Reading · Letters from the Edgelands

It’s the summer solstice, and I have a deadline for a short story submission that I need to work on. I adore the sexy and surprising antics of the main character, and it’s a pleasure to spend my weekend writing with her. Also, I have rotten hay fever, so an indoor pastime is way preferable to being – sniff, sniff, snuffle, sneeze! – outside.

So, instead of telling you more about my living experiment of desire, here’s an invitation to find out more about YOURS…

Our sexual selves are not a static thing.

Mine is dynamic, discerning, sometimes frustrated, sometimes sad, sometimes euphoric. Sometimes just plain horny. Sometimes silent.

Menopause, hysterectomy, exploring the labels given to me by society and by myself, and simply having to be a grown-up in a difficult world all impact what I need and want, and how able I am to express those wants and needs, and try to get them met.

But how can we ever know what we need and want unless we have an open line of communication with this part of us?

How can you have a conversation with your sexual self?

I had a wonderful conversation about giving words to our wants with Gabriella Espinosa, who hosts the Pleasure in the Pause Podcast.

We talked about how writing can let you go anywhere, want anything, and explore any fantasy or desire without judgment or pressure.

I shared some of my top tips for getting started, whether that’s writing in your journal or writing stories.

We also talked about how it feels to do this in midlife (and why that’s important).

You can find out more and listen to the conversation here.

Here’s what Gabriella said after we’d recorded the podcast:

“Perhaps the most important insight from our conversation was Anna's emphasis on expansion versus contraction. So often when we feel uncertain about our sexuality, we contract – we tighten up, shut down, try to control everything.

But pleasure thrives in expansion. When we can breathe, exhale, soften, and allow ourselves to be curious rather than controlling, that's when magic happens.”

If that sounds a bit complicated or woo-woo, I recorded a guided meditation to help.

It’s had over 10k hits on YouTube, and you can listen to it here.

Here’s what happened one time I did this meditation:

Books, books, wonderful books!

Reading erotica can help open up conversations with your sexual self.

I recommend (and have stories in):

Take It Outside (queer and trans desire), edited by Cash Torn and Orlando Silver
Best Women’s Erotica of the Year, Volume 10, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel
The Big Book of Quickies, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Or how about reading about other people’s experiences and perspectives as a way of exploring your own?

Sex Meets Life, edited by Anna Sansom
Desire Lines, by Anna Sansom

Full transparency here: I’m recommending my own books because I would love you to buy them. I write for free here on Substack (although welcome paid subscriptions from those able to support me that way), but for the price of a couple of cups of fancy coffee, you can hold a real-life paperback in your hands (or read as an eBook if you prefer). Pretty good deal, huh?

Because sometimes you just have to let your body do the talking.

I’m a big fan of being your own lover and cultivating, what the late, great Betty Dodson called, a “love affair that lasts a lifetime.”

Here’s a masturbation-themed post that readers previously enjoyed…

Thanks for reading this far

Let me know how your conversations go.

What does your sexual self want to say?

Comments