WINTER

January in Sweden is a hellish month. You wake up from the Christmas hangover, realizing you’re at the gates of Mordor with months of darkness and cold ahead. You have to make fires and stay close to the familiar and the good.

I cling to my routines, they are more important than ever. I set out early, stretch my stiff bones and drink pitch black coffee to sharpen my senses. My son asks me if it’s nighttime, I tell him we have to put on battle gear and fly our spaceship to daycare. I kiss him goodbye and leave him with a smile.

I spend a productive day at my work space making extraordinary plans for the future. I chase away harsh grey skies with candlelight thinking, this winter is not gonna get me.

Then a devils whisper…

In the evening when my defences are down…when I’m tired and worn after work, laundry, cooking and bedtime stores….I give in.

I dive deep into the cesspool of various streaming platforms. I never watch anything in full, I zap-and I snack. Sometimes I bring snacks to bed, bring my phone and my Ipad to bed, I unleash hell by opening my emails in bed. Finally I fall asleep on breadcrumbs and cables, a hard dreamless sleep.

The winter gets to me. I snooze in the morning and wake up too late with stiff bones. I throw together some kind of breakfast, I eat while doing the dishes. My son wants to play but the spaceship is broken. I drop him off at daycare in a sea of tears. I get to my space without having showered, breadcrumbs still stuck to my eyelashes. I feel anxious about an unpredictable future and pray for a good song to write itself.

Dicipline is freedom.

Dicipline is so hard

Today is a messy day but I’m turning the page. Tomorrow I’ll be back on the bright side, one day closer to spring.