when other people do what THEY want, it gives me permission to do the same

7.16.26

One night in 2023, the sky was orange with ash and I had a shift at the restaurant I’d been working at. Everyone knew, I thought, that we weren’t supposed to go outside. Wildfires in Canada made the clouds one big caution sign.

That night, the manager refused to close the outdoor patio. I thought surely, I’d go home early when he placed me out there. Surely, no one would sit in the soot. But they did. Women at happy hour and old couples arguing and college kids complaining to their parents. It didn’t matter. They sat for hours in the haze, unfazed by the mask on my face and the campfire air.

Fast forward to today and it’s happening again. The view outside my window makes me think of suffocation. Makes me think of haboobs in my hometown. A haboob is an actual name of an actual weather event that turns whole towns dark red with dust in a matter of seconds.

I feel like I’ve just been dropped back down to earth after the fantasy land of the Netherlands. I’m trying to channel my jealousy into creative action, trying to record today. I refused to ideate or outline the next episode while on vacation. So yesterday, I puked out a bunch of jet-lagged, barely comprehensible bullet points. We’ll see what happens.

7.17.26

Skies are still hazy. I won’t be going outside today. Someone reschedules a zoom call last minute. They’re so apologetic but I could literally kiss them. I needed the free afternoon to finish recording.

Once i’m done, a wave of exhaustion hits & a weird pain in my stomach radiates in an unfamiliar way. It’s not a normal cramp or gas or nausea. I stop myself from googling symptoms or texting my mom with a vague description and a “should I be worried?”

I used to do that to her all the time. For years after moving away, I would regale her with stories of every weird burp, every visible change in my body, every unsettling detail. She never told me not to but I see the selfishness in doing that now while she sits powerless to help me thousands of miles away.

7.18.26

Grabbed dirty martinis with Becca before the Ariana Grande concert. She had an extra ticket because our friend Emma got surprise tickets to Europe and couldn’t go. Becca tried to resell them to no avail. We threw back fries and swapped stories, always circling back to remind each other how capable we are.

She had to reassure me it was perfectly okay to be dressed in a miniskirt and backless top at 4PM in a casual part of Brooklyn on a rainy day. I felt weird about it after being oggled in the elevator of my building. A man stared and said “wow” over and over again while his girlfriend (?) stood and laughed uncomfortably. I just stared back with a blank face.

Ariana Grande is incredibly talented. I am not going to wade into the discourse about her body other than to say I felt for her up there. She’s undeniably talented but I worry for her, worry for anyone seeing her who is triggered by her condition.

A lot of the rhetoric I’ve seen about her online is disgusting & handled terribly (before & after pictures, brutal insults, etc). An eating disorder is an illness, not a moral failing. I hope the people closest to her can get her the help she needs soon. I felt uneasy being there.

7.19.26

It’s the day of the world cup final. I go to 34th street, the heart of the chaos, to pick up the camcorder I ordered from B&H. The man behind the counter is sweet & when I tell him I still have my Texas license even though I’ve lived here for 10 years, he gives me detailed instructions on how to change it to a NY license. I know this is just a person who is remarkably adept at customer service but I feel the urge to ask him to hang out. Reminds me of the Kurt Vonnegut quote:

When I get home, I zoom in on the moon. I’m so fucking excited to use this camera. It feels more like shooting home videos.I feel like a dad in the 90s. We watch Weapons after dinner. Great movie. Never, ever want to see it again. Body horror is not my thing.

7.20.26

Met with a personal trainer for an app I’m trying out & might work with a couple months from now if it’s a good experience. She asks me what I’m doing as far as cardio goes. I say I’m walking 20,000 steps a day. That’s literally not true!! I don’t know why I said that.

Had a call with a company that wants me to do a retreat with them. It would be a week in Paris and I’d just need to find 25 people who want to come. Nervous about the prospect of failing to find people who want to come. Also nervous about the prospect of going on this trip and letting everyone down in some way. But excited about the idea of galavanting around Europe with Wild Geese listeners and/or readers. Let me know if you’d be down to join if it aligned with your schedule & budget??

5PM

Got a haircut, THANK GOD. I was looking and feeling like a huge dumbass. I hate the mullet grow out phase. An intentional mullet is cool. An unintentional mullet feels like a humiliation ritual (for ME! Don’t come in here projecting on my diary).

My hairdresser nearly put me to sleep with her finger nails on my scalp during the wash. We talk about how none of the women in Paris had pixie cuts & Rama Dawaji & I’m happy because this is my third time going to her and I finally feel like I’ve found my hairdresser here. After 10 years, that’s a relief.

7.22.26

Didn’t write yesterday. Spent the whole day editing and finalizing tomorrow’s episode of Wild Geese. That’s the first day without writing in about a month, I think?? That feels pretty fucking good to say. Not mad at myself for missing a day, proud of myself for finding a groove with writing that’s pulling me back to the page.

Yesterday, I had a final call with a podcast consulting client who I’d been working with for a few months. She had arrived at the conclusion that she didn’t even want to start a podcast, she wanted to write literary horror. A younger, more tunnel-visioned version of myself may have felt like I failed her. But she was happy. Revitalized. She said our work together helped her find the sandbox she actually wanted to play in, the thing she could get lost in for hours. I think that’s a success. I would have seen it as a failure to help her start a podcast she ultimately resented.

Our container had morphed from podcast consulting to a creative partnership/writing mentorship hybrid. I love being a writing partner & I’ve discovered this in such a roundabout way. Weirdly, half of podcast consultancy is helping people write. Never underestimate how much “influencing” is actually just writing and storytelling.

But we allowed our work together to take on a completely new shape as the weeks passed & discoveries about her real desires and capacity and curiosity were made. Funny enough, I had more fun working with her than I’ve had in years with podcast consulting. That container has become rigid and doesn’t seem to encapsulate my own desires and curiosities anymore. While I love having my own podcast, it’s only one small way I express myself & the ins and outs of podcasting have never truly been the point to me. What I’m really passionate about is helping other people sniff out their curiosity and create a devotional practice with it.

Mentorship is never one-sided. I learn a lot too. On the final call, I told her that simply by coming to her own conclusion about her needs and desires, she had helped me see my own. The idea that I’ve largely outgrown the 1:1 side of my business is a little scary to admit. I still want to work 1:1 with people. Nothing replaces the ability to speak directly to someone and see your work together actively doing something in their lives. You can’t always see that when you put stuff out to an audience. But just teaching people how to start and maintain podcasts isn’t interesting to me anymore. Much to think about.

7.23.26

I’m sitting outside at a wine bar/book shop with a glass of happy hour white wine. The people at the table next to me started whispering when I sat down which makes me feel like I’m intruding even though this is a public space. I’d usually pop my headphones in to assure them I’m not eavesdropping but they broke last weekend when I accidentally put them in the washer. Three women sit playing card games and drinking wine three tables away. I want to pull up a chair.

I came here because I needed to get out of my house. It’s odd, going from traveling the world to sitting stationary on your couch for most of the day. Editing, editing, editing.

This morning, I woke up to an email from a brand that wanted to work with me. After they received rates from my manager, they offered less than market rate (less than I’ve charged since the beginning of my channel) and said “her views are very unstable.”

This was uncouth. I knew that. I knew it was a gross move on their part. Especially because we had other agencies reaching out with higher rates for the same company. This is like approaching someone to work together on a freelance basis because you see the value they bring, hearing their rates, and lashing out when you can’t afford it by calling them bad at their jobs instead of just...finding someone you can afford. It still made my heart sink.

I’ll give it to them though, I am making videos about whatever the fuck I want and sometimes, that’s not great for the algorithm. I could optimize my channel beyond recognition and grow much, much faster. But I would be so bored and so sad. So alas, I will have to stick to “very unstable” viewership so I can keep my very stable (LMAO) mind in tact.