What it's like going to a celebrity party

I have been to several celebrity parties — that is, parties hosted by celebrities — so if you want to know what they’re like, here’s the skinny (and generally, everyone is skinny).

You will get papped

All the flashguns will go off in your face and temporarily blind you. At Jonathan Ross’s Halloween party in 2008, a photographer asked another photographer, referring to me and my cult celebrity friend, “Who are they?”

“Dunno,” replied the other photographer. “Pap ’em anyway!”

And they did, which — in the case of my friend, who is now a Hollywood A-lister — turned out to be the right decision. (I, however, was at the height of my fame right then, and was still a nonentity.)

Everyone will be better looking than you

Better looking, more famous, more successful, wealthier, thinner, fitter, more muscly… basically, if you ever wanted to feel completely redundant and useless, celebrity parties are for you.

The only thing you will generally be ‘more’ is ‘more interested in others’, because the average celeb is very, erm, self-focused — to put it nicely.

No one will want to talk to you

Read more