The end of a chapter
In less than two months, I will finally be heading back home for good! I am looking forward to being back home again, yet at the same time, my emotions are a mixed bag. Once again, as with my move here, there looms ahead of me a mist of uncertainty, and I can’t help but feel anxious when I think about all the unknowns that lie ahead.
How will I be?—going back to work and the daily grind after such a long time of unemployment. What will it be like there?—now that many of my colleagues have left and I will be working under a new supervisor. Will I be able to juggle work and all my other responsibilities at home well?
These questions and doubts cloud my mind, along with worries regarding the nitty-gritty details of settling back home and preparing for the move back. Ironically, I find myself wanting to cling to the familiarity of my current routine here in this foreign land—now that going home is an actuality, it has suddenly become rather daunting.
I truly hope that the journey ahead will be better than the one before because I really want things to look up for me. Even if experience has taught me that nothing ever really turns out the way I expect, I still want to hope for better things ahead:
To find true meaning and satisfaction in life and not fritter it away; to not be constantly overwhelmed and disorganised, struggling to start and complete tasks; to not have ADHD hang like a cloud over every area of my life, making it so—unfruitful.
I have an appointment with the psychiatrist at the start of the year. It will be the first one after the diagnosis that I received before I left, a year and a half ago. I don’t know what to make of it, and some part of me still wonders if I should go. Will medication or therapy be the answer to my challenges?
There is only one answer to this question and all my doubts before. 面对 (miandui): literally, to put your face towards something, to confront, to continue forward—running, walking, limping, it matters not. I often beat myself up for falling, but maybe I need to learn to embrace my snail’s pace.
So here’s to the new chapter ahead! 🐌