i’m not good but i’m better

I am still horrified by the inevitable passage of time, but not for the same reasons as before.

For more than half of my life, I wanted to die. In the past, when I approached the subject of my suicidality, I defaulted to poetic language with phrases like “I just want the pain to end,” or “I feel like I have no other option.” While those feelings may have been true, they are still platitudes.

To candidly say “I want to die” can feel harsh and violent, but it is the truth; I wanted to bring violence upon myself. To suggest anything else does me, and my recovery, a disservice.

Hear me when I say: There is no wrongdoing in diluting or poeticizing how one talks about their depression or suicidality, especially if admitting the desire to die feels just as dangerous than the act itself. That, too, can be a disservice to recovery. Intent also matters. If it doesn’t feel safe to say “I want to die” because of the fear of others’ reactions, that is an important consideration to make.

Back to my experience (because that’s what I feel most comfortable discussing)—giving myself permission to be forthright about these difficult feelings has also given me the freedom to be honest about their complexity. Wanting to die is not black and white. The matter of survival is always in flex for me. Working through the fear of saying the Hard Thing has helped me feel comfortable saying the Harder Thing: I wanted to die, and sometimes I still want to die, and most days I’m happy, but many days I don’t know if I really am.

Like every current and former Sad Poet on planet Earth, I have been listening to Phoebe Bridgers’ new album Lost Weekend. The internet is doing its internet thing of trying to decipher each lyric, and put them in context of all of her previous albums, relationships, and friendships. I am not immune to that temptation, having sent my friends long texts about potential through lines or theories.

That’s why I appreciated reading the transcript from an introduction Bridgers did on the radio during a listening of her album. When discussing “Kill Me,” she said, “I'm still figuring out what this song is about—and I say this all in all good fun—I don't really love when my lyrics are poured over as really literal.”

It made me consider the metaphor versus the literal, and how they both play a role in our understanding, not only of the music we listen to, but also in how we talk about our own lives. One of my favorite thing about Bridgers’ music is her ability to Say The Honest Thing Plainly, and everything in between is open to listeners’ interpretation.

One of the best examples of this, for me, is in in the song “I Can’t Wait,” where she says, “I’m not good but I’m better / missed my cue or whatever / it’s now or never.” “Missed my cue” and “it’s now or never” can be interpreted in many ways, depending on the listener. For me, as someone with a history of suicide attempts, “missed my cue” and “it’s now or never” feels like my personal anthem of survival—I missed my cue (to end my life). It’s now or never.

It’s what is said plainly—“I’m not good but I’m better”— that resonates for many of us, because she just Said The Thing. I’m not good but I’m better.

This is what I mean when I say I want to be honest and direct about these big feelings, rather that veiling them in poetics. It allows room for that nuance, that transformation, that sticky, uncertain, ever-developing feeling of yes, and.

When talking about this type of honesty, I also think about Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower (is anyone surprised there?). In the novel, the main character, Charlie, says, “I’m both happy and sad at the same time, and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

There is no room for interpretation here: The Thing was said. I am both happy and sad.

I’m not good but I’m better.

I wanted to die, and sometimes I still want to die, and most days I’m happy, but many days I don’t know if I really am.

Despite it all, this feels like an impossible conversation. There is so much nuance around this type of honesty, both with how the outside world perceives us and how we perceive ourselves when we Say The Thing We Mean, especially when That Thing is ever-changing.

I’ll say My Thing for you here: I don’t want to die anymore. I know this to be true. I’m still terrified of the passage of time—not because I don’t want to be alive to watch the time pass, but because I feel like I have to make up for all the time I lost while wanting to die.

I know that’s not fair to myself. But I know it is true. I want to be alive but some days, I don’t. This doesn’t mean I want to die, even on the days that it does. It doesn’t always make sense; it doesn’t always make sense for me, either.

I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I’m trying to figure out how that could be. I’m not good but I’m better.

But because I am a poet, and because sometimes I do want to say The Thing shrouded in that lyrical veil, I will say this here, too: Despite the warm summer nights, the forehead kisses, the boyband concerts, the long drives, the slow dances, the moon, the laughter, the love, the long runs, the itchy grass, the ocean, the poetry, the horizon, the sky, the joy, and everything, everything else I love, I am afraid that still being alive means that I am not allowed to admit that some days, death feels more comfortable to me than the body I inhabit. And yet, I am still here, learning how to make a home within myself.

if you’re a writer, and you want to be published or are looking for ways to dedicate more time to your craft, you’re likely submitting to presses/contests/lit mags/residencies, etc.

my biggest issue was figuring out where the hell people were finding all of these opportunities. there are a few places i pay to have these opportunities to me, and i find myself scrubbing the internet for hours to find other opportunities, but ultimately, i decided that the barrier to entry was way too fucking large.

not to mention, i have pretty nasty ADHD, and if i don’t have those submission deadlines right in front of me, i will forget.

so! i made a submission calendar that shows the deadlines for upcoming submissions. really type of sub opportunity you can think of, for all genres. it’s still a WIP, and i’m continuously adding opportunities as i find them, but i wanted to share this resource with my community because if there’s one thing i don’t do, it’s gate keep.

you can fill out this form to get the calendar (i am only asking people do this so i can track how many folks are using it, i promise i won’t send you extra emails or anything), and then copy the calendar to your Google calendar or iCal. if u have any questions lmk, and if you feel called to send me a lil tip, i wouldn’t say no:)

happy submitting!

i can’t write an entire fucking essay quoting phoebe bridgers and not say The Lost Weekend. i actually am not sure i will survive seeing her live in october. i will probably be crying in the arms of my three best friends (and they will likely be crying, too).

i don’t have a true ranking yet, but in no specific order, “The Outside,” “Kill Me,” “Lost Weekend,” “Still Standing,” and “I Can’t Wait” are my top five. it’s hard not to include “As Above” in there, too, but perhaps things will change by my 47th playthrough.

all the love, all the warmth, all the light,

• i made a doc full of book recommendations for people who want to read more poetry but don’t know where to start!

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who i am: a writer, a lover, and a very Black + queer person. i love deeply, forget rarely, and spend most of my time cuddling with my dog, my cat, and my partner.

who i'm not: a therapist, mental health professional, or emergency service. i love hearing the stories of your experiences, but please don't send explicit or triggering details of your story without my prior consent.

if you're in crisis, please call 911 or use any of the following resources:

• National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Crisis Text Line: Text HELP to 741741

• S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends): 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288)

• Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237

• RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673