#87 When you're a little lost (but life goes on?)

I was going to dedicate this issue to the topic of grief, and I guess I am in a way. But, during that week not so long ago when I couldn’t sleep almost every night, I feel I have already already written and re-written this issue in my head, telling you exactly what’s on my mind and how I’ve been feeling.

So, weirdly, I almost feel a sense of relief after sharing it all even though I haven’t really. Aren’t our brains strange like that?

There’s a few thoughts that have been resurfacing during this time I’ve been a little AWOL here.

First one’s that it really, truly helps to find your tribe(-member). I spoke to a fellow freelancer who’s been in a very similar situation and almost at the same time as me (spooky), and I’m super grateful she listened to me (probably going in circles), because it genuinely did help.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for therapy, and I wouldn’t want to pull a Carrie when she pissed off her friends by using them as a substitute for an actual pro who can help her sort out her feelings. Miranda (below) says it best.

So, I’m mindful in that I’m not taking those random Discord chats for granted. So yes, speaking to someone who just gets you, can do wonders. But you do need to recognise when it’s too much and you need to take it a step further, i.e., towards a therapist’s office.

The second thought is that it can be pretty hard when you’re thrown back into chores, looming deadlines, flashing Slack messages that need answering, and the assumption is that your grief should culminate at the funeral, and after that—you’re suddenly okay to just get on with it.

Which obviously is not true.

Instead, now you have chores, looming deadlines, and unanswered Slack messages on top of random moments of sadness and grief. Add to the mix irrational feelings of guilt (am I grieving ‘hard’ enough? How is it fair for me to enjoy something or feel good when I ‘should’ be grieving?) and just the overall ‘I’m so done, don’t test my patience.’

Unless that’s more the case of just getting older and caring way less about keeping peace and appeasing others (especially as a woman)? Could be that, who knows.

Okay, so let’s circle back to the whole ‘back to reality’ thing. Is it wild that I think I don’t have time to grieve because I can’t afford to lose sleep, I can’t afford to lose focus or everything will crumble like a house of cards—and here I refer more to the internal happenings in my brain and my ability to keep my sh*t together rather than the physical environment around me.

And when I do allow myself the time and space to think, two things keep coming up:

When someone’s been a big part of you growing up and they’re no longer here, it feels like all of that first part of your life is gone, not just gone, it’s lost. And, I know it’s not true but it feels like this big hole—like someone’s taken a chunk out of what once was.

And then on the other hand, there’s a sense of loss for what could’ve been, what could’ve been said or experienced, and now none of it will.

It feels like you’re tugged apart in two because it’s tough to look back and it’s just as tough to look ahead.

But you also don’t want this big dark cloud to completely overshadow memories that actually matter either, you know? I do find it hard because I feel it physically. It’s like this ache in the back of your throat, and my hands get all cold and clammy whenever I think about it.

One more thing, I have to bring up the immigration point—not a political one in any way. More an identity one.

I find the distance does a funny thing to you. It dulls certain senses and thoughts, but intensifies others, like guilt, regret, helplessness.

When I spoke to my freelancer friend, one thing we touched on was how intriguing and surprising it is to find that gasp your family members have actual lives of their own, outside of the family unit. They have friends, their own neighbours, acquaintances. They have their own history, dreams, thoughts, regrets, and opinions that you might never even know about.

In a way, I think that’s the thought that helps me ground myself a little because life is for living and when someone’s had a great time on this Earth, when they’ve built relationships, when they’ve loved and experienced the entire gamut of what it’s like to be a human, you know they’d hate to see you feeling like this.

I know, for a fact, none of this would make them happy, and instead they’d want to see you thrive, so I guess the best we can do is to try and do just that?

That’s all from me this week—if you enjoyed this newsletter issue and haven’t subscribed yet, you can click the button below. I’d love to have you here! Hopefully, catch you next week.✨