cw // discussions of self-injury, some self-disclosure of methods. no graphic descriptions
At the start of my therapy session, I fidget in my chair like a cat squirming from its owner’s arms. I give my therapist a heads-up: My body really fucking hurts today.
Two years after the hysterectomy, my body is still learning how to be a body. I recently learned in physical therapy that I am not breathing properly. I am stuck in fight or flight. I am guarding my muscles. My diaphragm is too tight. My core is too weak.
“Have you taken any ibuprofen?” My therapist asks.
“No,” I say. “The pain isn’t nearly the same as it used to be, you know this. There’s no need to take any.”
Very gently, they reply: “Are you going to keep passively self-harming, or are you going to get up and take some ibuprofen?”
Because this is the internet, I must insert a few disclaimers here—my therapist knows that medication isn’t the only form of pain relief. I could stretch or do some of my exercises. Use some CBD cream or take an edible. But because my therapist is my therapist, they know I have already tried all of these things, and I am still in pain.
With my documented history of suicide attempts via overdoses, my therapist knows that I hate taking pills and do so now as a last resort. After years of my needing round-the-clock medication to manage the debilitating pain from my endometriosis and adenomyosis before my surgeries, my therapist knows that I would rather suffer than willingly ever take another dose of ibuprofen.
Case in point: I would rather keep suffering than do something that would make me feel better. This is, undoubtedly, a form of self-harm.
I still consider myself to be more than five years self-harm free, clean, sober—take your pick on semantics—because I have not engaged in my most desired form of self-harm in that amount of time. I don’t name it very often, but here I will be candid: I have not cut myself in five years, six months, and one day. It gets easier each day, and it gets harder each day.
And yet, my therapist still needs to kindly remind me that there are many ways to self-injure beyond the “obvious” ways like cutting, burning, or bruising.
Alcohol, sex, and drugs can be used to self-harm. Eating too much or too little or not at all. Punishing yourself in any way—like not taking ibuprofen when your body hurts, even when you know it will help your body hurt less—can be a form of self-harm.
Again, this is the internet, so I must qualify my statements here: The simple act of engaging in these acts doesn’t mean you’re self-harming. I know it sounds obvious, but it still must be said.
I love to have sex, and I know there are times when I have been reckless about sex and used it as a form of self-harm. There are recreational drugs I like to use! And. There have been times when I used some drugs purely as a form of escapism, a form of numbing—a form of self-harm. I don’t drink much anymore, and I very, very rarely drink to excess these days, because I am very aware that I have, historically, used alcohol as a form of self-harm.
My therapist often describes these differences as active versus passive self-harm. Instances when I intentionally used drugs or alcohol to cause myself pain, like not letting myself get up to use the bathroom until I finish a task (something I just paused my writing to do, because, why am I torturing myself for no reason? This essay will get written regardless) or not taking pain medication when I need it, are passive forms of self-harm.
Even if I don’t want to hurt myself, I am still hurting myself by not helping myself.
There is no award for suffering. I know many of our therapists have said this at one point or another. Just because we know we can manage certain pains, withhold ourselves from certain joys, and still be okay, it doesn’t mean that we should—especially if we don’t have to.
I take the ibuprofen on the call, with my therapist watching. And yes, it does make me feel better.
“Thank you for choosing not to stay in pain,” they say. And I thank them for calling me out.
I don’t want to hurt myself intentionally, but sometimes, I forget how often I harm myself without noticing.
So much of recovery, I’m learning, is in the noticing. It’s in the ability to admit: This thing that I’m doing is hurting me. I don’t have to do this.
I am going to choose to do something different.
this poem is a little too long to include here, but i still wanted to feature it nonetheless: i read In Defense of Small Towns by Oliver de la Paz earlier this week and it profoundly moved me, and i’m hoping you feel moved by it, too. this is specifically for anyone who moved away from their hometown and has complicated feelings around it.
nothing beats finding an artist on TikTok that i quickly become obsessed with and listen to all the time. Jaïr Faria is currently that artist for me. Their new single, Why I Called You has been on repeat since it came out a few days ago. Pop-rock/pop-punk vibes.
all the love, all the warmth, all the light,
need a lifeline? get mail from me each month, sliding scale options available.
i made a doc full of book recommendations for people who want to read more poetry but don’t know where to start!
don’t forget to complete your one click today to support aid efforts in Palestine
unfold: poetry + prose, is available on amazon, bookshop, indigo, b&n, or wherever you get books <3
you can still buy paper girl from amazon, barnes & noble, indigo, or your local indie.
i love you. and i see you. and i am so glad you're here.
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who i am: a writer, a lover, and a very Black + queer person. i love deeply, forget rarely, and spend most of my time cuddling with my dog, my cat, and my partner.
who i'm not: a therapist, mental health professional, or emergency service. i love hearing the stories of your experiences, but please don't send explicit or triggering details of your story without my prior consent.
if you're in crisis, please call 911 or use any of the following resources:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Crisis Text Line: Text HELP to 741741
S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends): 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288)
Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237
RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673
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