What's Happening

Yes friends, I’m here. I apologize for being incommunicado these last few weeks and I honestly can’t really explain it except to say that I’ve been stymied every time I’ve tried to write. It’s not the usual writers’ block stymied either; this type feels dizzying and panic-based. Like, fluttering in my chest panic. Scattered and scary panic.

I’ve wondered if it’s procrastination, guilt, anxiety, or worry — worry about my protein intake, my supplements, my sleep score, my daily movement, keeping my house clean, keeping myself clean, remembering to get everything done when the opposite is just so much more attractive.

It’s been a good summer, but August made me very unsettled in a way I was not expecting. Not sad, not depressed (Well, maybe? Unclear.), not exhausted but completely overwhelmed too. I realized that Substack was part of the problem. As a writer who hopes to get their Substack novel published the “traditional” way eventually, I’ve subscribed to a ton of “writers on writing” “editors on editing” “agents on agenting” “publishers on publishing” Substacks and the noise of it all has increased my anxiety and perfectionism. I think it’s all been toxic to me. I no longer want to open my inbox to simply read all of the posts about how I’m doing it all WRONG. Mostly, I find it frustrating that this content is trying to teach people how to write and craft stories when that should already be a given. Shouldn’t it? I know I know how to write. I know I know how to tell a story. I just don’t know how to find an agent in a way that feels in line with how I’ve written The Spring.

Sure, the querying process, etc, but the whole machine is so antiquated and from what I’ve heard mostly useless. Ergo, why spend time spinning my wheels for something that will likely be a net zero? Not to mention a total heartache? As a famous pop star recently said, my energy is expensive, so I need to use it wisely. My book is right here on a public platform; why do I need to package it into a PDF, email it around, beg to be noticed, when anyone can find it pretty easily? I have proof of concept. I have consistency. Okay, maybe not lately, but the story is there with a whole plot, characters, emotion, development, even some surprises. Does it need editing? Yes. Does that mean it’s crap? No. The output I need to do to adhere to old industry standards just doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe this means I won’t ever get published in that “traditional” way mentioned above, but it doesn’t mean it won’t either. I’d like that to happen though — I’ve had so many of my best reader friends confirm something I’ve known for a long time too: reading online isn’t for everyone.

I also think it isn’t for Substack. The platform has made it clear that its focus is on non-fiction accounts, preferably written by well-established writers with already extensive platforms. Why? Because Substack is subscription-based and if these people bring in a ton of subscribers then the site gets a cut. It’s just capitalism behind the scrim of a writing site. Substack does not celebrate fiction the way it does these kinds of accounts. In fact, the “fiction” category is mostly the type of advice columns I’ve listed above, which defeats the purpose. How to do the craft needs to be separate from the craft itself. Is this why the agents on Substack are as confused as the writers? In a perfect world it would be trying to connect the craftspeople with those that can mentor or help them in a practical way instead of just posting about how their query letters use the wrong type of greeting. I’m not sure what the disconnect is, but it’s glaring.

How do we grow our audiences if the platform won’t help us out, especially when growth and exposure was promised when we started our Substack account? I was very lucky to get an early review in The Bold Italic which really helped me, as well as a kind Substack recommendation from one of my favorite writers, but otherwise? My subscriptions have been slow and paid subscriptions even slower. The site takes a cut of my meager paid subscriptions and gives barely anything in return. I’ve said it before: if Substack is meant to disrupt the publishing world, when does the disruption actually begin? If agents want new talent maybe they need to go out and find it instead of waiting for it to land in their inbox, no? Maybe having processes that are so locked into emailed PDFs and QueryManager are doing them a disservice when new voices are just a few clicks away. You do have to click though. If only Substack made it even easier for them to find us.

It all just feels so futile and silly.

Yes, I’ve been feeling this way all along, but I think it finally caught up with me. I’ve gone ahead and unsubscribed from all these said “advice” accounts because…well, most of it is pretty boring and repetitive, but it’s actually not helpful in the end. None of it has inspired me to start querying officially; none of it has made me a better writer. It’s just giving me a rising level of dread that’s finally caught up with me, and THAT is what has affected my writing.

As I approach these final scenes of The Spring I’ve just been in such a state of overwhelm about it and I think a lot of it comes from this notion that it won’t be anything more than something I wrote online unless I toe the line of standard publishing. So yes, I’m aware that wanting my book published “traditionally” without taking the traditional avenues smacks of arrogance, but I wanted to try. I wanted to do it differently; not more easily, but not harder either. I also think some of the overwhelm comes from not wanting to give it up. I’ve really enjoyed writing this story and the characters in it and I will hate to end it. That said, thoughts of a sequel are brewing, but I’m not sure if that will happen now or later.

This isn’t to excuse myself but mostly to explain my state of mind right now. I really appreciate everyone’s patience with me while I try to navigate all of it — I really appreciate all of you! Stay tuned for the final chapters of The Spring.