Why Women Find It Easier to Protect Others than Themselves

This piece mentions sexual assault.

Recently, I watched a Netflix documentary, The Predator of Seville, about a travel agency owner in Spain who drugged and raped American women. He encouraged young women studying abroad to use his agency because it was “safe” and led them to believe their universities had a relationship with it. In the evenings, he often told the women not to go out in the country where they were visiting because it wasn’t safe. Then he invited them to a party and gave them excessive amounts of alcohol laced with drugs. They became sick and disoriented. The next day, they remembered very little—only flashes, along with clear physical evidence of what had been done to them. Many never went to the police. They were in a foreign country, unfamiliar with the legal system, reliant on guides, and eager to move on. They did not want to believe something so terrible had actually happened to them.

He had found his ideal victims: women who were afraid, disoriented, and inclined to blame themselves.

One woman, Gabrielle Vega, returned home deeply depressed. She finally told her family what had happened, and they asked if she wanted to press charges. She didn’t. She just wanted to move on. But when she learned that another woman had been hurt by this man, she changed her mind. She reached out to his other victims and helped build a case that led to his trial and eventual conviction in Spain.

In other words, she became motivated by her compassion for other women—not by self-compassion. There’s a pattern here. Many women struggle to extend compassion to themselves but will fight fiercely for others.

Self-compassion is one area where significant gender differences have been found[i]. Men tend to be more self-compassionate than women. Why is that? Researchers have found that women tend to be more critical of themselves and engage in more negative self-talk. In other words, when they find themselves in difficult or challenging situations, they are more likely to blame themselves.

That was the case for the women who were raped by this tour guide. Many were in their late teens and early twenties and saw themselves as capable adults. They selected a tour group that emphasized safety. Many had done research on the company, read reviews, and asked friends about it. Little did they know how unsafe it would be. And they often blamed themselves for the rape.

This is a common pattern—women having less self-compassion for themselves than for others, then stepping in to protect others when the same harm occurs. I’ve read many accounts of women who acted only when others were at risk. Young girls who have been molested by a family member speak up only when a younger sibling is in danger. Women in abusive relationships endure years of harm but leave when their children are threatened.

What is it about being female that leads us to tolerate harm—and then blame ourselves for it?

Part of the answer may be what we’ve been taught. Society often places responsibility for harm on women: “Why were you out so late? Why did you go back to his apartment? Why did you drink so much? You should have known better.”

Over time, these messages become internalized. We take responsibility for the actions of those who harm us—believing the world is fair and that we must have done something to deserve it.

Self-compassion, however, is something that can be learned. It starts with asking different questions:

• Could I realistically have seen this coming?

• What was happening at the time that I couldn’t see clearly?

• What did I believe then?

• If this had happened to a friend, what would I say to her?

Only when we learn to be more self-compassionate can we demand the kind of world we want to live in.

Anne E. Beall is the author of the book, The Compassionate Writer: Find Your Voice, Enhance Your Story, and Touch Lives.

[i] Yarnell, L. M., Stafford, R. E., Neff, K. D., Reilly, E. D., Knox, M. C., & Mullarkey, M. (2015). Meta-analysis of gender differences in self-compassion. Self and Identity, 14(5), 499–520. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2015.1029966