I am having an affair with my daughter-in-law. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t stop myself. I volunteered to be her unpaid assistant at her business last year just to be close to her. It became sexual after I arranged a ladies' getaway weekend and made sure it was when both my daughters were busy.
My son travels a lot for his job, and I then stay at their house to help out, so we’re often together 24/7. She is okay with keeping things just casual sex, but I have become obsessed. I feel like a 12-year-old with her first crush.
She is willing to end it, but I always beg her to go on. I feel she is starting to subtly take advantage. I gave her and my daughters expensive bracelets, but my girls had no idea that their sister-in-law’s bracelets cost 10 times as much.
When she takes advantage, I obsess about losing her and double down. My therapist says I’m not stopping because I don’t want to. I even considered telling my husband, but my daughter-in-law said she would cut me off from her family. I then realized I was more concerned with not seeing her again than my grandchildren or son.
What can I do?
You likely know everything I am about to tell you, even if you do not have the language for it.
When folks write to me with problems like this—it happens more frequently than one would think—they are writing from a place of desperation. You were correct in not calling this love or casual sex. You are not in love with her; you are obsessed with her. That is not a judgment.
Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, the term limerence, as described by Tennov in her book Love and Limerance: The Experience of Being in Love, is “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.”
This type of “crazy love” gives us a surge of dopamine and norepinephrine, which our mind and body really like. By seeking that surge again and again, behaviors that mimic OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and SUD (substance use disorder) emerge. That damn reward center is hard at work, to your detriment.
While reading more about limerence in prep for answering your question, I came across “Treatment of Limerence Using a Cognitive Behavioral Approach: A Case Study,” published in The Journal of Patient Experience (a peer-reviewed medical journal). In it, the case study used cognitive behavioral therapy to treat limerance. Now, you should take a look at the actual case study (there is a helpful graphic that explains the circular psychology of that compulsive behavior), but one thing that stuck out to me was that often a cause for the deep-seated insecurity driving limerence is "uncertainty surrounding a primary, committed relationship.” It’s something to note, as you unravel what happened.
And I am all too well-versed in the shame cycle that ensues. That shame deepens the feelings of unworthiness that led you here, making you more desperate for the one thing that will relieve that unease—the object of your limerence, your daughter-in-law
I do not believe that you want to hurt anyone here. However, what you are doing is harmful to every single person in your immediate family. While I believe in honesty in general, telling your husband would be an attempt to relieve yourself of this burden. It would implode the lives of your husband, son, daughters, and grandchildren. That is not a necessary pain they need to carry.
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As for your daughter-in-law taking advantage, that’s of little importance right now. What you need to focus on is changing your behavior. You need some help. And I believe if you get the right kind of help and some additional support, perhaps from a program like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.), you can stop this insanity and prevent unnecessarily harming the people you love.
I don’t entirely agree with your therapist. They’ve told you that you are not stopping the affair because you don’t want to, and it is not that simple.
Of course, you need to be willing to take some direction from a therapist who can guide you through actionable CBT or by implementing a 12-step program (or similar). I really hope you do this. If you need assistance finding the right therapist who uses CBT for OCD (limerance is unofficially under that umbrella), please email me, and I can send you some guidance. This affair is not bringing you joy and is in danger of causing severe damage to ALL of your familial relationships. Please get the help you need. You deserve better, too.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE, direct message me through Substack, or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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