getting freaky
hello! i am alive.
i decided to get on here cuz it's been a while and to be honest. i haven't been engaging my feelings lmao. i drafted a post the other day and deleted it because somehow. there are some things that are scary to say out loud. typing it out is easier but publishing it felt like. saying it out loud.
tw: kinda depressing lol Expand( Read more... )
there have been a few things on my mind for a while. i'm kind of just always thinking about where my life's going, as an aromantic, autistic weirdo who tries their best but highly doubts they will ever be a big earner or have a partner to share the financial burdens lol. things only get more expensive. i'm lucky though. it's just i'm around people in their early 20s all the time so im always comparing lmao... every time i have a new colleague (i work with 95% women lmao) eventually i'll hear the word "boyfriend" and just be like god can i please meet someone who's a little queer at least. not me assuming people are straight. and cis lol. but it's not even that, i wish i could meet someone who's not dating and doesn't want to date. it's difficult knowing any friend i could ever make has to carve out time for me, but they have a person to return to at the end of the day that they don't need to make an appointment to hang out with. i have family for that of course. but i do want to move out someday if i can ever afford it lmao, it's sort of embarrassing to live with your parents at 26. i worry that when i get there though my mental health will plummet. i worry about later in life where i assume i'll eventually be looking after my parents, and following that, i'll have no purpose, while my siblings will have families of their own. i mean, people make their own purpose in life. if i ever retire i'll probably get a dog. lol.
i was having a little look at past posts and i can't believe im still lamenting about my friend who got her first boyfriend cuz the first time i mentioned it was in february lmao. it's genuinely just like. hurtful because we've been talking way less frequently since they got serious and she already lives 1.5 hours away. it's like what the hell is the point. she'll ask me to update her on what's been going on and i'll send her a voice note and then she doesnt respond for two or three days or whatever. by which point im over it. i keep feeling like just deleting it before she has the chance to listen but i know she'll see i've deleted it so im jsut like. whatever. i dunno. i don't believe she thinks ill of me at all, i just feel stupid sharing anything with her anymore. i've been trying to bypass the feeling and, it's both our birthdays over a couple months, coming up soon so i suggested we should do something and we figured out a date but, i don't know how i feel about it. i know life happens and, since i've known i was aro i always figured things would go this way eventually. i can't blame her for that. i just feel. i don't know. maybe i just feel sad.
anyway, life goes on. work is going, mainly positive. i've achieved a lot of new things in the past couple years. i'm still on a really long journey of figuring out what's possible and also sustainable for me, in life. i don't know if i can keep this up and yearn for a simple job sometimes. but i also know i'm on a temporary contract and i'll have to figure out my next steps pretty soon. not sure if i'll get far in my current field without doing a masters or something. not sure if i can afford to do a masters. not sure if i have the brain power for it. don't think i want to. not that committed to the field. jobs very limited. unlikely to find anything without needing to move or commute a Long way.
i just don't know!!!! but i guess i didn't know how i'd get out of the last hole i was in, and i did, so anything could happen.
i need to get freaky again. i've been wanting to do something fun. i miss working on my website. i miss drawing for fun. i miss my ocs. i got some new avenues to go down with those guys though so that's exciting. and, as freddie mercury once said, i want to ride my bicycle!!!! i forgot to mention before, i went out on my bike, all on my own, a couple weeks back. then i donated blood, then i got my period and was dying for a while, now i have a week off work and feel somewhat more alive. i'm gonna be busy most of the week but i wanna get out and ride my bike some more. it was so fun lol.
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