LOVE COUNCIL

Part one

William Blake - The Lovers Whirlwind

“The love that follows us sometimes is our trouble, which still we thank as love” – William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Unfolding in fire

I met Jono at Gigi and Wins wedding in Big Pine, California. Jono lived in Maui, Hawaii, and I lived in North Wales. It seemed a ridiculous situation, but then swallows fly from Africa to live in the UK for the summer. So, what the hell, distance or not, we were strongly attracted to each other. Several Skype calls later, we decided Let’s see what happens! After about a year, a lot of calls, and a few flights between us from Hawaii to North Wales and vice versa, I asked Jono if he would like to do a relationship Council at the Ojai Foundation. We could meet in California and take this opportunity to look more consciously at our relationship. Especially as we were just in the beginning of this love affair, this seemed a good thing to me.

The Way of Council, as a Council for couples, was founded by Jack Zimmerman and Jacqueline McCandless. They named it Flesh & Spirit. They wrote a book and trained many couples to work with couples in this particular form of deep listening and deep sharing.

What Happened

Each of us participants were given a beautiful yurt to sleep and live in for the duration of the retreat. The Council consisted of about twelve couples: some were in a thirty-year marriage, some were a few years into their relationship. All were at different stages and levels, some in deep conflict. Others were bored and habituated, having lost the spark, and some wanted to deepen their intimacy. Jono and I were the only couple that were in a new relationship.

It was early Friday evening when the Council began. We walked into the main teaching space: a huge yurt that could sit about thirty people. To my utter surprise, the facilitators of the Council had made a space of absolute romantic beauty: a centre with a candle and several small vases of soft, sensual pastel-coloured flowers. The outer circle had red and orange cushions waiting for us, the entrance was a path of rose petals leading to our cushions on the floor and around the altar in the centre. The light was a dimmed orange glow, and Edith Piaf was singing a love song on a tape machine - it filled the air like bird song in springtime. It was like stepping into a boudoir of love and sexual intimacy laid out before us. The setting immediately ignited my romantic mood and an open heart for Jono, along with a little nervousness. Everyone arrived and took their seats, each couple sitting close to each other.

The guides, Joseph and Amy, opened the circle with a little history of their experience of the mystery of relationship and Flesh & Spirit. After lighting the candle, we went around the circle for a check-in, introducing our partners rather than ourselves. I felt a little challenged by this. We were in a new relationship; in fact, what came to light straightaway was how much we were at the beginning. We were still getting to know each other - not so easy in a long-distance relationship, where every time we met it was like the first time and a bit of a honeymoon. Opening the circle in this way highlighted my naivety. After several hours of introductions, the next round was for each of us to share something our partner brought to the relationship that worked well for us. In the following round of Council, we shared something challenging about our partner; now the doorway really started to open. That was difficult as well. I was beginning to realise what’s involved and the time it takes to really get to know someone with all their peculiar habits and warts.

As Flesh & Spirit unfolded, the Council started to move and flow like a river winding its way through the land, or the wind in the trees, slowing us down, opening us up to reveal what was beneath the surface; and in its magic, as Council always does, eventually the shadows and difficulties in all our relationships came alive. Joseph and Amy shared their challenges, which were authentic and honest, paving the way for us all to jump in. Where there was conflict and strong opposition, they invited those couples to sit in the centre of the circle around the altar, and with the safety of the container and witnesses, they could say what the good thing their partner brought to the relationship, and what was a difficulty, even something - and especially something - they were really pissed off about. In the spirit of the Council, people got the opportunity to say what was often felt or thought to be impossible; people and couples started to break through the habits of their relationships to meet each other with honest, authentic truths. This, in turn, led to intimacy and a sense of enquiry, rather than judgment about who was right or wrong. As the spirit of Council revealed what lay beneath those habits and patterns, we felt and saw vulnerability and humbleness, which made connection and love available once again. It was inspiring and a teaching for all.

Jono and I realised that we had a certain amount of idolatry and/or infatuation, and a lot of projections. In other words, we wanted the other to be the one who fit the image of the perfect right partner, the one who would make whole the other half of each other. It was a big realisation for me. What really came to light for us from that Council was a sharp focus on whether we wanted a long-distance relationship. Did we want to commit to the inner work together that would mirror our shadows and wounds? Could or should we commit to one of us moving to the other’s country? We both recognised that all these questions were what was meant by a ‘conscious relationship’. These questions brought up a lot of resistance, and after some dark moods and shadows, it eventually became clear that neither of us wanted to do that, and neither of us was ready for that kind of commitment - for whatever reasons: fear of intimacy, fear of commitment or whatever…. perhaps we were not really the right people for each other. We were both sad and became distant and separated. I thought we were going to enter into a conscious relationship, and it was naive of me. What came alive was the underlying truth of our intention, or lack of, and our consciousness around the whole thing. We were in a dream.

Council has a way of bringing the truth to the surface, even if it’s uncomfortable and painful, just as nature can be ruthless. Something has to die for something to be born.

Later that evening, I sat alone on the decking of our yurt and looked at the vast California night sky, with a myriad of stars in the universe, and remembered the relationship that eventually led me to truly open my heart to myself.

I remembered...

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” – A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act 1, William Shakespeare

Ancient Healing Ways - Way of Council and Nature-Based Healing Rites