Finding the gifts

Photo by Anda Ambrosini on Unsplash

Last week was a funny old one. I woke up on Friday morning without a voice, day 5 in bed with the flu, or so I thought. When a sharp sore throat began the previous weekend, I sensed it would be a strong infection but this one is strange (and it doesn’t seem to be Covid). It has gone through its own peaks and troughs but they keep on coming. Every other day there’s a noticeable improvement, followed by the opposite a day later. Slow-moving and nasty. And out of the blue.

One of the good things about being reduced energetically to bed is that you have time to reflect. Granted, perhaps the reflections generated through a state of inflammation are not the healthiest we will make, but they have proved themselves quite useful all the same. The purging that our systems go through happens on many levels, not just sweats, sneezes and coughs. And I’ve always found it useful to pay attention to my mental chatter, how I’m feeling emotionally and what I intuit may be emerging spiritually.

It has been a good opportunity for more-than-usual self care. Hubby has been a great support, doing all the stuff I can’t muster the energy for myself - cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping. He’s pretty good at sharing those normally. So the care I have been giving myself this week is more about relaxing deeply, letting thoughts and feelings come and go, noticing where I feel stuck and my body heats up or my ears, nose and throat get completely blocked. Meditations and mantras have taken the place of yoga, sculpting and hiking out on the lake. These late autumn days have been glorious. Those spent in my domestic cocoon have been a bit painful.

The purge is releasing a lot of heat - frustration at being knocked out for a week when there are a lot of things I want to get done before the holidays. Some sadness (which for me often expresses itself as anger) at the ‘failure’ of some new relationships I had been cultivating to explore opportunities to work together. A little exhaustion from creating a new business that is both enlivening and hard graft. The frustration and exhaustion are easy enough for me to feel and recover from. The sadness / anger less so because old patterns resurface and they hurt.

I think most of us can easily connect to people we like, probably because they will think and feel quite similarly about things to us. It’s a different kettle of fish though when we realise that is not the case, despite earlier harmony in the interactions. We all know that honeymoon stage of any relationship, not necessarily our most intimate ones. When all parties show up in ways that look good, feel good and bring everyone closer together so we can start to bond. Then somewhere along the way, our shadow sides start to emerge, brought out by the things we disagree on, especially if they are strong contrasts. How we show up, how we feel in the presence of the others, how we feel when we leave them. Our thoughts, reactions, energies. More often than not, we’re not even aware that what is being triggered is something much deeper than the current situation or any (imagined) offence.

We all have reactions, it’s part of the beautiful messiness of being human. Some of us will try to please, others to withdraw, others again to push for what they want. We easily fall into patterns like the Drama Triangle, stuck in the dance without end between victim, persecutor and rescuer. More often than not, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse then come boldly riding in on their trusty steeds, weapons at the ready.

So I’m grateful for these 5 days of sweats and chills and all the rest that have helped me get beyond some of my own reactions. It has been a valuable six months of learning which has shown me how I fall into a certain hole in the road again and again. I pulled myself out this time and withdrew rather abruptly, which was obviously felt by others who were closely involved. It is also all too easy for them to make me responsible for how they have been feeling. Likewise for me to point fingers because they cannot meet my needs. That’s how conflicts get entrenched. Instead I realised, as the famous expression goes, that it was wiser for me to grow up, clean up and show up differently when they invited me to do so. I hope that I won't get entangled like that again because I don’t set my boundaries early and clearly enough so that others can know exactly where they stand, and we don’t damage trust when there is disagreement or we part ways to pursue different priorities.

Dynamics take more than two people to create and they are powerful. To live in our integrity asks us to be really honest with ourselves about how we contribute to the situations we experience. I don’t believe individuals are toxic, though dynamics often become so. Our early childhood patterns of coping with things we find difficult are hard to change. They can feel so much part of us that, at best, we may only become more aware of them with hindsight. But this weekend, one of those younger Russian dolls in me is now smiling broadly at the fact she has had the space to grow. And she too has gifts for the long line of ‘others’ who have triggered her patterns and brought her opportunities to see them in action.

Being honest in ourselves also means we can stand our ground and speak truth to power. Power is often the currency that is traded in toxic dynamics. Some have it, some don’t, some will try to get it, others couldn’t care less because it’s so much easier to follow and have an easy life. Standing our ground and speaking through our authentic voice requires courage, stability and strength. It hurts when the wrath of the gods comes down hard and we feel cast out of the village, literally or because people turn their backs on us. And it is hugely empowering to discover we don’t need to set ourselves up for it.

It helps when we feel supported and remember that we have already drawn in those who are good to us and for us. It feels great, energising and regenerative for everyone. We are well-grounded and stable, energetically, emotionally and spiritually.

Photo by Noyo creatif on Unsplash

It is possible then to feel empathy with people who trigger our shadows. Chances are perhaps that we have done the same for them. We don’t have to get into blame and shame, retract and exclude. We can simply thank them in our hearts for the chance to see how we show up when we are not at our best, for bringing us the gift of becoming more conscious and whole. And quietly go on our way.

I am by nature a nomad and the village where I deeply belong is waiting for me where we are going to put down roots in Tuscany. We will create it with people who love us just as we are. And in these same last six months, I have also found my business partner Josselin, renewed my connection with land and experienced my family constellation heal and shift.

That’s not bad for a week of flu, is it?!

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If you would like to discover more about how to connect with others, also in situations that you find difficult and painful, please join us for a sensory experience of ways to create greater stability in your life, with your team or in your organisation. Josselin and I will be happy to welcome you from mid-January 2025.

Thanks for reading.