first post
Hello it's me... Yarrow from the internet... I'm finally getting around to starting this journaling thing cuz, I used to write a physical journal for a number of years as a teenager into young adulthood and I am kind of sad I didn't keep up with it. I'm now 26, have lost my physical journal and to be honest the the thought of me dying and my family being able to read it haunts me just a little bit. So this is like, more public but also more private.
The reason I decided to make my first post today is cuz like, I'm just. Ok so being aroace is an isolating experience and, I'm also autistic which I know for a fact even though I have to wait a billion years for a diagnosis through the NHS and I'm nervous they're not gonna diagnose me cuz idk. I mask or whatever. But anyway I just have all of these reasons why it's hard for me to form connections with people and I find it exhausting, also, or too anxiety inducing to do much in life... Anyway I've had a friend since I was like 4 and she is now dating someone seriously for the first time and, it's great for her and she deserves it. It's just that this stuff always makes me feel, I dunno, like I've been downgraded. Even though she's not the type of person to forget all her friends the second she gets a boyfriend. The fact is she HAS a lot of friends and I do not. Lol.
My greatest friend in the world lives in America and I have my family and that's really it. And it's not a case of not getting along with people like, I get along with people fine. I learned how to act like a normalish human being and I'm kind, albeit standoffish most of the time. I have great friends and great family so it feels bad to... Feel bad about it, if that makes sense. It's just that everyone has a number one and it's never me and it's never going to be. I mean unless I meet someone who would wanna be in a QPR with me lol or just be forever housemates. Right now there's nobody. I don't even know anyone aromantic or asexual in person.
Like I'm fine and this feeling just hits me every now and then and I don't think I even want, what other people have, I don't want kids, I don't want anything romantic, I get tired of being around people very quickly. I guess I just lol. It's just isolating sometimes and not something I can talk to my friend about. She talked about being afraid of becoming a spinster, I'm like, ow. I'm right here. Amatonormativity is alive and kicking lmao. It was just a thoughtless comment but it reminds me how pervasive this outlook is. In everyone else's eyes I've failed to achieve something. Not just something but a lot of things. Kids, career, partner. Social life. I still live with my parents. It's, enough for me but I just get down about it every now and then. Every time someone gets pregnant or gets in a relationship or whatever. I guess that's pretty universal though, feeling left behind or like you're always catching up or haven't reached a milestone yet. It's just I'm never gonna reach a lot of those milestones. Which is punk as hell of me to keep on doing my thing anyway. It's just lonely sometimes lmao
Current Mood: lonely Current Music: PUNK TACTICS by Joey Valence & Brae