Is he passionate or controlling?

Hi Friends,

It took me so long o recognize what a controlling relationship looks like. I was 28 and new to the dating market when I had my first-ever breakup. I was still romanticizing, well, romance. I swooned over chivalry and thought it was sweet when men “took control".

Don’t get me wrong, those things can still be romantic. But as I learned what my own personality was, what my own needs and wants were, I began to notice a man’s reaction when I rebuffed his advances or wasn’t screaming with excitement when he opened the door. In short, I learned that the bar was on the floor and that I didn’t need to celebrate when a man tripped over it.

For a long time, I was afraid to react when I felt controlled or bullied in a relationship. Dating a guy who is too controlling can be dangerous and make you feel like you're unable to make your own choices in the relationship. But we’re two adults, so let’s act like it! If you want to know when to get out, here are five red flags to watch out for.

Share 🚩 Red Flags 🚩

1. He's jealous and possessive. You’re not “allowed” to have guy friends. You can’t be alone with male coworkers. Your male cousin smiled at you and now your boyfriend is in a bad mood. RUN.

2. He tries to isolate you. He throws a fit when you want to spend time with family or friends. Suddenly when it’s time for you to go to your work happy hour, he needs you at home. If you feel like your partner wants you to be their only friend and they are yours, it may be time to get out.

3. He's always checking up on you. I’m reminded of a scene from Get On Up where James Brown (played by Chadwick Boseman) has been calling his wife (played by Jill Scott) constantly. She says she didn’t answer because she was taking a bath, so he rips the phone off the kitchen wall and throws it in the bathroom so she’ll never miss a call from him again. In this scene, we don’t even hear why he was calling. That’s not important. He was monitoring her and she missed a check-in. Here, there’s no trust in the relationship.

4. He doesn't respect your boundaries. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Boundaries are the line in which I can love you and me at the same time. I once dated a man who insisted on PDA. He wanted to kiss and hug me all the time. I love a good snuggle, but I got the impression this wasn’t for my benefit. He was showing me off. I felt like a piece of property, so I said so. I politely asked him to not touch me in that way without permission. Did it end? No. He continued, and his excuse was that he should be able to grab my face and kiss me whenever and however he wanted. Guess how long that relationship lasted?

5. He's not willing to compromise. It’s his way or the highway. Now, I get it. I’m 35 and stuck in my ways, too. I know what I want, and I DO what I want. But that doesn’t mean I’m not considerate of the needs of those I care about. If his rules for the relationship are so rigid that you can’t be yourself, it simply means you’re not a great match, and that’s ok. If it’s going to be miserable and exhausting, you can do that on your own.