If you told 21-year-old Ashley—the Ashley who was living in NYC, painting the town and figuring out life after leaving Nebraska—that she was about to meet her husband, she probably would have laughed right in your face.
Joke’s on me: I got married when I was 22 years old. Twenty-two! I know the Boomers married young but in our generation people are taking their time, maybe getting married in their mid-to-late 30s, or starting families in their 40s. Many aren’t marrying or having kids at all. So whenever I look back, I have to remind myself how young Justin and I were. We were also very, very in love. It was a huge decision, and one of the best I’ve ever made.
Fast forward to three kids, many moves, multiple businesses, and Justin and I are celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary on August 14th. ❤️
When you’ve been with the same person for as long as I have, people tend to have questions. The big one is what the ultimate green flag was when we first got together. How did I know he was “the one?”
Let’s just say that between 18-21, I got (ahem) a lot of dating in. But honestly, the thing that was different about Justin was that I met him at church, and that was a first for me. We were raised very differently culturally, but we share the same beliefs and values. Our glue is God.
Justin was so intellectually grounded in his faith walk, which was really charming to me because it had a depth I hadn’t experienced yet. More than that…he was just unique. I know, I know! I’ve heard this from people too. “I knew he was ‘the one’ because he was different from the others!” But there really was something so remarkable about him. He made me feel like gold. He cracked me up. He sparked my interest. Nearly two decades later, he still does.
Last August, right here on this Substack, I talked about the power of intention and putting each other first. Now here’s where things get interesting: I can admit that putting each other first when you have small children, mountains of work, and an insane travel schedule is a challenge. There’s always a hurdle. It’s so easy (too easy!) for a marriage to slip into pure logistics. Who’s picking up the kids? Who’s handling the schedule, who’s heading to the airport?
But Justin and I have been so intentional about avoiding that, and I’m really proud of the work we’ve put in. I think 22-year-old Ashley, beaming in a white dress on her wedding day, would be too. We do regular check-ins to make sure we’re both doing well emotionally, which has been such a healthy way to get through busier seasons of life. I feel incredibly lucky to have a partner who’s tapped into his emotions and encourages me to meet him there (because sometimes I’m pretty tapped out).
We’ve also been consistent with our date nights! It’s been nice to balance our practical family planning days with evenings where we can just go out and have a few drinks and unplug from business and kid talk. We refuse to let our marriage become transactional. We want to keep having fun together, no matter what.
We know it won’t always be this hectic. There won’t always be little kids running around. There won’t always be big work sprints. We stay connected now so that when things eventually slow down, we still genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
Years ago, before kids, I was in Atlanta filming a show and told Justin, “We’ll just celebrate when I get back, don’t worry.” He flew to Atlanta and popped up to surprise me anyway. So we take our anniversary very seriously and always carve out August 14th to be together.
Last year, we did the Afrofuture Festival and a KAYTRANADA concert in Detroit, which was fabulous. This time around we’re keeping things close to home. Justin picked the restaurant (I have no idea what it is, he loves a surprise), and I booked us tickets to see Ragtime on Broadway because we both adore theater. We’re staying the night in the city, sleeping in(!!), snuggling without a child asking for pancakes at dawn, grabbing a cute brunch, and then meeting up with the boys. Nice and simple.
I asked Justin the other day, “Can we please just not do gifts this year? Let’s just be about each other.”
He didn’t say a word…he just looked at me and walked away.
Which means he definitely got me a gift. 🫣
Now I’m in a subtle panic trying to collect gifts for him. I need him to give me his gift first so I can gauge what level of gift-giving we’re doing! I knew I was getting a ring upgrade for our 15th (every five years I like to get a diamond added—though Justin’s jeweler told him there’s no room left, so next I’m gunning for earrings). I tried to match the energy and bought him a vintage Rolex. He was dumbfounded. But this year, I pray to God he didn’t get me anything crazy because I am not exactly at Rolex level right now. Hopefully I hit the sweet spot. Wish me luck!
In all seriousness, if anyone in my Inner Circle sat me down and asked how to build a partnership that lasts 16+ years, here’s exactly what I’d tell them:
Marry someone you can laugh with, cry with, grow with, and be quiet with. Marry someone who, even in moments of despair and heartache, still brings you joy and makes you smile when you look at them—and gives you the absolute best time when it’s time for fun. Basically I’d say: marry your best friend.
What about you…are you into celebrating anniversaries? How do you handle the gift-no-gift dance? And what’s a daily ritual you and your partner (or best friend!) use to stay tapped in? Drop it in the comments, I’d love to hear.
Sending love and green flags,
XO Ashley
A bible verse I love
“Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” — John 14:12-14 NIV
A great reminder to ask the Lord for the things that you want, because he wants to give you the desires of your heart that line up with his will.
What’s bringing me joy right now
Collecting rocks and crystals with the boys. Their obsessions become my obsessions!
What I’m reading at the moment
My friend Priscilla Shirer’s book, The Armor of God. It’s a fantastic devotion and video to understand God’s armor through Ephesians.
My anniversary date night look
A sparkly Balenciaga skirt that I bought two NYE ago and have yet to wear, with a Good American tank and a leather jacket for if it’s cold in the theater. I’m thinking a fresh blowout and barely there makeup. Chill, but celebratory.
A recipe I’m currently obsessed with
My neighbor made this amazing tomato marinara sauce that she canned herself, and she gave me a jar on the Fourth of July. It was so unbelievably good that I had to ask her for more. I combine the sauce with protein pasta and hamburger meat. I swear, it’s the fastest, simplest meal to make and the boys go crazy for it. I don’t cook much, so when Malachi and Isaac told me, “Mom, I think you’re a better chef than Dad!” Justin started cracking up so hard (and for the record, I’m definitely not).
The “cool mom” daytime outfit worth repeating
Wore this for a day in the city with the fam last weekend—an R13 top, with a skirt from sustainable London designer Gina Corrieri and Chanel flats.
The daily habit Justin and I swear by
First thing in the morning, no matter who gets out of bed first (he’s usually up at 5:00 AM, and I am…not), we greet each other with a hug, a kiss, and a quick prayer to start the day.
The prayer might last a mere 20 seconds, but it’s about the physical, spiritual, and emotional intention toward each other. The whole exchange takes two to five minutes max, but we do it every single morning and every single night. It makes a world of difference, and if it doesn’t happen, we definitely give each other a side-eye. 💋
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