Weird things Eighties kids were jealous of

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Greed was good in the Eighties and as a kid of this era, I had plenty of it. Most of these things I wanted could well apply to other decades. There’s one that could’ve been spawning envy from 2830BC onwards. But this is my experience of all the things I was insanely jealous of, which were also actually insane.

I’ve got no evidence that these desires were in any way universal. But I can’t be alone. (I hope not.) Here are five things I coveted for no good reason.

How I longed for that little dusty blue inhaler when I was in primary school. It was the ultimate gadget before anyone really had gadgets. (I’m not sure I can count the Speak and Spell and Major Morgan.) And it was a lifesaving gadget. What could be more exciting to everyone, apart from someone who actually has asthma and their family?

Obviously, I didn’t want asthma. I just wanted to be able to take my little lifesaving gadget into school and have everyone look at me in envy when I took a little puff after rounders.

I can see that there’s already a pattern emerging here of desire for the accessories of terrible medical conditions. But I can’t change the way I felt that day Clare Hepburn rocked up to primary school with a plaster cast on her leg. And when the following year, someone had an arm cast. I was barely able to contain my envy.

Obviously, I didn’t consider the terrible pain and itchiness and other stuff that I don’t even know about, as I’ve yet to break a bone. The thrill was that we were all allowed to write stuff on it. I’m not sure what empathetic nine-year-old me wrote. Probably something like, ‘Cool plaster cast!’

And how exotic did Plaster of Paris sound? So continental! As continental as a continental quilt and my first one of those was exciting enough.

I might be wrong, but I don’t think the writing happens anymore. I’ve not seen a plaster cast covered in writing for years now. They look less fun now, like a giant boot.

I also can’t stress enough that I’m no longer jealous of plaster casts.

Okay, there’s definitely a really firm pattern. Another medical accessory. Although I promise I didn’t feel the same way about callipers or an iron lung etc. etc.

This one usually went hand in hand (LITERALLY!) with the broken leg. But how cool was it to have crutches in school? I’d beg to have a go on them. The desire for crutches without pain is still so strong that when my partner had some last year for a dodgy knee, I secretly had a go when no one was around.

I think maybe what I’ve learned from my list so far is a desperate craving for attention and to be different. But without any of the inconveniences of these differences. I won’t delve any further to avoid facing any hard truths about myself. So, here are some non-medical ones for balance.

Kids of the 70s and 80s could be divided into two categories. Those who had Matey bubble bath and those who wanted it so badly. It was one of the most coveted things of this era and yet it was a pretty bog-standard toiletry. How were we duped into this strong desire?

I’m not sure there was anything special about the bubbles, so it must’ve been the bottle. Maybe we hadn’t seen a bottle before that had been designed to look like a person. In this case, a sailor, with the lid being the hat.

I cannot imagine a bubble bath being such a status symbol today. I was so jealous of kids who had it. We had it sometimes and it was honestly a dream come true.

When Colgate blue minty gel toothpaste arrived in 1984, it was like a whole new exciting world had opened up. Like we’d been living in black and white, and colour had just arrived. A blue toothpaste! A blue gel toothpaste!

The adverts made it seem even more exciting. This was surely the first family toothpaste marketed at kids. And it really worked. I was incredibly jealous of anyone who had this fun new world in a tube. It’s hard to imagine now being jealous of a toothpaste. This is even less exciting than a bubble bath. But after some severe pestering, my mum bought it and it didn’t disappoint in any way. The good times had begun.

If you felt the same way about any of these as a kid, please let me know. As well as any other weird things you were jealous of.