I’m seeing someone new.
It’s a casual arrangement. I go to her house every other month, she invites me to strip, and then I just lie back and take it.
Her touches are slow and intentional.
There’s always plenty of lubrication.
And at the end, she gently strokes my forehead.
She’s ever so attentive and wants to make sure I’m having a good time.
She frequently pauses to check that what she’s doing feels good for me.
She asks me, “What do you need now?”
And carefully listens to my response.
It’s a surprisingly powerful question, and one that’s not always easy to answer.
Maybe I don’t know what I need.
Maybe I do know, but I don’t feel confident enough to ask for it.
Maybe I know, and I can ask, but then I have a hard time actually allowing myself to receive…
**
In Desire Lines (my more-than-a-memoir), there’s a scene where Lilith (an archetype: she who walks her own paths in life) meets a daemon for the first time.
It’s an erotically charged meeting, especially when the daemon says, “Tell me what you want.”
Lilith had never been asked this before. Of course, she’d offered suggestions to Adam, but they had been mostly one-word requests: faster, softer, there, oh, yes, there!
“Don’t be shy,” the daemon encouraged, “just start with what you’d most like, right now. Feel into your body and speak the words to me.”
Lilith knew exactly what she wanted in that moment. She wanted soft kisses that built in passion. She wanted fingers stroking the sensitive place where her thighs met. She wanted her slickness drawn out of her, her aching need met with fervour, and her emptiness filled.
She told the daemon all of these things in a breathless whisper, her body beginning to pulse and rock of its own accord.
Each confession was received with an appreciative moan.
When Lilith finished speaking, they were both entranced: the heat from their bodies like a fire lit between them, their lips wet and eyes sparkling.
The daemon’s mouth sought out Lilith’s, and they had their first taste of each other. Of all the delicious fruits that Lilith had sampled in her paradise home, none tasted as heavenly as her new lover’s lips and tongue. She drank it in, savouring the sweetness, and swallowing their combined flavour into her being.
**
Today, when I was asked, “What do you need now?” I took a deep breath and felt a rush of emotion when I realised that I felt safe to give my answer: “I need to move my hips and bend my knees.” Then I added, “Thank you for asking. It’s not always easy to say.”
“I always want this to be a space where you can say what you need,” she replied as I shuffled the lower half of my body into a more comfortable position.
Her name is Caitlin* and she is a massage therapist who specialises in gentle, affirming touch.
It is not sexual. There is no genital contact. There is very little conversation once I get settled on the couch.
Yet, I leave the sessions feeling witnessed and welcomed in my neediness.
My needs are for props, pauses, and a pace that allows my nervous system to slow down and sigh.
She is careful with me, and I appreciate that care.
She touches me with undemanding tenderness.
**
From her introduction on her website, I know Catilin has been on her own journey from burnout to balance, and her empathy comes from her lived experience as well as her innate kindness.
(*Caitlin is a pseudonym – not everything needs to be shared.)
**
When a friend asks where I’d like to go for dinner, I’m able to say I’d like somewhere vegetarian or vegan; not too loud, not too late.
When my massage therapist asks if I’m warm enough, I’m able to request another blanket and allow her to tuck it snugly around my toes.
When my lover asks where I want their hands, if I want to add any toys, or if I want them to bite me…
**
Expansion is a word that keeps coming up for me as I write about desire lines.
Expansion is about wanting more: to be more, to have more, to experience more… And yet there are conflicts with this.
One conflict centres on the imperative of knowing and believing that we – each of us – are already ‘enough’. There is nothing lacking. We are already perfect and whole. We do not need another experience or another person to ‘complete’ us; there is no quest for a missing ‘other half’.
Another conflict concerns what we have been conditioned to believe about our wants and needs: the challenges we can experience in even knowing what they are, and then the subsequent obstacles we face in being able to ask for those needs to be met.
Following on from this, many of us have further issues with actually being able to receive: questions can arise about worthiness and deservedness.
It is complicated.
However, I am not sure it needs to be.
Think about that word ‘expansion’ for a moment. How does it make you feel? I picture myself with arms outstretched, ready to embrace the world, soaring, vibrant, alive.
Now think about the opposite: ‘constriction’ or ‘contraction’. Becoming smaller, stagnating, being less and less of who you truly are.
I know which I choose.
**
Wanting, asking, and receiving are still all works in progress for me. (Even as a self-proclaimed ‘midlife queer’.) And there’s another post to be written about giving, too.
I’m aware that all the examples I’ve given here involve being invited to say what you need, and that already suggests a layer of safety. How do we ask for what we need when the question is not asked? How do we receive if we can’t trust that what is being given comes from a place of genuine generosity?
And what’s the difference between needs and wants? Is it okay to have both?
(Perhaps wants are the things you would like to have to live comfortably, but they are not essential to your happiness; needs are the things you cannot live without.)
Whether it’s going for a massage and asking for the pressure to be firmer, sitting with the discomfort of needs that can’t be met (in the way or by the person I want them to be), or remembering that I can meet my own needs too, I’m willing to use my daily life as a practice ground for at least recognising that I do have needs.
And in a society that would often rather we stay small and quiet, being able to acknowledge and embrace our needs feels powerful and liberating. And, yes, expansive.
**
The daemon gently stroked one finger between Lilith’s thighs and groaned with desire when his finger made contact with her erect clit and juice-soaked lips. Another finger joined the first and danced over and around Lilith, following the trail of her gasps and cries to locate her sweetest spots and most urgent wishes.
As Lilith’s breaths quickened, the daemon unfolded his wings and danced the tips of his feathers over her back and arse.
“Please go inside me,” Lilith urged.
With a dextrous move, the daemon shifted his hips to slide into Lilith whilst still stroking and circling her clit. Lilith called out freely now, her sounds of pleasure rising in pitch and volume and echoing around the cave.
They moved together, both suspended in the place of wanting to come but not wanting it to end. They rode the wave of bliss until neither could contain it any longer. Their orgasms tore out of their bodies and throats with such force they were both left panting and glassy-eyed.
**
Desire Lines by Anna Sansom. Tart optional.
Desire Lines includes stories and insights from my own journeys with sex, sexuality and gender, Lilith erotica, and reflective questions for you, the reader, to explore and create a map of your own desires.
It’s for anyone who has been socialised as female, who wants to know more about who they are as a sexual being, and who longs to express this part of themself on their own terms.
In other words, you do not want to simply reflect the image of sexuality and gender that you’ve been shown by society; you are ready to find out your own truths and step into these, seeking and following your own, unique desire lines.
Bold, challenging and inspiring, Desire Lines contains graphic language and descriptions of sex and sexuality, including kink and BDSM, gender and body non-conformity, lust and love.
You can buy Desire Lines here. (Or order from your favourite bookshop.)
“Desire Lines is a book like no other I’ve ever read. It gives the reader full permission to be themselves, to let go of all that baggage, and to explore their sexuality with a sense of joy and wonder.”
DIVA Magazine
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