Write Big: Stop Begging to Be Chosen Part 2

Jennie Nash introduces an upcoming series of Write Big episodes that share her vulnerable, behind-the-scenes process of turning Write Big concepts into a Write Big book, thanking listeners and inviting paid subscriptions. In this episode, she revisits her “don’t wait to be picked” stance while confronting her own feelings as her book submission process stretches seven or eight months with rejections.

She examines the discomfort beneath wanting to be chosen—entitlement and exceptionalism, loneliness and the desire for an ally, embarrassment about ambition, doubts tied to leadership and authority, and the burden of carrying the project alone if she isn’t picked. Jennie argues that whether writers are picked or not, the creative road is still hard and what matters is one’s response, which she frames as the core of writing big.

Write Big: Stop Begging to Be Chosen

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May 22

Jennie Nash shares a #amwriting “Write Big” session on letting go of “pick me” energy in publishing. On the day her new agent submits her new nonfiction proposal, Nash—author of 13 books with both Big Five and self-publishing experience—describes feeling calm because she’s also “picking” her agent and potential publishers, clear on the value she brings …

[00:00:00] Hey everyone, it’s Jennie, and I’m here to introduce a series of episodes that I’m going to be doing. But before I do that, I just want to thank you for being a listener. I inherited this podcast from KJ, Jess, and Serena back in December and didn’t really know how it was going to work with just me at the helm or what I was going to do to make it valuable to writers.

And I’ve been finding my way, and I’ve just been so grateful that you’re continuing to listen. I appreciate it so much. I have a lot of really cool things planned coming up, so I hope you’ll keep listening, and I also hope that if you’re getting something from it, that you consider becoming a paid subscriber.

That helps support me and the producer and assistants who help me put this together, and we would appreciate your support so much. Okay. So the reason that I wanted to introduce this upcoming series is that it’s a series of Write Big episodes that are about me and the project that I’m working on, and it feels a little vulnerable to be sharing in this way.

I’ve had some mentors and advisors [00:01:00] suggest that maybe I shouldn’t do this, because I’m here on the #amwriting podcast as an authority. I’m the book coach who coaches the book coaches and who has coached a lot of writers, and I come at you from that place of expertise. But in these next episodes, I’m coming at you as a writer my own self, and I’m coming with some pretty raw material.

I debated whether or not I should share it at all, but I decided to go ahead. I think it’s the honest way to show that I’m here working on the Write Big issues right alongside you because every writer is. These are not just theoretical ideas. They’re ideas that we all have to wrestle with. It doesn’t matter that I’ve published 12 books or that I’ve coached hundreds of writers and thousands of book coaches.

What matters is that I want the book I’m writing to be great, and I want it to make an impact, and I want it to be authentically me. And that’s what writing big is all about. So the [00:02:00] project that you’re going to hear me talk about is trying to turn the Write Big concepts into a Write Big book. And this episode that you’re gonna hear first is a pretty tough one.

I want you to know that it all turns out just fine. I’m fine, and I’ll be sharing the journey of my bringing the Write Big book into the world with all of you as we go with some special opportunities to be inside the process with me and to help me make the book as good as it could be. This will all just be a small part of what I have planned for the #amwriting podcast, but I wanted to give you this context before you listen today, just so you know what this episode is all about and the next few ones that follow.

Okay, now let’s get to it.

Hi, I’m Jennie Nash, and you’re listening to the #amwriting podcast, the place where we help writers of all kinds play big in your writing life, love the process, and stick with [00:03:00] it long enough to finish what matters most. This is a Write Big episode where I bring you short conversations about the mindset shifts that shape the work.

Today, I’m talking again about this concept of waiting to be picked. A couple months ago, I did a Write Big episode called Stop Begging to Be Chosen and Pick Yourself Instead. I’ll link to it in the show notes so you can be sure to listen to that. It captures an opinion that I hold really strongly about writing, which is that we have to take responsibility for our own work.

We can’t pretend that this is a game that’s all about somebody else picking us or somebody else telling us that we’re okay or we’re good enough or we’re allowed to do this thing. I just see that attitude, that pick me attitude ruin so many writers’ careers and really get under their skin and change the way that they write and change the way they think about themselves as creators, and it’s something that [00:04:00] just really bothers me a lot.

And the reason that I’m returning to that topic today is because it’s something that I needed to sit with my own self. A few weeks ago, I shared that I have a book out on submission, and I shared the attitude that I had around it, which felt so great, this idea of being in charge of my own fate and destiny and not feeling like I was at the whims of being chosen by big publishing conglomerates or editors or publishers or any of it.

It’s what I wanted. It’s what I was after. It’s the actions that I was taking toward a goal that I wanted. But I felt like I had risen above it somehow, like I had made this mindset shift and I was approaching the process in this whole different space, and I was so fired up about it. And even after I got the first few rejections in the submission process, I was still fired up about it But from where I’m recording today, [00:05:00] I’m not so fired up about it anymore, and I’ve been through a big dip and a big sort of sense of despair around this because as things have gone on in that submission process, I keep not being picked.

I keep not getting the thing that I want. And I wanted to today try to stop and examine what it is that I’ve been feeling and try to share it with you so that I can get back to that place of what I actually do believe is that this sense of wanting to be picked is dangerous and damaging. But I wanna just be really honest that I am experiencing it as well, and I know what it feels like, and I know how hard it is to get out of it, and that’s really what I am trying to talk about today.

So when I say I wanna examine what it feels like- There’s a sense of entitlement, I think is the best [00:06:00] word. This expectation that I had going into the process that I was gonna be different from everybody else, that I was gonna be better. This exceptionalism, like I’m an exception to the rule. I know that submission is hard.

I know that getting this thing that I wanted out in the world, this kind of a book deal that I’m after, is hard, and yet part of me, a big part of me, believed that the rules don’t apply to me. I think that’s what is underneath this pick me attitude, this idea that I don’t have to play that game. I don’t have to follow the rules that everybody else has to follow.

They’re not gonna apply to me because I’m gonna be the one that gets picked. Like, I can rise above all of it and tell everybody that, “Oh, this is the best attitude to have going into this process,” because I’m not gonna actually have [00:07:00] to experience what it’s like to not get picked. And so what I’m confronting is this, all of these things, this entitlement, exceptionalism, um, this...

Really what’s underneath it all is this desire to escape the discomfort. Because the discomfort of not getting picked is a discomfort about, well, first of all, being so alone. You feel so alone, and what you’re wanting in the process of getting an agent and getting an editor and getting a publisher and all the things is to not be so alone.

That’s one thing. And as an aside, it’s a reason why I think having a book coach can be so valuable because you have someone who’s in it with you, who can reflect back to you what you’re thinking and feeling and how that work is playing out. And I have not been using a book coach in this part of the process.

I used a book coach earlier in the [00:08:00] process, but not in this part. And so that sense of, “Oh, I’m so alone in this, and I wanted an ally. I wanted someone to walk alongside me. I wanted somebody to care as much as I care,” that’s a huge part of what’s underneath this. So that discomfort of just still being in it by myself and being alone, that’s thing one.

There’s also the discomfort of desire, of wanting this thing, and this ambition that I have, and wanting a big win in this particular way. And that desire is uncomfortable because a lot of people don’t have it, regular people in the world. I don’t think of writers or listeners to this podcast or book coaches as regular people.

I think we exist in our own special realm, but regular people, by which I mean my husband, my children, my friends, my neighbors, the people I play pickleball with and go to yoga [00:09:00] with, they don’t understand this desire. And it’s kind of embarrassing in a way to have this desire. And if you’re not picked, your desire is sort of just sitting out there kind of exposed and raw.

Whereas if you’re picked, it’s, it’s like, “Oh, see, I’m not crazy for wanting this thing. Other people want this thing for me, too.” And so that what you’re left with when you’re not picked is that discomfort of feeling like, “Ah, I, I want this thing and I have to own it now so hard if I somehow don’t get it.

It’s somehow worse than if I do get it.” The, the discomfort of possible success and the discomfort of give it-- of getting the thing you want is a whole different thing. But where I’m sitting right now, it’s that, it’s that discomfort of the thing that I want. And then for me, there’s also a [00:10:00] discomfort about being a leader in this space, and a thought leader in this space, and wanting to go first and go proudly and do the thing that I teach other people to do and that I help other people to do, and to walk that path in a way that somehow shows that I’m...

know what I’m doing, or that I, my authority is warranted. And so not getting picked makes me feel somehow- Uh, it’s not quite imposter syndrome. Um, it’s not quite like I feel as if I’m a fraud. It’s not quite that. It’s more like, “Oh, shouldn’t you have this more dialed in if you’re out here teaching people how to do it?

Shouldn’t, shouldn’t you be the exception?” I guess that’s it. Shouldn’t you somehow have a way through that’s better than all the rest of us do, or that’s more predictable than the [00:11:00] rest of us are able to experience? Shouldn’t you somehow have that dialed in, and why don’t you? It’s more that, which is not quite imposter syndrome.

I- I’m having a hard time pinning down exactly what it is, but I, I can feel the feeling. It’s that it’s not quite shame, because I haven’t done anything that I’m ashamed about. Um, so it’s, it’s something else. I might have to go to my Brené Brown Atlas of the Heart book and look at all the emotions to try to find the word that this describes, or maybe one of the Emotion Thesaurus, uh, books by Angela Ackerman and friends, um, to, to pin down what this feeling is.

But it, but is this sense of I’m, I’m supposed to be, um, leading in this way, and if I haven’t pulled off this thing that I wanted, does that mean I’m not a good leader? I’m not worthy of this platform that I [00:12:00] have? So those are all the things I’m feeling, and also the garden variety squirminess of, I told a bunch of people that I want this and that I am going for this, and I put that out there, and what happens if it doesn’t work?

What does that mean? Um, so there’s some of that, and then there’s also a piece of the emotion that’s like, “Oh, crap. If I don’t get picked, it means I have to really shoulder the responsibility for this project all on my own.” And that’s different from the loneliness I was talking before. It’s different from the desire thing I was talking about before because I believe in this project wholeheartedly.

I love this project. I can’t wait [00:13:00] for this project to be out in the world. I know that it’s great. And so there’s this sense of a burden almost like, well, if, if I don’t get picked, it means I have to carry the whole thing myself, and I know I can, I know I will, I know I’ll do a good job at it because I already actually have.

I have an amazing track record at bringing books out my own self. So why should I be afraid of, of hard work? So it’s not, it’s not exactly that. It’s more, “Oh, crap,” like, it’s not just the hard work. It’s like- Maybe it does go back to the loneliness again, that, that feeling of, um, oh gosh, I guess I just gotta pick up the shovel and keep digging the ditches.

And, and when you get picked, you at least have a moment of, um, maybe euphoria or a [00:14:00] moment when you can pretend that somebody else is gonna do, uh, some of the work and walk alongside with you. It’s not always actually true. I know a lot of writers who are let down in the publishing process and, and are bitter about what they didn’t get.

So it’s, it’s not always true, but there is a feeling from where I’m sitting right now that, gosh, that sure would be nice to have that, um, moment of celebration and affirmation and, um, collegiality that would go with being picked. So I know I’m rambling a little bit through all these feelings that I’m having of discomfort, and it’s not quite totally over yet, the submission journey that I’m on.

But it’s been going on for quite some time. Um, when I’m recording here, let me do the math, um, it’s been seven or eight months, so it’s been a big chunk of time. And sure, [00:15:00] sometimes things take a long time to unfold. Sometimes surprises happen at the end of the process. You know, there’s, it’s not over till it’s over, all the things.

But I’m beginning to feel a sense of it not happening and my wanting to move forward in a different way, which is to say then letting go of this particular dream for this particular project. So I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but I, I wanted to jump in in this unformed way to talk about it because I only think it’s fair when I am all up on my soapbox about, don’t go into the process giving away your power to somebody else.

Don’t wait to be picked. Don’t think that somebody else is gonna make this happen for you. I believe that so strongly, and since I’m [00:16:00] living now in the reality of that, I’m just wanting to share how, how hard it is to confront these difficult feelings around it and to turn the ship around, if you will. And, and by ship, I mean the ship of my mind, of, of what I wanted and why I thought it mattered and the story that I was telling myself about, um, again, my own entitlement, my own exceptionalism, my own leadership.

So now I’m, I’m left with, uh, the reality of having to own this part of the situation and wrap my mind around this moment and make some decisions about how I’m going to move on. So I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but I did wanna record this in a moment when I was feeling some sense of despair because, uh, that’s what I wanted [00:17:00] to, to capture, and not, not record something after it was all over and it was all okay and it all turned out great because I think that is coming somehow, some way, I think that’s coming.

So I wanted to capture it right now when it was sort of in that bleh place because I know for sure there is no writer I’ve ever worked with that doesn’t experience that place at some point in the process, no matter how they’re picked. And I keep thinking here about, uh-

And I keep thinking here about the novelist Virginia Evans, whose debut, The Correspondent, had such a splashy launch and hit all the bestseller lists and sold to the movies for some massive amount of money and got all the glowing [00:18:00] reviews. And, you know- I don’t know Virginia Evans. I’ve, I’ve tried to get her to be on this podcast, and at one point she had agreed, but that was before some of the big brouhaha about her book happened.

So I don’t know if that will come to pass. I hope so, because I would love to ask her some questions about her write big moments in that, in that process. But this is all to say, I don’t know her. I’m just imagining what it would be like to be her. And from the outside, we all look at that, and we think, “Well, that’s what I want.

That’s being picked. That’s, you know, the fairy godmother waving the wand over you and making all the magic happen.” And I have to believe that there are parts of that journey and that process and that situation that are full of as much despair and trouble and mindset difficulties as the moment that I’m sitting in here, and that so many writers sit in where we’re [00:19:00] not getting picked.

I think that whether you’re picked or not picked, the road is the same. The, the road of being a creator, of having to believe in yourself, of having to move through these waves of, um, good things happen, bad things happen, good writing happens, bad writing happens. You know how we are in the world as creators.

The, the things that happen to us along the way don’t make us or break us. It’s our own response to it that does. And that is the very root of what it means to write big. So where I’m sitting as I talk to you today about all these things, I feel that I am still writing big because I’m thinking about it.

I’m confronting it. I’m moving through it. I’m owning what I feel. I’m owning what I want. I’m thinking about my options going forward. I’m leaving some doors open right [00:20:00] now for whatever might happen because, like I said, it’s not totally over yet. But whatever happens, it’s, it’s not gonna be, “Oh, and now all of a sudden everything’s fine and okay.”

Um, that’s why I bring up Virginia Evans because I seriously doubt that that’s what she feels. Like, I seriously doubt it’s a feeling of like, “Well, now I’ve totally made it, and I don’t have to worry about anything ever again.” Just not true. It’s just not true. Things come... I’ve coached so many writers through so many moments and processes over so many years, and it’s all hard.

It’s all work. Um, and we, we choose it. We choose to be in it. We choose to be the creator. We choose to put ourselves out there in that way. So I shall end this rambling podcast of, of sharing with you about my- wanting to be picked and how easy it is to talk about [00:21:00] not doing that and how hard it is to actually walk that path.

And hopefully this is serving as some inspiration to you no matter where you are on your path. Thanks for listening. Now let’s get back to work

The hashtag amwriting podcast is produced by Andrew Perilla. Our intro music, aptly titled Unemployed Monday, was written and played by Max Cohen. Andrew and Max were paid for their time and their creative output because everyone deserves to be paid for their [00:22:00] work