I'm Burned Out On My Friends' Bad Marriages

Q.

Hi Erin,

You've answered some questions tangential to mine, so if it's not a fit for Ask Erin, I understand. However, I love your work, and I'd love your insight on this.

I've had several friends over the years, some of whom I've known prior to their current marriages and some not, who have wound up in emotionally abusive relationships. This is, obviously, not their fault. I've strived to be the best possible support I can to them through every hill and valley. Some of them have since left their relationships and some not, but one thread has run constant through all of them: they've taken a huge toll on our friendship.

Now, another friend, one of my closest, has realized her marriage isn't turning out to be what she thought. Recently, I showed up for a lunch and hangout at her house. She broke down in tears and told me that the week after her dog died, while she was mid-miscarriage, her husband told her he didn't get her flowers for Valentine's Day because she didn't deserve them.

My heart aches for my friend. I want to be there for her. But this has happened so many times to so many of the people close to me, and I feel worn out. Supporting someone through the cycle of abuse is exhausting (much like being in the cycle of abuse—I left an abusive relationship years ago.) Some of these friendships will never be the same. I'm dreading the late-night, tearful phone calls I know are coming, the insistence that things will get better, the reasoning that she just needs to learn to expect less.

I feel burned out by my friends' horrible marriages, and I feel guilty for feeling burned out. I see the pain they're experiencing, and I want to support them through it. 

How can I continue to support my friend while setting boundaries and taking care of myself?

Thanks for any insight you can provide, and thank you for your work—it has been life-changing for me!

A.

Thank you for the kind words about Ask Erin! Writing this column for the past 15 years (!!) has been a privilege. I sincerely hope my advice is helpful, even when there is levity. 

I have been in your situation before, more than once, and not unlike when a person is in the throes of an addiction, witnessing someone we love remain in an abusive relationship is heartbreaking. As you well know, leaving is a process. On average, a person in an abusive relationship will attempt to leave their partner seven times before leaving for good. 

I understand your guilt, but remember that setting boundaries doesn’t mean you have to shut the door on that friendship altogether. 

Instead, it means you are taking care of yourself, which is a priority to being a good friend in the first place. You can absolutely set personal boundaries without exiling them. And this is important because abusers want them to be isolated. How do we do so? 

Voice your concerns with empathy and without judgment. You can and should point out what you see. You can be specific about behaviors or incidents that worry you. Let them know you are concerned for their mental well-being (or, in some cases, their safety). Do this without criticizing or blaming them for staying. 

Remind them of who they are and how much they are valued. Emotionally abusive partners rely on making their significant other feel worthless and unloved by anyone but them. Reinforce your friend’s positive attributes. Remind them of their worth and how much you and others love and care for them. 

Prevent isolation. Thwart their abusive partner’s attempts to keep them isolated. Answer their texts and pick up the phone when they call. Extend help where you can (within your bandwidth) if and when they reach out for help. This can be done by helping them connect to resources—domestic violence organizations (because, yes, emotional abuse is a form of DV), finding a therapist, etc.—or assisting them in making a plan to leave. Spend time with them doing something you both love—roller skating, beach days, seeing a movie, etc. The goal is to open pathways back to their friends and community. 

Maintain boundaries around discussing their relationship. Once you have voiced your concerns, you can lay a boundary around the topic. If you choose to discuss it, stay focused on concerns about their well-being without directly criticizing them or their relationship. You can tell them that you love them and are there for them, but you cannot have circular talks about their relationship until they are ready to change. 

Accept their choices. Ultimately, you have no control over your friend’s life choices (over anyone’s choices, really). At a certain point, if we want someone in our life, we have to accept them for who they are and where they are at. Yes, be there for them in whatever capacity you can, but not at the expense of your own well-being. Your mental health, your time, and your peace are valuable, and it is absolutely okay to take a step back to care for yourself. 

XOXO

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE, direct message me through Substack, or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.