In our modern, busy world we have long experienced ourselves as separate from one another and the environment that surrounds us, which we often see as something to make run as smoothly and efficiently as possible so that we can be as comfortable as possible, Only in recent years for many of us are we experiencing that this may not be as smooth or comfortable as we might like.
This has definitely been a bumpy year for me, with rapid, sweeping change coming out of seemingly nowhere. I’ve hardly had time to catch my breath before the next waves start to crash over me. There is little left of life as I knew it at the start of the year. Then hubby and I were planning to move to a beautiful farmhouse in Tuscany to begin the later chapter of our years together, believing that it would have been the happiest one so far. Instead Life, my Guides, Soul had a different plan. I was brutally ripped out of that stable ground which had also kept me small, safe and secure and plonked back where I had originally come from without understanding why, never mind feeling it was something I really wanted to do. It felt like being drawn by an invisible magnet, a super-powerful force I could not actively resist.
Hubby’s reaction was equally brutal, not surprisingly. Neither of us had seen this coming or wanted it. And somehow, we both knew in our depths that it had to be, as painful as it was. I’m still reeling. He seems to be acclimatising himself to a new stability that is more peaceful and harmonious than his wife’s innate restlessness and fluidity, as much as he may miss her. I have no words to describe the heartbreak of losing his steady presence and love and our home. Especially when what has swept me up in its spiralling winds demands that I am as grounded as a redwood.
We live in a rainbow of chaos.
Paul Cezanne
One of the many profound gifts this multiple crossing of thresholds has given me is finding the eye in the centre of the storm. I’m often not calm to put it mildly, especially when my deeper needs, until recently pushed firmly down in my consciousness, surface and explode. Then I become an unrecognisable, dysfunctional version of myself that never had a chance to express herself, be held and heal when she was a little one. A wailing banshee, screaming not just for her own unmet, existential demand for love, but quite possibly all those versions of herself across multiple lifetimes who never received what they needed.
But after a summer of hot outbursts as the reality of an unexpected single life at 55, having to start all over again, began to set in, I am finally also beginning to settle within myself. It sounds so damn obvious but we easily forget that what shows up outside us is a reflection of what is within us. In other words, outer turmoil has its roots in inner turmoil. If I go crazy because I’m triggered when my expectations are not fulfilled, it’s clear that any adult with half an ounce of self-respect sooner or later will put boundaries, especially if it is pushing their own buttons on similar issues. Then the more hidden, more tender feelings beneath the layer of reactivity show themselves. Our belief system starts to be visible, and all the ways in which we unconsciously create our own reality get lit up like a stadium on a dark night.
Nothing seems to be as effective a spotlight as the non-availability of love (or money or prestige or impact or….the amplifiers are many). So core and essential to our survival and flourishing, for every human being on the planet. Our attachment patterns form before we have language, as we learn to tune into the frequency of our primary caregivers, often our mother, for the love and care we so desperately need. Those attachment patterns run unconscious scripts in our heads about when we are safe and taken care of, or not. Maybe we push and grasp to the source of love that as infants is outside ourselves, or perhaps we do the opposite and avoid contact to not feel the depth of disappointment and devastation when it leaves. Then there are the cultural overlays where perhaps love can be sourced from a variety of places if mother is not available, or where we need to become self-reliant early in life.
I found myself feeling more fragile this season than I ever remember, understandable when life as I knew it simply unravelled at a speed of knots. I expected someone to pick me up and then felt worse when that fantasy did not become reality. I pushed, then shouted - repeatedly, bitched, found flaw and fault, and forgot somewhere that this person is actually really important to me. Described differently, I sat righteously in my separate sense of self and picked apart what they were doing to create a relationship I don’t like because I wasn’t receiving what I wanted. I also ignored the fact that I am in the dynamic. Eventually, this individual put a clear end to that old chestnut by setting a hard boundary. I wondered why it had taken so long, then burst into tears.
And it made me panic, then contact a few dear ones late at night who were kind enough to call and write until the small hours. Bless you dear ones! In my wounded state, I was not open to much that didn’t vindicate my position. But slowly as the drama subsided, I began to see how his behaviour results from my inner turmoil and vice-versa. That’s clearly not a healthy way to be relating as adults, but we all do it, often without ever realising what we are doing. Hubby behaved appallingly during our separation because he was so hurt, and I responded in kind. That’s how wars start.
Drawing the circle of self to include other, especially when we don’t agree or worse, is a simple yet incredibly powerful way to see that what is in them is also in me, what is theirs is also mine. As I sit with what I have previously not even allowed myself to feel, it has space to express itself, be heard, seen and held by the older, more functioning parts of myself. When we do it collectively, our unconscious shadows can come to the surface and be healed, once and for all.
Life is frequency. Change your frequency, you change your life. Anything can be healed and we can create anything by changing our inner world. Sometimes the road is bumpy, but all roads lead to love.
Now, that’s what I call magic.
~~~
If you’re navigating a challenging time, moving across a threshold into a new phase of life or considering how to create the things you really want, I would be honoured to walk alongside you as you explore your inner and outer landscape.
I offer guided journeys (5 sessions of 60 minutes, £555) for anyone who is interested in expanding their sense of self and what is possible.
No posts
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.