consumption & self-image
tw: body image, eating disorder, self-esteem, addiction
it’s never enough. food has never been a healthy pastime for me, and i hate it as much as it hates me. throughout the years i constantly yearn for a healthy body, but my brain craves, and it continuously craves. the bottomless pit.
being a twelve year old child, bullied for their weight and appearance not just by peers but also their own parents, not great. kids would say i’m chubby and fat, which even if i wasn’t even realistically that heavy, did damage to me permanently. even now i’m 6’0 and 220lbs which isn’t the worst but i am super insecure involving my stomach weight. wearing high-waisted pants and tight belts as a way to cover that up, but ironically wearing those help my gender dysphoria as it helps my torso to leg ratio.
the ever-present feeling to feel pretty, another bottomless pit. it’s so intertwined with the former mention of weight that it’s borderline inseparable. other people can be pretty and chubby but i can’t. i need, practically thirst to be thinner. i can’t even make myself throw up, i have never been able to do that my entire life, god forbid i swallow something poisonous. i admire those who are not self-conscious, for ignorance is bliss. i also envy those who can look so pretty with such low effort.
at some point freshman year i basically just, stopped eating i got so thin, and despite me not wanting to, the craving to return is still there. the desire to just, have control, both physically and mentally latches itself onto food. food was my main way of control, everything else took me by the wrist and swung me dizzy. i could say that everything was terrible but at least i could say “i have this, with this i am in control” it’s ironic because in reality my mental illness has farm more control than i ever have.
however food isn’t the only thing i’ve grown an unhealthy consumption upon. content. youtube, tiktok, instagram, all endless, and hopeless. i could stop paying for youtube premium, and i definitely should. it’s hard. to be fair i don't pay for any other streaming service, and that’s how i justify it. i will stay glued until my attention is shifted elsewhere. me simply starting this blog to vent out my emotions was a huge step. i have tried this before but i was always getting pulled away by the larger web, thus getting entangled.
enshitification doesn’t help. i feel so overwhelmed with a.i. being trained in every day to day app that i use, that it becomes a chore to navigate around it. i managed to uninstall tiktok and deprive myself of what is essentially useless. i like many others would become trapped, bound to the toilet, unable to even THINK about getting up because i would be caught in the endless doomscroll. thank god that app is out of my life. i almost got rid of instagram but i like posting irl updates there and keeping up with bands i like.
i’m getting “happy” with each small step, learning to appreciate myself. i try to enjoy my food more, focusing on the fact that i don’t need to be perfect, and i step away from the computer sometimes to breathe. it’ll be okay.
