It’s a Reform jobs bonanza!

I’m still laughing about last weekend’s Gorton and Denton by-election in the UK, which someone who calls herself a “little woman plumber”, according to this podcast, won, and not a star academic (any one know who that would be?) that a certain party put up. As are most of us who followed it, I think.

There’s so much about the Reform/GB News mob that is hypocritical and inconsistent. Where do you even start? But here’s the main two examples from Gorton and Denton, IMO. Firstly, they constantly run stories telling us not to do degrees, degrees are no good, especially the “Mickey Mouse” degrees. Apart from the multiple ones that Matt Goodwin, who lost the race against Greens candidate Hannah Spencer last weekend, has. Apparently all his are okay. Not Mickey Mouse at all. That must be why they chose him as a candidate.

This is before we even get to his policies. Seriously, it worries me that someone who was shaping up to be the JD Vance of the UK got so far in academia. Although I suppose that’s the least of our worries at this point, unfortunately. Now that they’ve been beaten by a tradie - a perfect candidate for the AI age - they’re having a sook. Huge hypocrisy and inconsistency here.

Secondly, given now that they’ve lost, Reform are up to their usual gaslighting, spinning ridiculous stories about supposed “family voting” and “sectarian voting”, their latest fantasies and inventions. I have to be honest, this makes me laugh because the UK doesn’t even have compulsory voting, sorry to point it out. As opposed to other countries where they go to the polling booth in their swimmers if they need to and they get a sausage on the day (you do get fined if you don’t vote, to be fair).

Some people in the UK are not even doing the normal voting. Yet Reform want us to believe that some are doing it the “family” way and “sectarian style”. Hilarious. My mother once made a joke, years ago, about voting for whoever my father voted for. Funny, but I can’t see Nigel Farage going after the likes of her and it’s not just because she’s in Australia.

Oh and for the record, I campaigned for a candidate up near Manchester in the 2024 general election. It was a heavily segregated area and I volunteered with the Muslim community, and there was never any mention of this.

As much as I can laugh about all this, it’s cutting through unfortunately. This is because Reform are master gaslighters and media manipulators. They weaponise anything and everything, including language. We’re not even allowed to call them far right or fascist any more. There’s now one thing worse than being racist in the UK and that’s being called it. They’ve managed to shift the Overton window. And they’ve also weaponised asylum seekers and violence against women and girls, making many believe that they actually care about this. Now they’ve weaponised the voting system.

As much as I’d love to see a political dramedy about Reform running councils into the ground, there’s one thing that needs to happen first and we have to defeat them. And their Australian version, One Nation, who are also now on the rise sadly. No doubt they’ll resort to some of the same tactics, if they haven’t already.

Despite their loss in Gorton and Denton, Reform are still advertising for 14 jobs across the UK. There’s a range of positions up for grabs. Something for everyone. But some of the JDs needed to be rewritten, so I did this for them:

Bookkeeper/Accountant

Skills needed: We’ll take any one but fluent Russian is highly desirable.

Perks: Probably the best job we have going. You’ll go a lot of places with this one! Obvs to the office five days a week because we don’t wfh - even though we did it ourselves, whoopsie - and then possibly to jail! But don’t worry, there will be opportunities beyond that! If you’re lucky it will only be for a few months, and you may get a book deal out of it. If not, it could be for 10.5 years. Either way, it’s an experience for you.

Intern/Creative

Skills needed: Editing photos - for example of a child with cancer to include an image of our great leader in it which will then go viral, ideally without any one noticing.

Perks: Even if fact checkers pick up on it, as recently happened, your skills will really be highlighted. Who knows what it could lead to. If you’re a young one, actually, it could lead to a gig with us running an entire council. We like to get you in early.

Press Officer

Skills needed: Obstructing press freedom. Definitely across the UK, including shutting down press conferences, preventing entire newspapers in some major cities from attending events and reporting on us. Spinning stories on things like the two tier justice system and facilitating interviews with our supporters who have threatened to burn down hotels housing asylum seekers and the press, positioning them as the new Nelson Mandela. Making sure that journalists never use the term “far right” in their stories. Weaponising asylum seekers and violence against women and girls in ALL press materials and stories. Placing stories about that shithole London across the country. Never answering questions about buying houses, Parliamentary breeches, bribes etc (not that there’s likely to be any, because we’ve got everyone under the thumb). Facilitating our great leader’s visit to the US, to lecture them on press freedom. And more.

Perks: You might get your own show on a channel called… GB News to pick up some extra pocket money.

Membership support officer

Skills needed: Ensuring that members can NEVER leave our great party. Fielding calls and screening emails from our over 271,000 members (including those who are also members of the press) who claim that it’s harder to quit our great party via cancelling their membership than quitting a TV subscription.

Perks: Lifetime membership.

Freelance Talent Pool

Event Producer

Skills needed: Must be able to travel regionally and sit through days-long conferences with hundreds of people wearing turquoise, women wearing sequined jumpsuits and singing about being insomniacs (which may in turn put you to sleep) and vaccine skeptics. Setting up press conferences to announce defections from the Tories (so every day of the week really). And more.

Perks: You’ll get to go to broken Birmingham.

Policy Advisor

Skills needed: Thorough research to make sure that we get our own record straight on things like working from home, buying houses, Brexit and more.

Perks: When we fuck up, which will be regularly, it will be a good training in crisis response for you.

What do you think? Have I left anything out? Feel free to let me know!