An Effective Treatment

I’m lying back in the dentist’s chair with four hands wielding instruments inside my mouth. My dentist is explaining – to me and the dental nurse – that they are drilling out a cavity in an unusual location, in a back molar, close to the gum line.

My dentist sounds concerned. Could be acid reflux maybe? I fear its more likely my sometimes patchy dental hygiene. I flush as a hot wash of embarrassment and shame rises through me like a tide.

The hands are removed and I’m told to rest my jaw while I can. I remark that I am feeling ashamed of my cavity.

My dentist hastens to tell me there’s no reason to be ashamed and, on autopilot, asks me why would I feel that way?

I instantly feel ashamed of my shame. But I’ve been here before.

“Mostly because I’m a woman of my generation who was raised by the prevailing culture to think there must be something wrong with me when anything goes even a bit wrong.”

“Oh, right…” my dentist replies, preparing to go back in. I raise my hand slightly, the agreed signal to pause work.

“As soon as I hear myself say it aloud, I hear how ridiculous it sounds, I can’t help but laugh and that eases it. Shame shrivels when we bring it into the light.” I shrug, and lower my hand.

I open my mouth as wide as it can go. Work resumes.

Thank you for reading, your time and attention are a gift.

• Have you ever had a moment of feeling ashamed of your shame? What did you feel ashamed about? What was the message you had absorbed, and from where?

• Have you ever been the person rushing to reassure, and saying, “Why would you feel that way?” I’ve said that in the past, but now I know how it feels on the receiving end. How could that question be phrased so it is less (accidentally) accusing? What could we say instead of asking a rhetorical question?

• Is there something you used to feel ashamed of, but have since reconsidered? What took the sting out of the same message for you?

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