I Didn't Want to Write This

I wanted to reach out to you one more time before Christmas and the New Year, but I didn’t want to write the same ole blog post. I didn’t want to write about stress and shopping guilt and being tired. Yet, those are all the things I feel right now.

I went out to dinner with my girlfriends last night. We have been gathering for Christmas dinner for 30 yrs! 30 years. We were 13 the first time we had our mothers drop us off at The Old Spaghetti Factory. (If you’ve read “Stay” I write a chapter about it there.)

All five of us sat around an awkward table—half booth/ half chairs and bad lighting. We talked about our kids and their relationships, colleges, and our failing eyesight. I never felt quite comfortable. The table was too high. I was too short. Then they pulled out packages. My body shifted again. Everyone except me and my other friend, Becca handed out presents. But, Becca has a good excuse not to bring a gift. Her husband has been battling cancer all year. What was my excuse? I opened lip gloss, a bottle of cooking herbs, and lotion. I offered nothing. Well, I did offered an excuse.

I don’t have a lot to offer. Maybe that is why I didn’t really want to write this because it feels like JUST ANOTHER PERSON telling you how exhausted they are. Who wants that?

When we have nothing to offer, God offered Himself.

So today, in my resistance to being loved, I let love in. The same way my friends didn’t care about a gift and hugged me anyway, I let God love me.

I am behind.

I am a failure at all the Christmas things.

I am not measuring up.

I am not filling the stockings.

I am not decorating cookies.

I am not enough.

I can’t offer much.

Pause.

I think I have arrived at the whole point of it all—all the stuff, all the trees, all the Christmas concerts, costumes contests, and many canes.

My ‘not enough’ is the whole point of it all.

So even on this morning where the kids are on screens and I am still in my PJs and I don’t have a clue where my car keys are, I let love in. I let God greet me in my “I have nothing to offer” state.

Turns out, I am not a superhuman. I am a human who needs grace. I can offer me, just as I am. And, God, well, He comes anyway.

The gift comes anyway.

Peace to you my dear readers. I am so grateful for you.

And, of course, if you still need a gift, here is a good one to give. A unique book of prayers for your mom, mother-in-law, friend, sister, daughter. $18 today and it will arrive in time for you to stuff it into a bag and put it under the tree.

Have a beautiful Christmas. May your soul know its worth.