It Hurts to Start

I’m currently in Week 6 of The Artist’s Way and it has been a big uphill journey. I’ve been doing my morning pages every day but there have been many days where I could only fill up half a page. My thoughts have been split almost in half — some days are full of very positive, happy notes while on other days I spiral into fear. They’re both valid feelings that I’ve been willing to openly embrace.

This is actually my third time doing The Artist’s Way. The first time I didn’t make it to the end because I put too much pressure on myself. The second time I did every single thing and made it to the very end feeling ambitious. This time I’m being gentler with myself. I’m still doing the morning pages and answering the prompts but I’ve let go of the need to fill three full pages every morning.

I’m currently living in Portugal and every year I go home to visit my family in Hawaii. This year my partner and I decided to do multiple trips — his home in Bristol, UK and mine in Honolulu, Hawaii. I know, extremely different.

We spent a week visiting his family and even took a day trip to Avebury, the world’s largest prehistoric stone circle with a small town situated right inside. Similar to Stonehenge, no one knows how the rocks were moved and there are local legends about fairy lights dancing between the stones at night. As someone who is very spiritual I felt the energy there — I even picked up a tarot deck as a little souvenir.

After the UK we had one day in Lisbon before an 11-hour flight to San Francisco. The flight itself wasn’t terrible — I watched four movies back to back — but the aftermath was tough. Eight-hour time difference, going to sleep at 8pm and waking up at 3am, body completely lethargic, focus practically nonexistent. Then another flight to Oahu with a 10-hour time difference from where we started. It took about three days before we were sleeping and waking up at normal times.

Since we were dealing with such a brutal time shift we decided to stay a little longer in Hawaii — two weeks plus three days on the Big Island.

My partner basically wanted to work nonstop. Before we’d explore, on the 13-hour flight, in the evening after dinner. At first it gave me this feeling that bringing him probably wasn’t worth it, but we talked through it deeply and I understand why work is so important to him right now.

But it started to sting my ego. Where is my need to succeed? Why don’t I feel this drive to work nonstop?

The thing is, it’s a balancing act. My partner recently took time off to figure out his next steps. Meanwhile I’ve worked full-time for over 10 years while solo traveling and exploring — my body might still be in rest mode. I wrote, illustrated, and published my first children’s book on top of marketing it everywhere, and I’m happy to say the reviews have been amazing.

So maybe the fire is there. Maybe it just looks different.

The one thing I’ve noticed is just how painful it feels to begin drawing. To get myself into a flow state. Some days are full of ugly, messy drawings. Other days I spend hours feeling tense, drawing things that feel wrong until something finally clicks.

Before leaving for this trip I was on a roll. I had already planned out four different children’s book stories, created a book dummy with a detailed illustration page, and sent it out to 13 literary agents. I even got one rejection — which honestly didn’t offend me at all. I actually felt happy to get feedback and to receive a response so quickly.

But this month, between all the traveling, my mom wanting me to run errands with her, and showing my partner around Hawaii, I haven’t been able to work very much. If I managed three hours of real work in a day I’d feel proud, but I know it’s not enough. And the guilt of not making money has been growing inside me.

I recently read a blog by another artist talking about their own struggle to focus and how everything just feels difficult to create right now. It strangely made me feel less alone.

So yes, I’m writing this feeling a little better because I know I’m not the only one. And as difficult as it is to say — we as humans need to take breaks. We deserve them. I also understand that with prices skyrocketing, the luxury of rest feels harder to justify. Trust me, seeing the prices here in Hawaii really freaked me out.

But I think fully allowing yourself to take a break — without half-thinking about work the entire time — can help you feel 100 percent focused when you go back to it.

So I’m writing this to say: take the break. Whatever you’re doing, do it fully present. If you’re resting, rest. If you’re working, don’t let yourself get distracted. I’ve started playing one specific ADHD playlist whenever I work and it’s become almost like a trigger signal to get into the flow state.

I’ve also been feeling the overall mood of America lately and it’s been difficult, especially as an empathetic person. I can feel people’s worries, their fear, even my partner’s stress around work. I’m still figuring out how to handle it all. I think walks with my dog might help, but I’ll report back on that.

What I do know is that every time I come home to Hawaii, something shifts in me. It’s never just a visit. There’s always something I’m meant to sit with, work through, or finally face. This trip has already stirred up questions about ambition, rest, guilt, and what success actually looks like for me — and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I know I’m here to learn a lesson, and I’ll be reporting back on the reason I came home.