My Eyes Turned Green

I was having a lunch date in Los Angeles, where the sun bathed our faces in warmth, as it does there, and everything seemed perfect. My date looked at me and said “You have the most beautiful green eyes.” I said “Thank you,” and I giggled, and said “But I have dark brown eyes.” And he said “No you don’t silly, you have green eyes.”

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had dark brown eyes. What was he talking about? A WTF moment. I secretly freaked out, and as soon was I got home I looked at my eyes with one of those scary 10X magnifying mirrors that shows everything, and I indeed had green eyes. Why did I not notice this before? What was going on? I immediately called my doctor to ask her why this was happening, and if I am I turning into another species, like a reptilian, a green lizard lady.

She laughed, which is always a good sign when your Doctor laughs. She told me “not to worry about it” but to get a blood test in the morning. Omg, was I turning into an Amazonian woman in a 1966 sci-fi movie where I turn green and become a crazed monster who is an insatiable nympho? I took the blood test to find out.

The blood test revealed that I was perfectly healthy, but my cholesterol shot up to an alarming high of 268, and my Doctor immediately put me on 40 mg of Lipitor so the fat in my blood wouldn't blow out my arteries. The weird thing is that just three months ago I had a blood test and my cholesterol was a perfectly normal 180. I asked the Doctor why my eyes might have suddenly turned green and she told me to “not worry about” it but to go to an eye doctor. Ok, now I’m worried again. Was I going blind?

I sat in bed that night thinking about what would make my cholesterol jump like that, and suddenly remembered the smokin’ hot personal trainer at the gym who told me he took Keto gummies and that I should try them to burn fat. So I took them every day for a month, noticed no difference in my body fat or weight, and stopped taking them. I also stopped listening to jacked personal trainers who are on Ozempic and steroids.

At the eye Doctor, I told him my story of sudden high cholesterol and my eyes suddenly turning green. He took one look at my eyes through his optical “autorefractor” machine and said “You have Arcus Senilis, but it won’t affect your vision at all. Don’t worry.” I googled it right there as he was talking to me, and it said “Latin for “old eyes.” Jesus, that’s all I need; I now have Granny eyes from eating Keto gummies. Maybe I should do “Granny porn.”

The Doctor explained that when my cholesterol suddenly shot up, “The cholesterol, which is the fat your in you blood, seeped beneath your eyes into your cornea, where the color is, and changed the color of your eye. It’s permanent. But harmless. Most people get this in their 80’s and get blue eyes. But your green eyes look great, so I wouldn’t worry about it.” Then he added “As they say in New York, Fugghedabouditt,” sounding like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas.

I was stunned, but when the second Doctor told me not to worry about, I stopped worrying about it. I just can’t believe it permanently changed my eye color, like I got green eye contacts. I wish I could do more random shit like this to make myself better looking.

“Who told you to take the Keto gummies?” the Doctor asked. “Some gorgeous but apparently uninformed about supplement side-effects personal trainer at the gym, who assured me that he was a “Certified Nutritionist,” I reported. The Doctor, who has a medical degree from Columbia University in New York City and taught at Harvard said “Yeah, those guys can get those for about $600 online.”

I started showing my eyes to my friends and family to see what they thought of the color change. Of anyone in my life though, my brother would be the one to see the difference. He told me they still looked brownish, but they lightened up an entire shade from dark brown to medium brown, and are now “greenish brown.’ “But they did turn green,” he said, “so weird.” Even he couldn’t believe it.

I like the new, lighter eye shade better and I hope nobody will say “I liked your brown eyes better,” since I can’t do anything about it. One guy once told me on a first date “Your dark brown eyes make you look more ethnic,” which didn’t exactly sound like he thought it was a positive, so I never made it to the second date with the head of the Aryan Brotherhood.

I recently met someone new, and on our first date, he looked into my eyes and said “You have amazing eyes.” This time I didn’t say anything, I just thought, “I’m not going to worry it," and I took a deep breath. I’m going to see my life through new eyes now, and let go of all the stuff that doesn’t really matter.