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This week, I’m starting a new series of posts called “Ask Me Anything.” As you might have guessed, this is your chance to ask me parenting questions. I will respond to them in a written post each week. If I get several questions of the same theme, I will group them together.
If you would like to submit a question, feel free to email me at: amy@thoughtfulparent.com or you can comment on this post to leave a question.
Ask Me Anything:
This week’s question comes from a parent of an almost two-year-old. I’ll summarize it here: the parent is concerned and feeling a little hurt because their child sometimes prefers other caregivers over them. They are wondering how to handle this tricky situation.
Caregiver preference in toddlerhood
This issue of parental or caregiver preference is a very common issue, and especially among toddlers. However, it can happen at any age. I’m going to primarily focus on the situation with toddlers, since that was the reader’s question.
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Why do toddlers prefer one parent or caregiver?
Toddlers are going through so many developmental changes and brain development at this early age. They often have strong preferences, and we don’t always know why. They might get really attached to a certain stuffed animal or a certain sippy cup. These choices seem arbitrary when it comes to physical objects like that, but when it comes to yourself or another caregiver, it feels very personal.
It’s probably not about you
The important thing to remember is that it probably is not personal. It probably has nothing to do with how you take care of them or how affectionate you are, or anything like that. Toddlers often have very strong preferences, and they can change suddenly. Although it feels very personal, it’s helpful to try to not take it as personally if you can.
Avoid making it overly emotional
When a toddler prefers one parent/caregiver over another, it is not uncommon for the other parent to try to encourage the toddler to have empathy for the “less preferred” parent. Parents may say things like, “It makes me feel sad when you prefer your dad over me.”
This strategy rarely works because toddlers, especially at age two, have a really hard time putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. They are really egocentric at this age. This is not a character flaw, it’s brain development. Their little brains are not really capable of perspective-taking at this age. Trying to encourage them to feel empathy for the “rejected” parent is probably an effort in futility, and may actually make the emotional tone of the whole situation feel worse.
Set boundaries for caregiving tasks
Although you may not be able to make your toddler want to spend time with the other parent/caregiver, you will probably still have to set boundaries around the time that each caregiver spends with your child.
For example, if your child prefers another parent/caregiver over you for almost every task, there will have to be some boundary set so that you can help take care of them too. It’s unlikely that the preferred caregiver (whether it be you or another parent, grandparent, etc) can do all of the caretaking. At some point, the caregiving tasks are going to have to be divided amongst you.
If your child really prefers one caregiver for everything, setting some rules about who does what tasks is key. It might be something like: mom gets to give you a bath and dad gets to do bedtime, or one parent/caregiver helps you get dressed, and the other gets to make your breakfast. Whatever arrangement works for your family, it’s important to communicate that to your toddler.
If your toddler has strong preferences, they will likely push back on these boundaries, but it’s important to hold firm. Otherwise, if you continue to allow one caregiver to do all the tasks, it will just reinforce the pattern.
Parental preference at different ages
Preferring one caregiver over another can often happen at other ages as well. In my life as a parent with our two boys, we’ve gone through many different rotations of this. At different times, one of our boys has preferred me or my husband and it often switches.
It can be a very special time if you have a special routine or connection that you do at bedtime, or special activity you do on Saturday mornings together. But the key is to always try to encourage both parents/caregivers to be involved in some way so these patterns don’t get entrenched.
The other issue to keep in mind is to not get into a habit of having only one parent/caregiver do all the fun activities and one caregiver do all the drudgery activities (including discipline). If that becomes the situation, caregivers can easily become pitted against each other, and that’s not healthy for anybody.
Try to make sure that both parents/caregivers are taking on some amount of the discipline and boundary setting, so that the child realizes that you are a united front.
✨ The more I sat with this question, the more I realized it applies well beyond toddlers and caregiver preference. ✨
Parental preference as a metaphor
As I thought about this topic, I realized that the issue of parental preference is kind of a metaphor for many parenting challenges that emerge. Whether it be tantrums, challenging behavior, picking eating, or any number of parenting challenges, the advice is largely the same (at least from the broad view):
Don’t take it personally
The challenge is often not due to a poor parenting strategy (i.e., it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent)
Stay consistent with boundaries and caregiving
This too shall pass
Ask me a question and it may be featured in the next post! Email me at: amy@thoughtfulparent.com or leave a comment here.
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