(references to SA in this one, but no descriptions)
When I was at my worst, there were a lot of different ways that I would hurt myself. Whether it was visible or not, my self-harming tendencies took over my life in ways that I’m still unearthing now. Over the years, I built a thick skin, but only because of all the scarring. I destroyed everything that made me soft, and as a result, I couldn’t feel anything if it wasn’t heavy enough to crush me.
I’ve written a lot of poetry (and prose) about Alex*. You’d think that, over ten years later, I would have no words left, but every few months, when I sit with my journal and my thoughts, all I want to write about is my body in his bed. The claw of his sheets. The softness in his face. The blade-like graze of his fingerprint.
I won’t get graphic. For your sake, reader, and mine, there is no healing in me recounting the details of my time spent with him. Not anymore. I’ve done it over and over and over again in poems that I can no longer read aloud. What I will say: He assaulted me, yes. I continued to see him for weeks afterwards, yes. At 18, I only knew how to love myself if I hurt myself first. Who wouldn’t care for an open wound? So, yes. Part of me believed that tenderness came only after damage.
When I met Alex, I had no plans to survive until 19. That is how little I cared for my life. I hoarded prescription pills in my desk drawer and drank myself dizzy at frat parties. Every journal entry sounded like a suicide note. Alex was not the first person I hooked up with during this time, but most of my one- (or two-, or three-) night-stands were, admittedly, fun. They treated me well, and I think of them fondly. And while it was a fun distraction, there was also an untold bonus: I always forgot to hate myself when my body was against someone else’s. It was easier to convince myself that I was wanted.
I knew Alex felt different than the rest, though, the first night he picked me up in his Charger. He touched me how I touched myself — violently, with apology. I wanted it because it was familiar. I wasn’t successful in taking my life, so I did the next best thing: I allowed someone to take my body. And because I knew I already survived myself, I knew I would survive him, too.
It is very complicated to grapple with the fact that, while he should not have done what he did to me, I continued to show up at his doorstep. Some days, I wanted to. Most days, though, I questioned my decision to drive to his house. But I have nothing but empathy for that version of me, or the things I would do to prove that I could still feel something.
I’ve recently realized that how I used to hurt myself is a direct reflection of the type of love I need the most. Now that I no longer self-harm, I understand how badly I need a gentle touch. And now that I no longer need to hurt myself to prove that I am worth healing, I give myself love even when there’s no pain, even when the pain makes me feel unlovable.
*i think u know this isn’t his real name, but just to be clear, this isn’t his real name
After the Reading by Tiana Clark
I WANT TO BE MORE THAN THIS by Jason LoCricchio
all the love, all the warmth, all the light,
icymi: i made a doc full of book recommendations for people who want to read more poetry but don’t know where to start!
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unfold: poetry + prose, is available on amazon, bookshop, indigo, b&n, or wherever you get books <3
you can still buy paper girl from amazon, barnes & noble, indigo, or your local indie.
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who i am: a writer, a lover, and a very Black + queer person. i love deeply, forget rarely, and spend most of my time cuddling with my dog, my cat, and my partner.
who i'm not: a therapist, mental health professional, or emergency service. i love hearing the stories of your experiences, but please don't send explicit or triggering details of your story without my prior consent.
if you're in crisis, please call 911 or use any of the following resources:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Crisis Text Line: Text HELP to 741741
S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends): 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288)
Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237
RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673
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