Last weekend I was at a picnic with some friends and my five-year-old daughter doing a run-through of a workshop I’m leading at this year’s Association of Health Care Journalists conference on improv for journalists.
In between bites of brie and bread, I realized we had forgotten napkins.
One of my friends reached into her purse and tossed something toward me.
“Here,” she said. “Use this.”
It was a pantyliner.
I eyed the “vile” product skeptically.
In a matter of microseconds, images from my past flooded my mind: accidentally dropping a pad on my way to the bathroom in middle school; boys whispering and laughing because of the dot of blood on the backside of my white shorts; asking women in a rest stop bathroom if they had a tampon because I got my period unexpectedly during a road trip and, naturally, the tampon machine was broken.
The shame.
The embarrassment.
The injustice of it all.
Then I remembered: I don’t play that game anymore.
So I decided to “yes and” the moment.
I smiled at my friend, unwrapped the pantyliner, and wiped my hands.
“Thanks.”
A few minutes later my daughter picked it up and asked about it. One of my friends explained that it was kind of like a Band-Aid for women. (She’s five so we’re talking to her at her level.)
My daughter immediately wrapped the pantyliner over the top of her foot and began limping around dramatically announcing that she had a broken leg.
She wore the pantyliner cast to bed.
She wore it to school the next day, and to dance class that night.
She finally let it go when it was time to take a bath.
And honestly, I loved watching her interact so casually with a product she will likely use for much of her life.
No shame.
No secrecy.
No humiliation.
Just curiosity and play.
Improvisers talk a lot about acceptance. About taking what is actually there and building from it instead of resisting reality.
My daughter saw a pantyliner and thought: cast.
Many adult women see a pantyliner and think: hide this before anyone notices.
That difference says a lot.
I think part of getting older — at least for me — has been slowly shedding shame that never belonged to me in the first place.
I am tired of hiding who I am.
Tired of apologizing for where I come from.
Tired of acting like female bodily functions are embarrassing.
Tired of pretending difficult human experiences should remain invisible to make other people comfortable.
Maybe this comes with being in my 40s. Maybe it’s because I’m through dealing with shitty or disrespectful people. Maybe it comes from improv itself, which at its core asks people to respond truthfully instead of performing perfection.
Probably it’s all of those things.
But I know this: the more honest I become, the more meaningful my work becomes too.
That drive sits at the center of my solo show, Condemned to a Life, which explores traumatic brain injury, addiction, family trauma, memory, mental illness, and the exhausting work of trying to appear “fine” while carrying realities people are often taught to hide.
What happens when people stop hiding?
What becomes possible when ordinary human experiences are allowed to exist publicly without immediate shame attached to them?
For me, part of the answer is bringing this show into the world.
I recently launched a webpage for Condemned to a Life with information on performances, development, and upcoming projects. Over the next few months I’ll also be adding rehearsal photos, puppet builds, fragments from the writing process, and pieces of the life behind the show.
And if you’d like to support the project’s continued development and future performances, you can contribute to the fundraising campaign through Fractured Atlas. (Donations are tax deductible.)
As for my friend with the pantyliner, I told her what my daughter did with it and she mentioned how she carries them as part of her campaign to normalize feminime products. That sold me. I’m stuffing my purses with pantyliners and joining the cause. If you are not in a position to contribute to my camapaign, please consider tossing a pantyliner in your bag to offer someone in need of a tissue or a paper towel.
And here is a list of upcoming improv shows (in Chicago and abroad)
open mic in NYC June 12-14 TBD
Saturday June 20 at noon | Dear Tooth Fairy | The Playground Theater (Free kids show with an arts and crafts project where we learn to build a hand puppet)
Sunday June 21 | Grief Circle|Opening for Jimmy and Johnny at Bughouse Theater
Friday October 1 | Conversations We Can’t Have | Impronale, Halle Germany
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