How to Love Yourself in Practice

Many of us talk about loving ourselves, but don’t know what that looks like from a boots-on-the-ground sort of way.

Like seriously, what does it mean in real, concrete terms to love and accept oneself?

First, let’s delineate what loving oneself is not.

• Loving oneself is not avoiding uncomfortable feelings.

• It’s not pretending everything is OK when it’s not.

• It’s not “taking oneself out on a date” when you can’t stand your own company.

• It’s not finding new and inventive ways to ignore yourself.

• It’s not hiding or holing yourself up in your room for days on end.

In other words, if you’re making yourself and your feelings wrong on an overt or covert level, that is not self-love or self-acceptance.

So what is self-love and self-acceptance, then?

It’s meeting yourself where you are without trying to change, fix, alter, shame, or avoid your feelings.

It means being attuned to yourself and taking yourself and your feelings seriously without being precious, dramatic, or overly meaningful about it.

Here’s a pretty remarkable example of what this looks like. In this video, a father holds a patient, loving, respectful space for his toddler’s big feelings, without any compulsion to fix her or comfort her before she asks for it:

This kind of presence and patience toward myself and others is something I practice and continue to deepen. It is Aikido, doctorate-level love, patience, and acceptance.

Over decades, I’ve cultivated a deep well of kindness and patience toward myself.

I trust myself with myself.

So then, how do we love ourselves in real-time when it’s hard to do so and when our relationship with ourselves feels disempowering and unkind?

Here are some of the practices I return to, again and again:

• I write in my journal a lot.

• I take long walks.

• I make my bed.

• I do the dishes.

• I go to hot yoga and/or hot pilates every or every other day.

• I take hot salt baths.

• I get bodywork.

• I have sex with someone who I love and who loves me - for me, sex and good touch is an important nutrient.

• I repeat in my mind and to the universe, “thank you, please show me the grace in this event,” over and over like a mantra.

• I listen to podcasts.

• I talk to my women friends a lot.

• I speak to a coach or a therapist as often as I need to.

• I get energy work.

• I do parts work with myself.

• I do a lot of tapping meditations.

• I do a shaking meditation where I shake and speak incoherently for 20 minutes — just let my body and emotions do whatever — and then I meditate right after for 20 minutes.

• I cry. Sometimes, a lot.

• I cry some more.

• I scream. Sometimes, a lot.

• I scream some more.

• I get really angry and have internal conversations with myself, people, God, the person in the car in front of me, etc., etc

• As much as I can, I let myself feel all of what I feel.

• If it’s “up” for me, I write about how much I hate myself, (the world, God, and everyone, etc), and meet myself in my own hate without judgment. That itself is an act of love.

• I write down gratitudes every day.

• I write mantras and celebrate my wins (no matter how small) every day.

• I eat too much and maybe hate myself, but work to feel compassion for myself.

• I don’t eat enough and maybe hate myself, but work to feel compassion for myself.

• I play with all the dogs I can.

• I pray.

• I pray some more.

• I go to 12-step meetings.

• I get frustrated with how long the process is taking.

• I ask myself questions that challenge my powerless victim thinking. Questions like, “Is this true, or does it just feel true?” “Where is the sensation in my body?” etc. Anything that helps me distance myself from my disempowering patterns or beliefs.

• I begin to differentiate from the noise and get some emotional and psychological breathing room.

• I grieve.

• I surrender. I mean, really surrender.

• I start finding some true peace.

• When need be, I start the whole process over until my brain is a quiet neighborhood and my heart feels open and light.

We all need support from the internal and external noise and patterns from time to time. There’s no shame in that.

But to reiterate, the relationship with ourselves is a real relationship, one that is more real and more important than any other we have.

Loving yourself is not something you achieve. It’s something you practice when no one is watching. It’s the choice to stay present with what’s real, rather than abandoning yourself for a better story.

Over time, that ‘staying with yourself no matter what’ becomes trust. And that trust becomes home.

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