hey. u found my blog. or i sent it to you. i had grand ideas for this place once - and as with most of my grand ideas, i only ever implemented a fraction ...
there's a kind of emotional work required in friendships that just kicks the shit out of me sometimes, and i fear this maybe makes me a bad person. its the showing up, when things get awkward and difficult. you fucked up, and now you have to accept that. the apologising is easy - at the end of the day, that's just words. we do that all the time. 'sorry' is so involuntary that most of us say it as…
you make a million decisions in the course of your life, and you'll forget most of them. as i set out to write this, at 4am, it feels very important. that's why i've made the decision to write it. it feels important because it is 4am, because i am a dramatic and idealisitic poet at heart, and because i've been reading a fantasy book about gods and faith and the end of the world, so everything…
there was something you said a couple weeks ago, about always feeling calmer on the days after we hang out. i went looking for the messages, but i cant remember your exact wording. i've been thinking about it since then though. there's a set of traits that i try to emulate, common in the people i love; their dynamism, the wittiness, the fast-paced non-stop conversational panache. it doesnt come…
Construct the world that you find most comfortable to live in, out of paper and glitter and glue, a little smattering of truth to hold it all together. Then hold it up, turn it towards the audience, present it as if it is immutable fact. Believe in it. Believe so hard that you convince them as well. You may then live in the world you have created, this paper-mache fascimile, as if it is the real…
i feel as though i am constantly begging for everyone's time, and i really dont like any part or consequence of that feeling - - - "no, i can't ask them if they wanna hang out, i haven't earnt that yet" is a fucked up thought to have on the bus at 7:49pm about someone you met last weekend - - - the idea of a night to yourself being a luxury rather than a mild torment at best - - - yesterday i…
i wish i could be brave enough to die. or else stop feeling like its the only way out of this. living in between these two states for so long is a unique and awful kind of hell. im so tired.
tonight is about writing just for the sake of writing. sorry about my last post, by the way. i was going through it and felt like i had to get that out. anyway. - - - - - - i am, somewhat perpetually, working on a game right now. it doesnt have a name yet, but its about necromancy. you, the player, are a necromancer. we don't know why. you don't know why. the premise is fairly simple. you have the…
i think i have accomplished what i set out to do. what else is there, really? aren't you satisfied with what you've done? thats always been your problem. always wanting more. always wanting to be important. never appreciating what you have. you are beautiful, my darling. handmade, painstakingly designed, your every sharp edge and mirrored facet exactly where its meant to be. you were carved to be…
all week i've felt kinda wrong trying to hold something in exhausted without really recognising it, hoping that if i dont, nobody else will either trying to show up when people need it friends, work, housemates i dont know if they needed it. but i hate the idea of not being there, if they did better to play it safe all week i havent been able to cry, feeling like i need to, not sure exactly what…
"can we call?" i'm trusting you "lemme know when u get here, if u wanna!" i'm trusting you with a piece of me "what if i asked if u wanna... get a beverage and wander around somewhere" i'm trusting you with a piece of me, cradled in my hands "do u wanna chill together for a bit? on call or smth, if you're free?" i'm trusting you with a piece of me, cradled in my hands like a gift or a shared toy…