the stuff of our life

My third trimester with our third baby is about to begin (a fact I can hardly believe) — so it is time to make sure that the material objects this baby and me will need once they make their outward appearance are at least somewhat accessible when we need them. While I don’t feel motivated yet to “nest,” I feel very equipped for this part of parenting this time around. Two kids deep and nearing our third, I have formed some real opinions and have truly stress-tested all of our baby gear. We have kept everything, knowing we’d use it again. We have leant stuff to friends and then gathered it back up. Baby stuff can become such a beautiful circular economy — there is truly enough to go around and around. I love so much that so many of the things this baby will use have been used by other families we know and love.

This time, there is satisfaction in knowing what I like, what I will use, and how I will use it. That is truly such an overwhelming part of being a first time parent — choosing the stuff you want, acquiring that stuff, being marketed new stuff constantly, and then learning how and when and why to then use that stuff with your actual baby in your actual life. It really takes some trial and error and actual life experience to figure out what you actually want and need. I don’t think any first time parent will ever fully nail it, nor are you supposed to. That’s what that big first baby shower is for, folks are so eager to help you get what you need! And then some!

For our third baby, I do not have a registry. My closest friends and family and I will gather for a “sprinkle”/blessing next month, but it will be largely not about the stuff. We are pretty much set, which feels great. I don’t want any more baby stuff. I know what I like and I pretty much have it all, and it’s all broken in.

In terms of baby things, I am neither a minimalist nor maximalist. I’m never going to be the person who will claim that you need nothing to take care of a baby — I think that approach can get kind of holier-than-thou icky and make you feel bad for wanting or needing anything beyond a car seat, some cloth, and your boobs. But I also think it is real that most parents end up with too much, especially in our culture, especially the first time around. That’s part of the process though. You have to kind of discern your way through all the stuff and figure out what you actually like. It’s just hard that it happens all at once in such an intense way.

Rather, I think I’m a realist. I am happy to use objects to help me if they actually help. Nothing bothers me more than stuff I buy and then don’t use. But that isn’t the only important thing — I am frugal by nature, but I don’t want to only offer my baby leftovers or discards. If something is broken or too worn, I have no problem replacing it. And beauty is important to me, in addition to the function. So it all needs to be beautiful (in its way) and useful. I want to use everything I gather, and then be satisfied by that proper use. When I truly use something, it becomes dear to me — and even sacred, over time. “Matter matters,” as a priest of ours used to say. That phrase has stuck in my head long past our tenure at that church. Our babies are so precious to us, and these objects become some of their first sensations. Soft cloth, a bed to lay on, things to touch and wear and hold. We give that to them. Their first experiences of the material world are mediated by us, and it’s no small task. I want to surround my baby with softness and beauty. My body first, the world second. How special to imbue an object with sacredness by nature of offering it to your baby. Here, this is all for you, for us together. This is the stuff of our life.

What’s different this time:

The nursery days are gone for us. This baby will not have their own room at all, at least not for quite a while. Our house has three bedrooms, and, as of right now, my second-born still has not left my bed, so his room is basically a play room at this point. (Though he proudly still claims it as his room, even though he has only slept in there a handful of times.) Our older two will likely share a room eventually, but we aren’t there yet. I’m prepared for everyone to shuffle around in the next few years. And, my realist self has finally fully realized, my room is the baby’s room, so I’m planning to put my energy into making my room more beautiful, more comfortable, and better-suited for having a newborn as a roommate for a year plus. We will make a diaper changing area on top of our dresser, we will bring the glider (that my mom rocked me in when I was a baby) back in, we will clear space in the drawers for rotating baby clothes sizes. Otherwise — I also understand now that the whole house is the baby’s house too. I like to have a place to put the baby in all the most-used rooms in the house. The baby bjorn usually stays in the kitchen, we keep the moses basket in the living room, another little baby bouncer/chair in the bathroom, etc. Otherwise, carriers are essential tools, used off and on all day every day, and I like the ones I have (though of course I have my eye on a fancy new one). A basket of diaper changing stuff will live in the living room. I think our stroller situation is ok, but if we figure out we need something different we will scour marketplace or ask friends what they can lend. I really don’t want to buy stuff!

Baby-specific stuff I already own and know I will use for baby #3’s first six months:
(linking some things for convenience!)

1. Sidecar crib (we use an ikea sniglar clamped to the side of our bed)

2. Mini crib (we have a stokke sleepi we got secondhand that is lovely and small and on wheels — it just annoys me to have to lower baby down into it after falling in love with sidecar setups)

3. Standalone bassinet for living room (ours is a moses basket)

4. Various carriers of different function

   1. Ergobaby Embrace (mine is mesh — this is my personal favorite carrier)

   2. Solly Wrap

5. Zipper and velcro swaddles

6. Wipeable diaper changing pad (ours is three babies deep now — I like to put a cloth diaper on top for softness for baby’s head)

7. Bedside caddy for baby-night-care supplies (felt like a silly thing for baby two but actually felt nice to have a place for all the things)

8. Copious cloth diapers for burp cloths

9. Pacifiers

10. Sound machine / night light

11. Portable sound machine for carseat

12. Nursing pillows (My Brest Friend is my favorite, I have multiple and keep one in bed and one in the living room)

13. Light muslin blankets

14. Breastfeeding accessories

    1. Silverettes (I do not remember these being as expensive as they are now)

    2. Little in-bra milk collectors

    3. Washable nursing pads

15. Postpartum Peri-care

    1. Adult diapers for the first few days

    2. Maxi-pads

    3. Witch Hazel

    4. Angled Peri-bottle

16. Baby Bjorn Bouncer (these are so expensive new, and always available secondhand. we got ours on marketplace)

17. Designated floor “baby zones”

    1. Quilts

    2. Play mat

18. Simple video monitor

19. Bottles, etc. ( First two babies were exclusively breastfed, but we’re slightly changing our approach this time. I’m planning to mostly breastfeed but also keep formula consistently in the mix because I hate pumping and I really need this baby to take a bottle and not depend on my body 100% for all nutrition. Ideally, it would be like an 80/20 or even 90/10 split (because I do want to have a good breastmilk supply), but we’ll see how it works out irl. I’m really looking forward to combo-feeding! Lmk if you have any real-life tips!)

New acquisitions for this baby:

1. Evenflo Shyft Infant Carseat — this is my only splurge for this baby. This is the kind of carseat that has a little built-in stroller, and a friend of a friend offered to sell hers to me below normal resale value so I said heck yes. I will not lie, I am anxious about the logistics of getting three kids in and out of the car, and I have a feeling this kind of carseat will make it that tiny bit easier that I need, so I am going for it. And the friend said she really liked it for her third! So we’ll see if I actually like it or not! We always have our old infant carseat that’s gotten us through two kids (a nuna pipa, works great!) to fall back on if it isn’t great for us.

2. Select cute baby clothes for the oxytocin factor

3. New heirloom quilt I am making

4. I think we are literally completely out of baby socks (like they all disappeared) so I need to buy some.

5. Surely some other things will need to be replaced or replenished — we’ll see what the situation is when I finally unearth all the boxes from the basement

Things I want but, let’s be real, won’t buy unless I find secondhand for cheap:

1. Pretty new carrier. (It’s gingham!)

2. Babybay Maxi sidecar bassinet (could replace the mini crib on the other side of the bed because Ben might end up sleeping in the big sidecar crib — but we will figure out all the sleeping arrangements when we get there.)

Non-baby specific stuff that is essential to my own health and wellbeing during this time:

1. Reality television

2. AIRPODS

3. Special new heirloom clothing item (each prior baby I’ve bought a secondhand babaa sweater, my favorite clothes I own)

4. Undergarments that fit and function properly

5. New pants as needed (everyone deserves pants that fit)

6. Slightly fancier groceries and snacks than I would usually buy

7. Special activities and treats for big brothers during early postpartum

I’ve written about the way stuff interacts with the experience of parenting a few times over the years:

This essay is about sleeping in a family bed with a sidecar crib.

I wrote this about cloth diapering our firstborn (which I loved then but won’t be doing this time around)

Objects: an Inventory is a zine I wrote about the materiality of motherhood

This essay is about postpartum personal style

I’m feeling pretty well physically, and my anxiety seems to be letting up a little bit (it was truly terrible for a big chunk of the second trimester). I want to reflect more on my internal landscape as I shift into the third trimester, but I’m not qutie there yet. It felt nice to think about stuff instead. Hopefully I’ll have more thoughts gathered soon! So many things I want to do and think through and settle in myself before this baby comes, and time is getting shorter and shorter. We will see what’s actually possible.

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xoxo, more soon