On Spring Emergence

Dear penpal,

Hello. It’s been a while. I hope this message finds you in a meadow (even if just in your mind), with a snack, or nestled somewhere you love.

I’ve thought about how to write this letter to you for quite a while. Toni Morrison once said: “There’s a line between revision and fretting, just working it to death. It is important to know when you are fretting it; when you are fretting it because it is not working, it needs to be scrapped.” Friends, I’ve been fretting. Trying to find the perfect way to explain my long absence to you. But perfection is only an invitation to paralysis, and that’s where I’ve been: frozen. Stuck by the fear of just being real with you on what’s been up. So we’re gonna keep it real.

“Annika, where have you been?”

Well.

1. One of my best friends and I fell in love. It didn’t go well. I spent one year being traumatized in the relationship. And after the breakup, another year processing that trauma.

2. I broke up with friends I thought I was going to grow old with. A deep pain we don’t talk about enough - friendship breakups. All the books you’ll find on ending relationships, and not a single one on what it means to heal from the loss of friends.

3. It’s a rough ass time for artists to reach financial stability. I don’t know an artist friend that isn’t struggling in some way right now. Especially in the political climate we’re in, where funds for trans, queer, Black and POC, or radical creative work at large has been cut apart, if not erased all together. I’ve been navigating a lot of scarcity and disenchantment in this era.

Which is all to say, it’s been a hard couple of years of fog and depression, grief and ghosts. This all occurred, of course, during my Saturn Return, a time where anything that won’t serve you in the next era of life falls away (whether you want it to or not).

I’ve thought a lot about storms in the past months. How lighting cracks the earth apart, and where we may see only destruction, nutrients are actually created to support the larger ecosystem. In the clearing, there is so much good waiting. For the first time in a long time, I believe that good is there. And I want to walk towards it.

I’ve missed you. I’ve missed writing. Somewhere along the way of all these griefs, creating didn’t feel safe anymore. It turned into a task of proving. Make this to prove I’m an artist, that I’m good, that I have a voice, that I remember how to do this. Instead of just…letting my creation exist. To let it be bad! Be silly! For no one but myself! I’m slowly rebuilding my relationship to my creativity ~ in taking dance classes, and drawing silly little comics, in learning how to make songs, with no goal but to play and meander in the orchards of what lights my heart up.

We’ve now entered Spring, which I believe is the true start to the year. It’s the time for emergence, for tending to our plots so good things can grow. I hope this Spring is kind to you. I hope it holds you in the way you want to be held. I hope you have a good piece of fruit. I hope you make something silly to delight no one but yourself. I’m excited to enter a new era of this newsletter to be a postcard to what’s igniting curiosity and awe in the day to day (because there’s so much of it waiting, when we slow down and listen for it).

Thank you, endlessly, for being here. Thank you for meandering alongside me.

with many young leaves,
Annika

🌿 Field Note

Something that recently sparked my curiosity

I recently returned to NYC after two months of living in Panama City. There was so much gorgeous art while I was there, but one particular exhibit I loved was other mountains, those that wander loose underwater, by Nadia Huggins and Tessa Mars, held at Panama Museum of Contemporary Art.

I was so enamoured by Huggins work exploration of the mountains of Abya Yala territories, areas where “…Indigenous and Afro-descendant communities have sought to transcend the binary perspective imposed by the colonial enterprise.” It was moving to consider mountains a terrain for imagining new horizons, new worlds beyond the imagination of settler colonialism.

💿 What I’m Listening To

A playlist for you, for soft morings

Are you in nyc, QTBIPOC, 26+, and looking for new friends?

In the energy of Spring and vulnerability, I’d love to make new qtbipoc friends and creative community! I’m going to start hosting small gatherings in my space. Think creative coworking, cozy puzzle nights, writing poems in the park, and more. If you’re down to clown, fill out this interest form!