Just let me talk to a human

Humans are obsessed with finding lost treasures. Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, Pirates of the Caribbean, and other endless fabulous legends are filled with the quest for treasures like the Ark of the Covenant. Treasures have turned perfectly sane people into gold-chasing, prophecy-decoding, heatstroke-prone explorers who firmly believe that this cave, this ruin, this random hole next to a goat will finally answer their prayers. Many have lost their lives in its pursuit, some to harsh terrain, some to bad luck, and some, I suspect, to the sheer embarrassment of admitting they followed a clue that turned out to be a water stain. And yet, the Ark remains missing, not even a cameo appearance, not even a rumour that feels remotely trustworthy. Ethiopia claims it has it but won’t show it. Jerusalem insists it was hidden long ago but won’t say where. But that’s the thing about any such treasure. It is never about the end goal but the high people get from solving clues and being a part of the crazy journey. A lot of people think treasure hunting is archaic, that there are no treasures to uncover anymore.

All’s not lost, yet. Modern day companies are ensuring the romance around finding treasures is still intact. That’s why they’ve created the perfect maze of riddles. Riddles which keep you busy finding the answer to all your worries – the humans behind customer support!

With the developments in technology, human touch has been depleting faster than the number of people who reply to messages on time. Buying products is easier, faster, better, everything at your fingertips, but God forbid you have an issue with your order, finding the option to talk to a human to whom you can convey the problem is almost impossible. It’s a task in itself, which demands a dedicated team of tech-savvy individuals possessing the patience of a wildlife photographer.

If you think treasures and g-spots are hard to find, I dare you to find the ‘talk to a human’ option in a sea of automated chatbots. And the worst part is, these chatbots are not smart at all (sincere apologies to all automation Gods). They will only answer with the same three answers they’ve been fed. If it is anything else, they’ll just ask you to ask again. Cancel the chat out of frustration and they have the audacity to ask for a rating too!

This reminds me of the scene from Malamal Weekly where Paresh Rawal’s character goes to a lady to take a population survey. He begins by asking whether she is married, which she denies. Rawal’s idea of the best follow-up question is to ask her how many kids she has.

If I still have a few hairs left on my head after navigating the terrible interface of government websites, these automated chatbots will force me to pull out the remaining ones.

Only after I have pressed 1, 3, 6, 4, 3, 5, 2 on my keypad, waited for 4 hours on hold, spent all my good karma, and threatened to sacrifice my firstborn, I am finally told that “All customer service agents are busy at the moment, please try again later.” Not only did I waste my entire day, I am now childless, frustrated and actively waiting to shout at someone. Any human compelled to talk to me after that will only be subjected to my wrath and nothing else. Just one question, why?

Why must we hide genuine grievance redressal behind a labyrinth of chatbots and automated messages? What’s the point of having a business phone number if all you’re going to do is not only discourage people from calling but also send them back to the godforsaken website from where they came? Seriously, go check this out.

But now that I’ve done this so many times, I’m an expert at it. I know that when I call a helpline number and AI is talking back to me, I mustn’t get impatient. That sweet, robotic voice will eventually say, “for other queries, press 9”. She will say that again and again and again - as I peel off every layer of their dead-end wall - till I finally hear the phone ring and a human picks it up. It’s almost expected that the human would have a self-righteous voice, always with the same script: “Hello welcome to Myntra my name is Mahesh how may I help you,” all said in one breath. And the thing is, talking to Mahesh and getting my issue sorted is the most satisfying thing in the world. If only this kind of customer satisfaction could have been achieved sooner.

A few months back, I had to return a package I got from Amazon because it was defective. I placed a return order but no one came to pick it up even after two days. So I went back to the app to talk to an agent because I had already tried all the static options available on the app. Little did I know that I would have to go through a web of circular user flows ending with me hitting my head against the wall.

I get it Abhimanyu, I get how you felt when you went inside the Chakravyuh knowing clearly you wouldn’t be able to come out. You did it for Dharma, I do it for the guilt I have when I eat too much sugar and go on an online shopping spree, or when I don’t look at the flight details because I’m just so excited to go to Goa. Same same but different, no?

My Amazon return issue did get resolved after another 5 days, but by that time, I had entirely lost my trust in the brand.

I think Indians in general cannot trust machines. Biswa has this stand-up bit where he says that even our address directions need to be manual. For Indian people, you can never have precise Google locations. It’s the same with any other service, be it Uber or Zomato. We always have very random but also very specific issues, which honestly, technology simply cannot comprehend.

How do you explain, “I ordered Maggi at 2am but now my mother has woken up so I want the delivery guy to come to the back door, don’t ring the bell, and put the order in a basket I will lower from my window, and also have cash balance for Rs 123”? The thing is, it’s not always a customer issue either. I booked a flight, but it turns out the day I booked it for, was the day my airport was closing, and I simply couldn’t reschedule the flight from my website or app. What does a customer do when the Uber driver says, “It’s too rainy, give me double the money or I won’t come”?

Forget Uber. If I ever have to connect with a bank agent on the phone next time, kill me. Even if I have my account number, Aadhar number, OTP, and IFSC code ready, they will still ask me 5 other questions like my PAN number, my dog’s birthday and the colour of my socks. The problem is not with them asking me all those details to verify I’m the right person, the thing is after all that extensive verification, they’ll transfer my call to another person only to continue with this ordeal. This is how an issue that could take 5 minutes to solve is stretched into multi-day sagas across multiple calls. At first they deny they can even help you, it’s policy, they say. Upon insistence, they finally check their own website, whose functionalities they should know anyway, realise that you are in fact right, and reluctantly help you. Obviously they ask for a rating later.

And in case I forgot: Your call will be recorded for quality and training purposes. Where is the training? I don’t see these call receivers getting any smarter.

Either these chatbots get wise enough to understand my problem and solve it like a human does, or they drop out of the scene and let the humans do it. Why do we get to be the guinea pigs who train these chatbots? What’s the hidden agenda here? Are you going to sell me hair rejuvenation serum after every interaction with these chatbots? Or are you just there to give me fake apologies?

It’s true though, sometimes, we are that dumb. Sometimes, we phone a company, listen to their automated message and actually solve the problem with it. Sometimes, these chatbots are better than a poor human on the other end having to explain to me the same thing they just told 6 people before me. However, sometimes I’m so upset about a problem, I just need a human to tell me it’ll be okay. Yes, I have therapeutic expectations from a random customer service agent. Yes, I’m broken that way. You know you are too.

You, me or the company being dumb is not the problem. The real problem is intentionally preventing me from having efficient human interaction. I come from a generation where I need to talk to a human before I buy a service, just so I can be assured. We don’t even do big purchases without our laptop or computer. So until and unless AI can understand my psyche, my pain and my issue all together, JUST let me talk to a human!

This marks my fourth collaboration with Shambhavi ♥‿♥ and I guess we are in a long distance writership now. (That’s a new word, don’t bother looking it up) She comes up with topics, rather complaints and then we turn that into an article which looks like you spoke up in front of self help group. Except that the group only had you two and the twisted sense of humor you both possess. Every time we team up, it feels strangely natural and I’m not arguing. She is great at what she does and even after so many praises you still haven’t read her work, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Fix that immediately—you deserve good things.

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