Some Of You Are Engaging in Cop Behavior.

Back when I was waiting tables, I remember coming to work right after my Abuelita died. I was a shell of myself, trying my best to keep smiling at customers.

A man and his daughter ordered a dip platter appetizer and cocktails. It was a Thursday and the restaurant was packed. We only had one bartender working that night. The dip platter landed on their table before the drinks did. This deeply offended the man. So much so, that he started loudly berating me as I was actively taking another table’s order.

“ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME!? WHAT KIND OF ESTABLISHMENT IS THIS?”

I politely paused the order I was taking to address the grown man’s tantrum. “I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the problem?” I ask.

“The APPETIZER comes before our DRINKS!? Every decent restaurant knows the drinks come out first! WHAT KIND OF PIECE OF SH*T PLACE IS THIS!? THIS IS RIDICULOUS” and on, and on.

I knelt down to meet his eye level and said, “you are not going to speak to me like that.” My voice was flat and my eyes were dead. My response obviously went against everything we’re taught in the service industry. I should have kept smiling and explained that we were understaffed. I didn’t care to. After months of shrinking away from bullshit like this, my grief snapped me into a new sense of audacity. He threw his napkin down on the table and stomped out before I could follow up with a solution. The dip platter sat untouched.

I cried in the bathroom when he was gone. Not because I was afraid of being fired (I would have welcomed an escape), but because I was disgusted with his attempt to treat me like a dog.

My point is, I’ve never known how to smile in the face of abuse. In fact, the cultural expectation to do so repulses me.

Now, I'm sitting at a cafe and a man with sandals on keeps sighing, loudly. All I can see out of the corner of my eyes are his toes. I click from one tab to the next, expecting something to click my focus into place. On days like this, it's easy to convince myself that everyone else is drawing from some reserve of focus and intention that I don't have access to.

It's a convenient lie, one that makes me feel bad for myself. Maybe the man in sandals is feeling the same way. Maybe that's why he just sighed again.

I don’t even want to write the word ‘burnout’ because I’m so fatigued with hearing it. But I suspect my lack of attention is actually rooted in avoidance. I’m no longer waiting tables. Now, I rely on freelance work and content creation to pay my bills.

As a freelancer, the day to day power grabs look different but feel oddly similar. I often wake up feeling like I’m in trouble. Server nightmares have been replaced with an obsessive need to check comment sections to see if I’m being yelled at.

I’m trying to squash a cloud of resentment that’s growing over my head because it feels like some people want me to feel this way. I think this is why I haven’t posted here since July. I’ve been writing just as much but withholding a lot more because I’m disturbed by the way certain strangers on the internet police my every move.

And I know they’re not just doing it to me. Some people, albeit a fringe subset of my audience, act like they own me because they clicked ‘subscribe.’ I’m speaking more about Youtube and Instagram, I haven’t really seen this on Substack (yet).

But I’m struck by the depth of the surveillance state. When I heard that term in the past, I always pictured literal surveillance cameras and face identification software. Now, I see the way individuals take it upon themselves to monitor and enforce their will onto strangers.

I’m not just talking about cancel culture (yawn), although that’s part of it. It feels much more insidious than that.

People engage in cop behavior without realizing it. I suspect they’re confusing binary thinking for critical thinking. Even further, they’re conflating moral judgements with activism.

I’ve had total strangers say they’re "disappointed" when I step out of line with their expectations. I have to wonder what makes them think I ever appointed them to a position of power over me in the first place.

Whether it’s in the service industry or the online space, I’m noticing that some people seem like they’re itching for the opportunity to punish someone.

As an example, in my most recent podcast episode, I referenced an essay that used the term “Balkanization,” to describe a linguistic phenomena happening on the internet wherein it’s becoming harder and harder to communicate with people in our physical reality as we’re all pushed further into niche internet sub-cultures. Someone commented about how they wished the term “linguistic Balkanization” wasn’t a thing because it carries negative connotations towards people from the Balkans. I didn’t know this and thanked the commenter for the added context!

But another person popped in to make assumptions about the writers of the reference wanting “consolidation of diverse forces/languages” and “re-assimilation.” I absolutely do not agree that the essay was arguing in favor of that. As a result of this person’s assumption, they started projecting all sorts of nefarious intent onto me and the writers of the essay.

But this person didn’t just leave it at a fair criticism of an essay I included in the episode. They decided to pick apart every detail of my presence to project the worst intent they possibly could. It didn’t matter what I actually said, it mattered what they inferred.

Here’s the rundown:

They said they felt like I was mocking my audience because I made a micro-expression that looked like I was about to laugh as I said “I know a lot of us are in survival mode right now.”

They also said it seemed like I was trying to dehumanize my audience into submission because I had this screenshot in the thumbnail:

They argued that the above screenshot was about “herding” bunnies, and that must reflect my intentions towards my audience. Oh also! My podcast is called Wild Geese, so I must see my audience as wild animals looking to be shaped by “the man.”

Mind you, the entire message of the episode was about centering Indigenous voices and expanding our ability to humanize others and the land we live on through language.

So this assessment is clearly an absurd projection. But there is something so deeply infuriating about having your every move analyzed and misinterpreted to this degree.

I probably shouldn’t have responded at all, but the spirit of my waitressing days came out and I responded with something akin to “you are not going to speak to me like that.” They responded with a paragraph about how rude I am.

After being blocked, this person made a separate account to make an announcement in my comments about how deeply they distrust me.

Let me break down the cop-behavior of it all:

First, approach with a level of suspicion I would expect from a cop trying to sniff out a crime.

Second, comb through my record to discredit me (calling back to a past episode where I referenced Liz Gilbert, who I obviously should have known would be semi-cancelled after the episode came out).

Third, the classic - tone policing!

Fourth, compile “evidence” against me, some blatantly fabricated (herding? where did that screenshot say anything about herding bunnies?), that would not hold up in court.

Fifth, harass me until you feel you’ve punished me properly.

I could pass all of this off as one person that is just…unwell. But this particular cop-like behavior is gaining traction all over the internet and it feels harmful in a way that’s less obvious than cyber bullying.

I am open to discussion. I am open to being wrong. That much was clear in the simple,respectful conversation I had with the first person who raised the red flag about the term “Balkanization.” But I am not open to being approached this way. And frankly, it’s dehumanizing for people to expect me to be open to it just because I have a following.

Here’s what I wish I could say to these people:

You have become an extension of the police state you claim to be against.

If you want people to move through the world differently, you don’t achieve that by slapping them on the wrist. That happens when you lead the way, not when you assert your will over a strangers actions. And let me be clear - if you have not met me in real life, you are a stranger.

When people start acting as if they own me, I get angry. I rebel against it. This was true when I was waiting tables and dealing with customers on a power trip. It’s also true when followers act as if the ‘subscribe’ button is my leash and my salvation. You do not own me because you clicked a button. And I’d sooner tell you to unclick it than allow you to feel entitled to tell me what to do.

You will not project moral perfection onto me and then make theater out of your disappointment when I let you down. I am a person, not a saint. Something that also may not always be clear from the content I publish: I am a bit of a bitch. And that bitch will come out when you try to use internet anonymity as a lever to exert power over me.

And I know all of this is just a desperate grasp at control, a clenched fist around any piece of power you can grab. We are all so fucking scared right now. It must feel good to think you’re making a difference by policing my behavior. But I don’t trust cops and I’m known to dig my heels in. These tactics do not work.

The depth of my anger towards these grabs at control feel amplified right now because we desperately need to focus. For the most part, the people in my comment section are smart people. They’re people who care deeply about others. That’s why they’re critical and exacting.

But labeling the mundane, decontextualized actions of strangers as “good” and “bad” is one step away from in group, out group thinking and carceral punishments. It might feel harmless, you could even delude yourself into thinking it’s helpful. But it’s misplaced energy that’s distracting you from the cause of liberation for all people. We do not free each other by locking strangers in a moral purity contest.

I listened to an interview with the late poet Andrea Gibson. When asked whether they believe in good people vs. bad people, they said “No, I don’t believe in good and bad people. The definition for myself for a long time is - are you trying? Are you trying to be kind? Are you trying to be generous? Are you trying to make the world more beautiful? And I say trying because I have experiences of times in my life where I’ve tried to be kind and I couldn’t be.”

The people that are not trying are the people spewing Nazi talking points of “good vs. evil,” as rallying cries right now. We are not enemies. Focus.