Friendship in Three Acts

1. True Friends Don’t Keep Score

When Everett was around two years old, my friend Brandee and I set up a simple babysitting swap: she’d watch Everett for three hours on Tuesdays, and I’d watch her son, Kai, for three hours on Thursdays. But one particular week, after Brandee had already gifted me three hours of free childcare, Kai came down with a fever. Understandably, we canceled the plan for me to watch him. I texted her relentlessly in the days after, offering up other windows and time slots I could babysit, every text laced with a cute, I still owe you!

“Ashlee,” she finally texted back, “We’re friends and sisters in Christ. Sometimes it will work for you to babysit more and sometimes it will work for me to watch Everett more. That’s fine, and to be expected! True friends don’t keep score.”

Tears pricked my eyes as my body exhaled a gallon of self-induced guilt. True friends don’t keep score? I didn’t even know friendship could feel like that. Like freedom. Like love.

2. What Time Should I Pick You Up?

After learning my fourth baby had no heartbeat, I received more bad news: my husband would not be allowed to come with me to the D&C due to Covid restrictions. My surgery was scheduled first thing in the morning, which meant I needed to arrive at the hospital at the ungodly hour of 5:30am. As much as I wanted Brett to be the one to take me, I couldn’t wrap my head around waking the kids up at 5am and loading them into the car, all to simply drag them across town to drop me off.

“Maybe I should take an Uber,” I proposed, half-joking, half-serious.

Brett shook his head. He doesn’t like it when I take an Uber to the airport, let alone a ride like this.

“Who else can we ask?” he said.

On a whim, I texted the only person I knew for sure would be awake at that time: my friend Alli. Dependable, loyal, and forever an early riser. “I have a really intense favor to ask you,” I texted, explaining the situation.

No hesitation.
No pause.

She simply typed back, “Of course I will. What time should I pick you up?”

3. I Know You Love Me

Lauren and I have known each other since we were covered in braces and teenage acne. We have what my friend Sarah calls “historical intimacy” — which is really just a fancy way of saying we knew each other before we became grown women, wives, and mothers. We now live on opposite sides of California and have somewhat opposite careers. Me: self-taught writer and photographer. Her: bona fide medical researcher (complete with a PhD!) who works in a lab writing grants, conducting clinical research, and analyzing data. I wear sweatpants to work; I’m pretty sure she owns a lab coat. Enough said.

A few weeks ago, I sent Laur a life update on Voxer and you can imagine my absolute horror when I realized she turned 40 in November, but we haven’t spoken since October. I looked everywhere: my call log, our texts, Voxer history, even our Instagram DMs, but I could not find a single trace of evidence that I had wished her a happy birthday. With a lump in my throat, I sent her a voice note apologizing profusely, trying to make sense of what I had been doing that week1, asking her to forgive me for being a terrible friend.

Lauren sent me a voice note back practically laughing, reminding me of a metaphor I myself once used to describe our friendship. While new tree roots maximize the intake of water, nutrients, and oxygen, old roots provide structural stability and anchor the tree.

“We’re like old roots, remember?” she said, “And the beauty of that is we don’t have to come back and constantly check: are there still pretty flowers? Are we still okay? Whether or not you call me and actively wish me a happy birthday doesn’t matter … in the back of my mind, I know you love me.”

Weeks later, those five little words are still echoing in my heart. I know you love me.

What a simple yet profound relief to have a friendship this secure. This grounded. This anchored. Friendship isn’t always easy—nor should it be!—but I can say this with all honesty: it’s always been easy with her.

In case you missed it, the Coffee + Crumbs team wrote another book and TODAY IS LAUNCH DAY (!). This book is our love letter to female friendship, low-key hospitality, and so much more. We keep saying You’re in Good Company isn’t a book you read, it’s a book you live. Here’s what I mean by that, via our amazing launch team:

“Beautiful night of chaos.”
“Happy hour in our backyard.”
“Dishes in the sink, not a homemade thing in sight.”

This is it.
This is the whole heart of You’re in Good Company.

We hope you read it. We hope you love it. We hope you live it. ❤️

Order the Book

P.S. Other places you can catch me on Substack this week: BYO Dinner and Other Mantras for 2026 via Coffee + Crumbs, Q+A on Turning 40 with Melissa Kutsche, Q+A on Friendship with Laura Wifler, and my friend Dorina’s running a short excerpt and giveaway here. Book Launch Season™️ is very intense so thank you in advance for (temporarily) letting me talk about this anywhere and everywhere. ❤️