjoy anything, I’m talking about media - mainly books and films. There are many things I “kind of like”, but very few things I love in the way other people seem to love them. Other people seem to adore things. They hold them in their heart forever. I feel that way about very few books and films, which is a sad thing.

To be clear, I do like things. There are things I think are wonderful. I recently made a list of ‘things I like’, to clarify them in my mind.

Looking at the list now, I realise I do love things.

But there’s a disconnect.

I write literary fiction. I believe literary fiction is the highest form of art, and I will always pursue it, and revere it, and practice it. It excites me on a profound level - the idea that language can be transformative. The idea that we can change the world, and people, through beauty and words alone. I cherish language. There are few things more fulfilling than using words to craft a feeling that lives in the reader.

But, I realise now, most of the films I love are the “big stories”.

I grew up in the 90s around Spielberg films - Jurassic Park, E.T., Indiana Jones. I love the Disney renaissance films. Aladdin. The Lion King. I love Titanic, Karate Kid, Back to the Future, The Matrix.

I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I love these things, because they’re so far removed from what I write. They’re the films that everyone likes.

But does that matter? And are they really that far removed from what I write?

What do all those films have in common?

They resonate with people.

Yes, they are entertaining, and beautiful, and iconic. But what I love most is that they stick with people. They tap into something deep, permeating the culture. They matter to people. They say something fundamental about the human experience.

When I say I don’t love anything, it’s because I’m purposely ignoring these things. Because they don’t fit my idea of the kind of writer I am.

There are some things that capture the culture that I don’t love. For example, Marvel films. I’ve watched them, and they don’t matter to me. Why?

I suppose there’s a difference between something like Jurassic Park, and something like Avengers Endgame. There’s nothing wrong with Avengers Endgame - people clearly love it. But Jurassic Park is something different. Although it contains a lot of action and excitement, it is a kind of symphony. It’s not just a piece of ‘popcorn’ entertainment, it is delightful art. The characters feel real, the writing is bang-on, the story has an almost mythic structure, somehow inevitable, and meaningful, and accomplished. Every line matters, every shot is a painting. The same is true of all those films I said I love. They are entertaining, but they also go deeper. They push themselves. They strive for something more. They are not only a piece of ‘fun’, they are made with a masterful respect and understanding of story and art.

I also love more “artsy” films. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Swiss Army Man, Eraserhead, There Will Be Blood, The Lighthouse. These matter to me.

Then of course there are some TV shows, and games, and paintings that I love.

Music probably affects me more than any art form. More intensely than books or films. It reaches me in a very direct way, an impressionistic way. There are bands and songs that will stay with me forever.

What about books?

Here’s another source of embarrassment. I read lots of books every year, but finish very few of them, and enjoy even fewer. I hate to admit that. I think literature is incredibly important, and I hope it always exists. But for me, personally, I struggle to find fiction I truly love. A few of my favourites include Life of Pi, Moby Dick, Hamlet, The Bell Jar, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, The Road, and As I Lay Dying. These stories feel like close friends to me.

A lot of the newly-published books I read are well-written and beautiful, but there’s something missing.

It might be brilliantly crafted, but it’s lacking something universal, something sticky.

They achieve the first part - being an impressive piece of writing. But they miss the second part - igniting the world with something people truly care about. I struggle to believe that most modern literary fiction will be spoken about in 10, 20, 100 years.

We seem to have this idea that something can be Avengers Endgame or Hamlet, but not both. It’s either entertainment, or it’s art.

But I don’t believe it’s either/or.

So, what am I to make of all this? What does it all mean?

A few things have stood out to me while writing this.

1. I love those “big” 90s films because they resonate with people

2. I also love lots of “artsy” films

3. Music affects me intensely

4. I am excited by words and beauty

5. There are books that I do love, even if it’s rare

If we combine these thoughts, we get something like this...

I want to take the things I love about films and music, and apply them to literature.

I want to write the books that truly capture the culture, and resonate with people, and stay with them. But importantly, I want to achieve this through the artistic lens of literary fiction.

Like music, it’s not always about “having something to say”, but about feeling. Taking something small and magnifying it, or taking something impossibly large and shrinking it down, so we can pay attention to it. Neither a basic mile-a-minute plot, nor a clever-but-forgettable slog. An enjoyable exploration of a theme through emotion and beauty.

I always want my writing to be ‘delightful’, no matter how far I’m leaning into the ‘art’ of it all. I never want to be fusty, or difficult, or pretentious. Neither do I want to be easy, or shallow, or entertaining for entertainment’s sake. I want to dazzle people through art.

I believe my first published novel is doing that. But I’m not done.

I want to write great literature that becomes part of the cultural canon. Those kinds of stories you see on the “100 greatest novels of all time” lists. These aren’t just well-written books. There is something about them - something iconic. Like Shakespeare’s plays, they strike the perfect balance between entertainment and art. They resonate with the culture through their literary finesse. They will be remembered.

It’s a big dream, but that’s how it should be.

Maybe I’ll never achieve it, but that’s irrelevant.

That’s my north star.

That’s what excites me.

That’s who I am.