Therapy notes:
- I am further saddened that because of depression I no longer have the ability to try to be the person I want to be.
- 4 years ago when I moved back to Taiwan and started seeing her, she had asked me when I said I genuinely do not like myself, “can you change these things?” Back then I confidently said yes; with time, with effort, sure. And that is no longer the case.
- My reach and my capability has been shrinking. The less I am the less I can reach. I need to be OK with being less and less of a person I used to be.
- It is easy with old friends, they know what I used to be. They know that the miserable lump that is my being (狼狽不堪的我) currently isn’t my best, and in fact is my worst. And it keeps getting worse. To new people, how do I even start to explain the state of me?
- My desire to be a better person than I can ever be is what makes and breaks me. And for a while, it has only been breaking me.
- In conclusion, she said, she has been looking at me fluctuating, it is not a Sisyphean situation (depression and I) despite it feeling that way.
- I shall try pushing this rock for a bit longer. She said to check in with her more frequently.
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>(Thanks!)Sure. ⏎